It finally happened - she died

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, 

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you lost your mother, but glad to read she left peacefully. 

I hope you process your grief in a way that brings you strength and healing.  I can relate to the fact some people feel little at the actual time of loss.  I think in many such cases the caretakers or children of pds have had the experience of grieving them little by little over time. 

You asked about the possibility of a wall of grief, while that is possible, it's certainly not required or expected. 

I have had some complex grief and losses this past year. They were if the Pre death grieving type.  After the deaths, I found my self processing small clusters of emotion at a remembrance or encounter with something related to them, a place, food, song etc. 

I hope that regardless of what form your grief and feelings take that you find peace on the other side of processing them. 

[SunnyMeadow]

My stepdad died a few days ago. He died 3½ weeks after my mother did. Poor old guy suffered (I think) at the end. He was in a coma-like state so maybe he didn't suffer. He was given morphine and anti-anxiety liquid by hospice so that helped him. My husband and I were glad to have him with us. Well, I should say I was scared at first. I didn't want to watch him die. But I think it was the right thing considering the circumstances. We made him as comfortable as could be and watched his favorite movies and tv shows with him.

I can't believe the whole thing is over. I thought I'd have another decade of dealing with a narcissistic mother and her enabling husband.

The relief is incredible. I don't have the stress of dealing with my mother or stepdad anymore. No more anxiety when getting a phone call, text or seeing her email address. No more holiday stress, it's just over.

[SonofThunder]

My stepdad died a few days ago. He died 3½ weeks after my mother did. Poor old guy suffered (I think) at the end. He was in a coma-like state so maybe he didn't suffer. He was given morphine and anti-anxiety liquid by hospice so that helped him. My husband and I were glad to have him with us. Well, I should say I was scared at first. I didn't want to watch him die. But I think it was the right thing considering the circumstances. We made him as comfortable as could be and watched his favorite movies and tv shows with him.

I can't believe the whole thing is over. I thought I'd have another decade of dealing with a narcissistic mother and her enabling husband.

The relief is incredible. I don't have the stress of dealing with my mother or stepdad anymore. No more anxiety when getting a phone call, text or seeing her email address. No more holiday stress, it's just over.

Oh Sunny, im so glad he is now free from that pain and that you are experiencing relief!!  "Its just over"....  What an incredible statement.  Cheers to you Sunny.

SoT

[Amadahy]

What a whirlwind, Sunny!  Peace and joy to you.  I'm happy for your relief! 

[practical]

SunnyMeadow, I'm sorry about your losses. Take care of yourself.

The relief is wonderful, enjoy your life, you had to wait for it for a long time.

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, You did a wonderful thing helping your stepdad  I'm happy things can be peaceful for you now.  You surely deserve it!   

[ambivalent1]

My father was a bitter, angry man my whole life.  The essence of walking on eggshells.  He developed cancer which progressed rapidly without him or anyone else knowing until it was too late.
The last time I saw him in the hospital he was brain dead and on a respirator. He looked almost peaceful.  Certainly it was the first time in my life I saw him without anger and pain on his face.  It was a strange feeling.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

When I'd read posts by people here about their NPD parent's death, I'd feel jealous and envious. I would think "why can't that be me"? And many times I'd feel comfort from re-reading these stories and believing that it has to happen with me too.

I remember thinking that only death would make me feel free of her. Even going no contact, there was the threat of her reaching out with calls, emails, texts and US mail and she did reach out, in extreme anger.

Thank you for posting these thoughts. I am one of those people today as you mention who reads posts by other people and thinks why can't that be me. After a rather hurtful interaction with my 85 year old parents yesterday, I am feeling that only death will end this and I am unsure who's will come first. Parents have various health issues, numerous hospital stays, but they just ... keep ... trucking ... along seemingly bulletproof.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for posting these thoughts. I am one of those people today as you mention who reads posts by other people and thinks why can't that be me. After a rather hurtful interaction with my 85 year old parents yesterday, I am feeling that only death will end this and I am unsure who's will come first. Parents have various health issues, numerous hospital stays, but they just ... keep ... trucking ... along seemingly bulletproof.

You're welcome. It felt a little odd to write it, especially about being jealous and envious that someone's parents passed. I mean, that's not what people normally say but we all have very difficult parents. That was as real and honest as I could be.

My mother was 87 and step-dad was almost 90 when they died. They both kept on trucking along too even with various health issues. I couldn't believe it either and would think to myself "how are they still going along?". I thought I'd die first and wouldn't get the chance to feel fully free. I'm so happy that didn't happen. Now three months after my mother died, I don't feel guilty about feeling any of those things. I thought it would come back to haunt me but it hasn't yet.

Another member here Pseudonym wrote: "I also was convinced that Negatron would outlive me... but she didn't. You will outlive yours as well." I always kept this in mind when I was feeling down. Maybe her words will be helpful for you too.

I understand Blueberry Pancakes.   

[Psuedonym]

SUNNY!!! Hi SunnyMeadow! I'm sorry its taken me so long to respond...I haven't been on the site in a long time and today I thought I would check in and there was your post. I'm so, so happy that you are feeling at peace and not feeling at all guilty (as you never should) after your mother and step-father's passing. You deserve all the peace in the world. Quite a while ago I read  this article and it has always stayed with me because it's so true and concise and I hope it helps somebody else. Here's the short version:

"I wish my mother was dead...is that a terrible thing to say... am I a horrible person?"

Tortured individuals who are trapped in a form of emotional abuse have made this statement many times in my office. They are made to feel guilty for reacting to the abuse. Feelings of loathing are inspired by years of emotional abuse while the mother accuses the child of ingratitude or disloyalty for feeling this way...This person may be the child of a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is almost unique to the child of a Borderline to feel a lack of attachment and lack of love for the parent while at the same time blaming themselves for feeling this way.

Here's the long version if anybody wants to read it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother#:~:text=The%20borderline%20parent%20compels%20the,I%20don't%20feel%20well.

And to others on this board, Sunny and I are proof that even though you may feel like your disordered elderly family members are immortal and will live forever just to torture you....they won't. Eventually you will be free and find your peace.

Big  to you, SunnyMeadow and to everybody else on this forum.

[SunnyMeadow]

And to others on this board, Sunny and I are proof that even though you may feel like your disordered elderly family members are immortal and will live forever just to torture you....they won't. Eventually you will be free and find your peace.

Big  to you, SunnyMeadow and to everybody else on this forum.

Hi Psuedonym!!  I'm so relieved to be in this place with you. We did it! I honestly and truly clung to your wise words and repeat them often. 

This forum was and still is a sanity saver for me. I couldn't have stayed strong without the wise advice from everyone. When the shit hit the fan with my folks coming to the end of their lives, I was here reading and absorbing to get me through.

I appreciate you and everyone else here.

[Psuedonym]

Everything you just said, SunnyMeadow!!! I have so appreciated your support and thoughtful comments over the years and I'm so, so happy to hear you're doing well!!