Facing a tough decision, feeling unsafe, fight and flight in overdrive

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I was not sure which category to post this. I think my question is that I am currently facing a tough decision, and feeling familiar general overall anxiety about it, as though I have no good option and all I want to do is flee and get out. My physical safety is fine. This is sort of like a job switch requiring me to move to a different location and learn everything from scratch. Perhaps this a great opportunity, or perhaps I am leaving behind everything I have cultivated here and quite like. I think there is no "good" or "bad" answer, just whatever I feel I want.
   
I am frozen in fear. In general I feel unsafe. I want to hide until this goes away, or someone rescinds the offer then I do not have to make that choice. I feel like moving will expose me, harm me, or what if I just lose everything I have?  My spouse was excited, then I started voicing my fears and now he is second guessing. I feel like I off-loaded my emotional baggage to him unfairly.   
     
I do not know where my anxiety is coming from. There is no clear threat. I guess I wanted to ask if those who have been scapegoated for a lifetime by their FOO have this feeling more often than those who never experienced these dynamics? 

I feel like I just want to escape. Instead, I wish I could bravely just decide and assuredly move forward with confidence. Might this be part of residuals to work through?
   
Thank you for your insights.

[Hattie]

Hmm,I sometimes get like this if I'm approached by a recruiter. They might be offering me quite a cool job, but I feel like they are trying to mess up my safety and stability in my current job and life... I can definitely feel a bit persecuted in this sort of situation. Properly a hangover from the narcissistic upbringing.

Maybe your fear is trying to tell you something though?

[DaisyGirl77]

Pancakes, I've been there & done the same thing.  For me, I was reacting out of the unknown.  Here is safer.  Here, I know everything I need to know.  I can predict that if I do X then Y will happen, & it'll always be the same thing.  I have my routines.  I know where to go if I want a specific thing.  There?  It's very scary.  I don't know anything.  I don't know where my new home will be, or what the roads are like, or how the drivers drive or how my neighbors neighbor.  I don't know if There will be friendly or offer familiar offerings Here has.  That's the danger.  Because you know nothing of There, the sirens & alarms are going off & it is now Dangerous.

I've mitigated my lizard brain by googling things specific to my needs in the new place & using Google Maps' street view & satellite images to see what There is like.  I've joined a couple There-specific message boards to ask questions only the locals know, like which areas are best to establish roots while keeping things within my budget; where to avoid at rush hour, what places have the best offerings, & what their favorite restaurant is or favorite local pizza place (for the move, cuz you have to feed yourselves & your helpers ).  What their favorite place to go to find the best views or the best quiet beach or <insert your flavor of zen here> is also asked.  If it's possible, I take a few sightseeing trips to There just to get a feel for the place.  If it's not feasible, then I close my eyes, cross my fingers, & hope for the best.

Is it possible for you to just rent for a year & keep the home you have currently?  Maybe that'll help mitigate some of your Danger feelings, knowing you have a home to return to should There turn out to be _fill in the blank_.  Also, There just might be what you need to grow & progress on your life's journey.  Keep that in mind.

HTH.

[Cat of the Canals]

Pancakes, I've been there & done the same thing.  For me, I was reacting out of the unknown.  Here is safer.  Here, I know everything I need to know.  I can predict that if I do X then Y will happen, & it'll always be the same thing.  I have my routines.  I know where to go if I want a specific thing.  There?  It's very scary.  I don't know anything. 

I'm the same way.

I do think it's probably a CPTSD response - our fight/flight response being on a hair trigger and all. I just watched a video about converting fear into excitement, where the woman talked about how the feeling of being scared vs. being excited is physically the same - it's the thoughts surrounding the two emotions that are different. So I wonder if sometimes our excitement BECOMES fear once our nervous system gets engaged.

I don't know how long you have to think on the decision but give yourself some time to digest it all. Think about what you want and how this move might impact that. If you look ahead, say five years, what would things look like if you were to stay put or go?

Also, can you go back to the initial thoughts/feeling when this opportunity arose? Was there excitement there? If so, try harnessing those thoughts again: This is something I've always wanted to do. This will be an adventure for the whole family. It's going to be so fun to make a new place home.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you everyone.

When I thought about it as a concept, it felt good. I worked toward having this opportunity, but never believed it would be a reality and it has been a very long time coming and I sort of gave up on it. There seems to be aspects of feeling like a fraud, it is too late in my career to do this, I have increased exposure and more risk for judgement, and I am scared I will take my family down with me in flames.

My nervous system has been on overdrive for several days. I do not want to run in fear, but I just do not want to impact others. Then sometimes I think I should not have ever had a family at all so I would not have to destroy their life. What was I thinking? Why should my catastrophe of a life hurt others? Ugh. Anyway, these are my ruminations to resolve. Thank you for listening.
   

[moglow]

Blueberry Pancakes, this actually makes sense to me. For most of my life I've had an inordinate fear of change, even good and necessary changes. I know that likely came from the hypercritical opinions of mommie dearest, where I was doomed to failure no matter what I did. The whole "doomed if you do/doomed if you don't" mentality really whipped me. Part of that developed into a deep sense of mistrust and the feeling that I had to do it all myself - reaching out for help or even input is a learning process even now.

Best I can offer is that you write out a very real pro and con list - what happens if you go for it, what if you don't. What are the benefits to you/your family either way? Remember - change is not always a bad thing!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

The whole "doomed if you do/doomed if you don't" mentality really whipped me. Part of that developed into a deep sense of mistrust and the feeling that I had to do it all myself - reaching out for help or even input is a learning process even now.

Best I can offer is that you write out a very real pro and con list - what happens if you go for it, what if you don't. What are the benefits to you/your family either way? Remember - change is not always a bad thing!

Thank you, Moglow. My mother said the same phrase to me "doomed if you do/doomed if you don't." It makes me feel stuck like there is no possibility for anything good - just the lesser of two evils. That is a hard way in my mind to feel like I am thriving. If I do not do this, then I sort of feel like I am hiding in the corner. I have felt in the past I avoided things out of fear and think it limited some of the things I may have accomplished earlier in my life. Now I feel like I am playing catch up and so many good things have unfolded for me, but I never saw this current option ever being a choice. The action of making the pro/con list is a good one - thank you.

[Leonor]

Hello Blueberry,

Ok, here's me 2 cents.

Go.

Just go.

It will be fine.

I know it's scary.

I know it's a risk.

I know it's a big ask for your loved ones

Do it anyway.

What's holding you back isn't logistics or lack of resources or support or any present, practical thing.

It's trauma.

Ms. Trauma, bless her heart, is running this show.

Rumination and circular thoughts are not reality. They're not even thoughts. They're just grooves in an old broken record that repeat one untrue horrible thing: "you are unlovable."

Oh the words may be different. "You are unprepared / unrealistic / unsure / unconcerned blah blah blah." You can hear it in different voices: that's me, that's mom, that's my old boss, that'sy sixth-grade best friend ...

Ms. Trauma is quite the ventriloquist!

Now, I just convinced dh to sell our house, quit my job, yanked three kids out of the only place and schools and house they've ever known, and moved all five of us into a tiny three bedroom apartment in a different country.

It has been a roller coaster. I've had anxiety attacks: "omg what did I get us into?", fights with my h, and culture shock that comes in waves. And at not one point for a single second did I wish I never had done this.

Why in the world did I do this? Because dh and I always wanted to do this. The pandemic hit and we thought, okay, what are we waiting for again? Tomorrow is promised to nobody. As the kids say, YOLO!

And about the kids, I thought, what will I teach them if we stay nice and comfy and stable and employed even as we dream, "oh one day ..."?

I'd be teaching them that it's better to be safe than to be happy. That fear is bigger than their dreams.

And what if it doesn't work and we have to go back? Well, then the lesson is, "It's ok for things to not work out. To change your mind. To do it different."

My favorite book in the world is The Once and Future King by TH White. And Lancelot goes on the Grail quest and goes through all these trials and tribulations and does everything just right, but is still barred from seeing the Grail, he comes back to tell his story to Arthur and Guenever. And Arthur and Guenever think this is just so unfair and get upset and Guenever says, So you're standing outside the chapel this whole time and what did you do?

And Lancelot says, "I got down on my knees, Jenny, and I thanked God for the adventure."

My other motto is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

It's not just about overcoming your fears, the "Just do it" thing.

It means that the one thing you fear most, that you believe you're totally unable to do, is exactly what you must do. It's what you're destined to do. Only you can do this thing.

So do it.

Do what the universe is calling you to do.

And if it doesn't work out, you can always kneel down and give thanks for the adventure!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Leonore - Wow! I read your reply through tears in my eyes and had to re-read it a few times to make sure I saw all of it.
 
All that you said hits home to me. The rumination, the trauma with many voices (mom, dad, teachers, friends, bosses, my own) telling me I am not enough and I stay frozen. Eventually opportunities pass, everyone moves on and in my mind I am still in that place sometimes carrying shame or berating myself for not have taken any action. I see the pattern in my life. These are difficult things to carry and difficult to turn down that road less travelled/less familiar.     
     
You make a good point about what you are teaching the kids, and about fear being bigger than our dreams. I have also seen that quote of Eleanor Roosevelt. I do not know the book you reference, but I think I understand. There is something about what we gain in the journey and from treading that path. I believe we can make all kinds of plans toward a desired end goal, but will never know the unanticipated aspects we may gain and then our original goal somehow was not even the biggest gain in the end. 

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems like quite an amazing one.