It finally happened - she died

[SunnyMeadow]

My long suffering, overly dramatic uNPD mother died yesterday, she was 87. It was apparently a very non-dramatic death, rather peaceful which I'm glad for. I got the call from a caregiver at her assisted living facility. The poor woman was stumbling over her words and my shock at the news made it a rather awkward phone call. I seriously got to a point in my life where I figured I would die before her. That's why I was shocked to get the call.

Pseudonym has posted wise words about this very thing and that they won't outlive us! Then we will finally feel free and I do feel free! I only had tears when I went to be with my step-dad. Poor guy was so broken up and sad, I felt bad for him. He's been with her a long time and with her when she died so it's weighing heavy on him. I'm glad I had some emotion and tears in front of him because I would have felt like an unfeeling, uncaring person...at least for his sake, if I hadn't.  He was really concerned that my husband "take care of me" which is sweet. Little does he know that I'm ok, fine even. I don't know if a wall of grief is going to hit me at some point but as of right now, nothing. Decades ago when we were fully enmeshed her death would have broken me. Too many bad times with her soured any deep feeling I used to have. Now, it's sweet relief that I will never have to worry about her calling or complaining or gossiping.

The last two months after my mother had a stroke and extreme brain fog from a mild case of covid, she was a different woman. A woman I could pretty easily deal with. She had no long term or even short term memory. Forgot all her anger and arguments with people, even my husband and children. She forgot what she had for lunch that same day and was overall pretty pleasant. I'm glad I had the last few months of her finally turning into a "sweet old lady", just like I always hoped she would be.

When I'd read posts by people here about their NPD parent's death, I'd feel jealous and envious. I would think "why can't that be me"? And many times I'd feel comfort from re-reading these stories and believing that it has to happen with me too. Surely she will go and I will have peace, right??! There would be conflicting emotions inside of me where I'd bitterly think with my luck she'll be around forever, to "she can't live forever". I'm 56 and can begin living the life I want without worrying about pleasing or offending my mother in some way.

I remember thinking that only death would make me feel free of her. Even going no contact, there was the threat of her reaching out with calls, emails, texts and US mail and she did reach out, in extreme anger.

Now she can't ....

[SonofThunder]

SunnyMeadow,

Im happy to read that your last couple months with her were more peaceful, as you had always hoped and I send you thoughts of peace and prayers for growing comfort as your mind and body continues to relax into this reality. 

I will be writing similar things when my uNPDf passes and will be in good company here on Out of the FOG.  Ive always thought his future death would be a real emotional push-pull.  I believe as a human being there will be that emotional biological connection to him at his death but at the same time, his emotional PD boat, tied to my dock, will then float downstream and I will steadily welcome the newfound emotional freedom. 

Im sorry you have had decades of PD abuse, but happy for you in the newness ahead.

SoT

[bloomie]

SunnyMeadow - your mother lived a long life and I am thankful for you and your family that her passing was peaceful. Something we want for our parents. I have heard it said that at every death there are the grieved and the relieved. What I found to be closer to true for me at the deaths of my own disordered parents who died very close together is that, in time, I felt both.

Like you, due to significant health issues my mother was sweet the last couple years of her life. And she could NEVER have been described as sweet. I am grateful for the glimpse of who she could've been and the time I had with her in those months. I trust the journey forward without your mom will be one of healing for you. Thank you for sharing this sentinel event in your life with us.

Strength and comfort to you!

[Sneezy]

SunnyMeadow - I'm happy for you that you saw some sweeter moments of your mom at the end, and also happy that her death was peaceful.  Sending hugs and love to you at this time of transition.  It was a tough road for you.  Take care of yourself and move forward in happiness!  P.S. 56 is young - enjoy!

[Amadahy]

Sending warm hugs, SunnyMeadow. I'm glad you feel peace and that you got to see a non-threatening, sweet version of your mom.  Mine is much the same, now, with dementia. No more digs, gossip, veiled or outright insults, just placidly floating along, not remembering sh*t.  Who would've thought that could be a blessing?  I'm very thankful for your relief and that your mom's passing was non-dramatic. 

[looloo]

When I'd read posts by people here about their NPD parent's death, I'd feel jealous and envious. I would think "why can't that be me"? And many times I'd feel comfort from re-reading these stories and believing that it has to happen with me too. Surely she will go and I will have peace, right??! There would be conflicting emotions inside of me where I'd bitterly think with my luck she'll be around forever, to "she can't live forever". I'm 56 and can begin living the life I want without worrying about pleasing or offending my mother in some way.

Lol, I'm in this place right now!  My Nmother is 91 1/2.  Yes, I am including the 1/2!  Every holiday since she turned 90 I've been thinking, "Will this be the last Mother's Day/birthday/Thanksgiving?"  Nope, not yet.

I don't post much, but when that moment finally arrives, you can bet I will be here, telling whatever my experience is to those who get it, no matter what it looks like.

[Pepin]

When I'd read posts by people here about their NPD parent's death, I'd feel jealous and envious. I would think "why can't that be me"? And many times I'd feel comfort from re-reading these stories and believing that it has to happen with me too. Surely she will go and I will have peace, right??! There would be conflicting emotions inside of me where I'd bitterly think with my luck she'll be around forever, to "she can't live forever". I'm 56 and can begin living the life I want without worrying about pleasing or offending my mother in some way.

I remember thinking that only death would make me feel free of her. Even going no contact, there was the threat of her reaching out with calls, emails, texts and US mail and she did reach out, in extreme anger.

Now she can't ....

I have been wishing for the same with NF and he is 91.  We have been NC for many years but I still carry fragments of lingering trauma/pain and I am terrified about him showing up at my doorstep.  He hired a PI on occasions in the past to follow me and *admitted it* so I know I am never as safe as I think I should be.  He has also enlisted many flying monkeys over the years to make contact with me on his behalf - his way of fishing for anything he can find out about me.  It hasn't worked.  But, I am so tired of all his stupid shenanigans.  I just want it to be over so I can move on with my life and not think about what next with him.... 

That being said, DPD CN MIL passed away recently and I didn't feel a thing for her.  It was unexpected and I was so done with her and her bad behavior.  The aftermath has been interesting to say the least as DH and I work together to clean up her mess and finalize her estate.  The vitriol that has emerged from other family members has been off the charts - all directed at DH who was DPD CN MIL's #1 and lifelong pawn.  She played him real good and it is going to take some time for him to realize this.  His attackers are going after the wrong person however: it is DPD CN MIL who crafted all of this.  How it is that her truly childish behavior and her damaging intentions are being overlooked by those that attack DH is just outrageous to me.  As a non blood family member, everything that was going on with her over the years was more than obvious to me.  Such a shame to have lost so much of my life having had her in it.  All the times I was depressed, angry and anxious -- so much time lost.  But now, no more of that.  Aside from all of this, there is a resounding peace from not having her around.  Finally.  I needed this so much.   

Death really brings out the truth...  Wishing you all the best going forward with your life on your terms.   

[doglady]

Hey Sunny Meadow,
I'm glad your mother's final months were not too unbearable for you and also relatively peaceful.
I wish for you that your mother's passing  finally sets you free, as you hope. You've waited long enough. Here's to you and your hard-earned liberty.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Condolences on the passing of your mother, Sunny. I am glad her final days were peaceful and happy that you had time to enjoy her without drama. Thank you for sharing your experience, as I am one of those who wonder what the last days will look like "if" my parents ever pass. They are 87 and 84, still plugging along, and I also think there's a chance they will outlive me. Good reminder here that, well, maybe not.

I am glad you are feeling free. Wishing you all the best moving forward with your good life, on your terms, with peace.

[moglow]

I'm glad I had the last few months of her finally turning into a "sweet old lady", just like I always hoped she would be.

My sincere condolences, Sunny. I'm glad you had this too, even if [to me] it came awfully late in the game. I would imagine there's a peace in knowing the anger and resentments were gone and she could finally just Be.

Be gentle with yourself - it's not an easy process and your emotions could be all over the place for a while. Peace, friend.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thanks to all of you. I'm so grateful to have this community where we all understand the complexities of life with NPD. If I posted this on Facebook for instance, can you imagine the replies?   

I feel for all of you who are wondering when you will go through this as well. Oh boy, do I ever understand. Just like I wrote about it ... jealousy and envy hit me every time I'd read a death post.

Thank you for the well-wishes, understanding, condolences, love and hugs! It means so much.

                                 

[Seven]

Internet hugs and external validation...

When MIL died semi-unexpectedly in Nov, I did not shed a tear, nor did DH feel guilty about having been NC for the 6 months prior.  He did cry though

My uNPDm has Lewy Bodies and is bed-ridden.  Sleeps for days.  I have a cousin-in-law that is a hospice administrator and she said if she's sleeping that long it'll be 7-10 days.  But that the clock resets every time she wakes up.  She keeps waking up.   All of the siblings have made their "last hurrah" rounds within the last 2 weeks. When I left her, she was sleeping and wouldn't wake up and stayed that way for days.  Then *poof*! Awake.  Not knowing anyone.  What's bizarre is if she is hallucinating, you can absolutely understand what she's saying.  But if she was "alert" and tried to speak, you couldn't understand a word she was trying to say.

April is actually a bad month for deaths on her side of the family.  Her grandfather, her mother, her aunt, two of her sisters, and other extended family on her side.  Most of them either on April 1, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and some when April 1 fell on Good Friday.  April is just a bad month.  We're all just kind of waiting for it.  Bad thing is, if it doesn't happen in April, we're all going to be on high alert.  Like constant anxiety mode. 

Will I cry?  I said to myself probably not, but it may just happen.  I've no idea. I will say this though...having LBD is not a way I want to be remembered. Weird though, my Aunt (another one of her sisters) will be 95 on the 18th and she has all her wits about her. She just looked freaking great, as I got to see her as well when I was in sunny state. What I will be mad about is if my uNPDm dies on my aunts birthday.  Wouldn't put it past God though at this point.

[Hilltop]

Condolences  Sunny.  I am glad you had a few months of peace and that it was a peaceful passing for your mother.  I hope you enjoy the freedom and peace that will come your way now that she is gone. 

[JenniferSmith]

Condolences, and wishing you peace with whatever feelings you are having now that she has passed.  I think many of us on this forum have grieved our parents long before they actually die.  Once they die, what remains is a version of them that lives on in our minds, and that can be an interesting experience to observe as it unfolds.

[Lilyloo]

Oh Sunny, I am just seeing this.    I am glad you will have some peace now.  I am also glad you had those last months with  some calmer peaceful days and you finally had the sweet old lady you wished for. I hope you know how much you have helped me here in dealing with my mom, even tho you were going thru so much with yours.  I think like many of us we do grieve even before they die. I grieve the mom I never had.  I think you feel the same. I send you love and hugs and I'm wishing you peaceful fulfilling bright days ahead

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you everyone! I appreciate all your kind words.

On Sunday (one week from my mother's death) I brought my step-dad into my home and have set up hospice. He's unable to swallow due to esophageal cancer so he hasn't eaten since before my mom died. He's ready to die and my husband and I didn't want him to be alone in the assisted living facility. He's able to drink a bit so that's prolonging his suffering.

NEVER in my life did I ever think this would happen. So now there are out-of-town friends and family coming into my home to visit him, hospice people constantly and wow---- it's been a lot. He's comfortable though and happy to be with us so it's all worth it. My little old dog is happy to see grandpa and grandpa is happy to see him too.

This has been quite the last 2½ months, let me tell you.

[FromTheSwamp]

Esophageal cancer is such a rough one.  I am so sorry to hear you are in the middle of this.  Someone close to me is near the end with this and it is so hard to watch.  I hope it all goes as well as possible in the circumstances. 

[blacksheep7]

My condolences SunnyMeadow,

Nice to know that it was peaceful.  Wishing you well for a brighter future. 

[Amadahy]

Sunny, I work with hospice and of the traffic is too great, you can request only the nurse and an aide periodically.  Hugs and blessings.

[SonofThunder]

Wow. My thoughts and prayers for his quick departure, as you said he's ready and is suffering.  Thoughts and prayers for you as well.  You may just need some peaceful time soaking in some quietness and stillness afterward in that Sunny Meadow in which you are named. 

Peace to you Sunny,

SoT