The shame of vanity

[DaisyGirl77]

Another post in a different subforum jogged this memory & made things click.  Growing up, the emphasis was always on what was inside us that had value.  Our inner beauty, our honesty, integrity, etc., so much so that physical care outside of basic physical hygiene wasn't (perhaps unintentionally) something to be proud of.  I spent my entire childhood hating myself & dissociated because I was the scapegoat & wasn't allowed to have any value other than when my parents wanted me to have it (briefly, in public, bragging to their friends).  In so many ways, I was told I shouldn't care & if I did, then I was vain & that needed to be (figuratively) beaten out of me.  I wore sweats combos throughout high school because that was cheapest & all they could afford based on my size at the time.  (I was obese in high school.  A physical view of all the pain I was feeling, but I'd started packing on the pounds when I was 7 or 8.)  I was begrudgingly given nose strips to get rid of my blackheads, but also this was a source of shame.  I SHOULDN'T use it because vanity is bad & since vanity is bad I should hide my use of them. Makeup was out of the question, and weaponized to bully the ones who expressed the tiniest bit of interest in it. Blending in was mandatory, but I never knew how because I was the scapegoat, and us scapegoats can never blend in exactly how our FOO wants.

Nice little bit of gymnastics.

So lately I've packed on the pounds.  Part of it is because of COVID, but also...the inner child has been up for about a year now & is coping with food to shield me from all the emotions & trauma (new & old) & inner work I've been doing & working through during that time.  I even took a year to decide whether a small thing was worth doing, just because it fell into the vanity = bad pattern.

Well, I took the leap.  I'm beginning Invisalign next year, & the deciding factor was two school photos of my teeth.  In one, I had the normal teeth arrangement (the U shape on the top & bottom).  In the next year, that had changed to |_| & I'm taking it as physical evidence that the punch I'd taken in the mouth from my uNM between that time was strong enough that it reshaped my front teeth & flattened the soft curve.  I also think the stains she's obsessed over on my front teeth are bloodstains sustained during the aftermath.  I don't know if it's true, but I'm taking it as it is.  In any case, it's very strongly suggestive/circumstantial evidence to me, & Invisalign is going to be my way of reclaiming the smile I should've had if uNM hadn't punched me.  I know that the treatment comes with whitening, but I haven't yet decided if I want to take advantage of it.  Part of me does--reclaiming my smile & all that.  The other part of me doesn't.  That part wants my uNM to continue to feel ashamed for what she did to me as a child every single time she sees those teeth.  I want them as a physical reminder for her.  For her to remember the pain, suffering, shock, betrayal, etc.  Every single thing she did that day, & its immediate aftermath.  Even though we're estranged & don't see each other except maybe 1-2 times/year around other family, I want her to hurt & suffer.



I haven't decided.  Maybe I'll continue with my "vanity" & whiten my teeth, also in the name of reclaiming my smile.  I'm also planning on using this time fixing my teeth to fix & change my relationship with food & face all those feelings I've literally stuffed down & packed on my body so I wouldn't have to do that.  I'm scared.  I've spent my entire life living to eat, so this is going to be MASSIVE.  But I'm also excited.  These are much needed changes for me, & I'm hoping, once I'm done, the lessons I learned over that period of time stick with me for the rest of my life, & I get to be a new kind of healthy.

I'm also worried because I self-sabotage when things are going well.  I don't want to do this to myself.  I CAN'T do this to myself.  I deserve it.  But I don't realize I'm self-sabotaging until I'm almost done.

Here's to hoping this works.  Fingers crossed.

[Sojourner17]

Hi Daisy,  I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did as a child.  It must have been very hard to be fed those ideas of shame regarding physical beauty/taking care of yourself physically.  I don't know how old you are now  but I am glad that you are starting on your journey toward changing things physically for yourself.  Its actually amazing how making physical changes can really affect your day to day way of carrying yourself.  I'm really excited about how making the changes you wrote about will help you.  wishing you all the best in your journey!

[Srcyu]

The inner beauty and integrity didn't apply to them of course, funny that.

I wasn't allowed even basic personal hygiene during my teens, then I was blamed for being scruffy. Barely had any clothes which I had to hand wash and put back on still damp on Monday mornings while mother lay sleeping in her bed.

I'm telling you this because now  as a fully fledged adult, I am clean (bliss) and nicely dressed every single day.
I do it for me because I deserve to be clean and properly cared for.

You deserve the lovely smile that was taken from you in such a vile manner.
I say - do it, as well as the whitening. To do so will finally free you from her hideous behaviour and handiwork.
When you can smile beautifully again, losing weight might follow on more easily.

Do it, for yourself and for that badly treated little girl.

[NarcKiddo]

Good for you! I had my teeth straightened in my 40s and am so pleased I did.

If you would like the whitening then I also say "go for it". You say you want uNM to feel continued shame when she sees the stains but how do you know she feels any shame at all when she sees them? It would be a pity for you to deny yourself something because of her, even if the action feels like revenge. That said, you can get them whitened any time you like so it's not like this is the one and only chance.

I hope the weight loss program goes well. It is not easy (I know as I was overweight/obese for most of my adult life) but learning that good, healthy, nutritious food is very much more of a treat for your body than the rubbish we normally think of a a treat is really good. I'm rooting for you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

How sad this happened to you, Daisy.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this kind of pain.  Being scapegoated is such a scarring experience, IMO.  It's amazing the different ways PD FOO can make a child feel shame basically just for existing.  Body shame, shame for having basic human needs.  In our hoarding household, wanting things to be clean meant you were a snob and a betrayer of the family, and things like your shoe size made you unacceptable physically. 

I'm so glad you've decided to do this wonderful self-care.  I don't see it as vanity.  I see it as letting go of a PD's dysfunctional value system in favor of self love.   It's heartening to hear your story.  I've been considering getting treatment for some scarring on my face, but felt too "selfish and shallow" to do it and wondering how I could hide it.  But when I hear you talk about it, it doesn't sound like those things at all.  Thank you for the inspiration!

I hope you find ongoing support for making the changes in eating patterns.  I know some people who have been very successful with this by finding others to give support.  I've had that help with other lifestyle changes, and it's made a world of difference.

The best to you on this new journey!  Please let us know how it's going.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

P.S.  Daisy, thank you for your story and all others who shared.  After reading it, I took a step I've contemplated for years.  I made an appointment to consult with someone regarding treatment for some facial scarring.  We'll see where this goes . . .   

[DaisyGirl77]

The inner beauty and integrity didn't apply to them of course, funny that.

I wasn't allowed even basic personal hygiene during my teens, then I was blamed for being scruffy. Barely had any clothes which I had to hand wash and put back on still damp on Monday mornings while mother lay sleeping in her bed.

I'm telling you this because now  as a fully fledged adult, I am clean (bliss) and nicely dressed every single day.
I do it for me because I deserve to be clean and properly cared for.

You deserve the lovely smile that was taken from you in such a vile manner.
I say - do it, as well as the whitening. To do so will finally free you from her hideous behaviour and handiwork.
When you can smile beautifully again, losing weight might follow on more easily.

Do it, for yourself and for that badly treated little girl.

Thank you for your kind words, Windmill.  I'm so sorry you had to experience that as a child.  I had about 10 shirts & 5 or 6 bottoms to wear per season in high school, so that was fun.  I've swung the other way so hard that I now have to remember I don't need any more clothes.  I have more than enough...but it never seems like it's enough.

People tell me my smile is their favorite feature on me, & I've never felt ashamed of it.  I honestly began looking into Invisalign to see if straightening my teeth would help with my TMJ.  (As a 25 year old, I was told I had the joint of a 50-60 year old.  I'm over a decade older now & my dentist is very concerned with the crunching my joints produce when my teeth are being cleaned, lol, but I can pop & crack them at will with very little effort.)  It then turned into an obsession:  I NEEDED to know if my teeth alignment were affected by that punch.  I have a friend who's very spiritual & made the observation that he thinks I carry a lot of tension within the jaw joint & suggested I try acupuncture to relieve it &, perhaps, release the emotions &/or memories I may have tied to it.  I might do it after I complete the Invisalign course.  We shall see.

Good for you! I had my teeth straightened in my 40s and am so pleased I did.

If you would like the whitening then I also say "go for it". You say you want uNM to feel continued shame when she sees the stains but how do you know she feels any shame at all when she sees them? It would be a pity for you to deny yourself something because of her, even if the action feels like revenge. That said, you can get them whitened any time you like so it's not like this is the one and only chance.

I hope the weight loss program goes well. It is not easy (I know as I was overweight/obese for most of my adult life) but learning that good, healthy, nutritious food is very much more of a treat for your body than the rubbish we normally think of a a treat is really good. I'm rooting for you.

Thanks for the encouragement, NarcKiddo.   I know she's ashamed of what she did because she brought it up to a few dentists while I was still a minor to see if there was a way to whiten those stains off my teeth permanently, & admitted she had punched me.  In fact, I was about 10 or 11 when I first learned this had happened; I had no memory of it until then, & I remember the dentist whirling to look at me, just stunned speechless, before collecting himself & answering her questions.  IIRC, I sat in the chair in stony silence, hiding behind my poker face while processing this bit of news & trying to remember. The answer was it was possible, but expensive, & not recommended on anyone under 18, I think.  She's focused quite a lot on this stain.  TBH, I didn't realize just how much anger I had toward her for this until I wrote my OP, lol.  I'll have to sit on this for a bit.

Losing weight will be a trial in & of itself, & I'm very concerned with what will come up when I'm ready to begin that process.  My parents were authoritarian & food was one of the many things they used to control us.  We were just barely above poverty, so it was a lot of "eat this or starve/Children in Africa would finish everything on your plate!" type things.  Because I was so controlled & boxed in, I bristle fast & hard when anyone brings it up.  I do not deal at all well with being told what to do, so nutritionists & dieticians are out of the question, as are personal trainers & anyone else who tries to position themself as "in charge of" whatever bit of my life they want to take over.  Encouragement alone walks a very fine line because too many people fall into the forceful motivation side.  I am willfully contrary when this happens.  Wish me luck...eventually.

Lookin 2 B Free:  I'm so excited for you that our stories have encouraged you to take your own self-care step!  I'm truly hoping you're able to get the best possible results with your scarring & with the best possible specialist.  The very best of luck to you!

Hugs to all. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

DaisyGirl, I just want to say good for you! There are battle scars and there is rising above it all. I think you have both here. I hope your Invisalign and weight loss efforts help you put the past to rest and give you a healthier future.

[looloo]

Hi Daisy!  I wanted to jump on and say absolutely go for the Invisalign!  I have another month or so before I'm done with mine (fingers crossed it won't stretch out beyond that), and I'm very happy with the results.  My teeth began to shift quite a bit in the past 5 years, plus I was seeing gum recession (sorry if this is too much info), and the aligners have helped a lot both cosmetically and improving gum health.

Re: "vanity"-I've had messages throughout my life from my parents that any prolonged interest or effort on physical appearance is "vanity".  I wasn't ever "overly" interested in hair/makeup/clothes, but body image was tough, and still is to some extent.  The "unnecessary" things that I do (hair color, pedicures, makeup)-I still hear my mother's disapproval.  I love to admire beautiful clothes, but I'm a Fashion Coward (look for the SNL skit on YouTube and you'll see exactly what I mean 😀) as well as increasingly minimalist, so I have a fairly small and bland wardrobe.

Diet and fitness was a struggle when I was living at home. Mother was probably a food addict and had very unhealthy habits.  Father was highly disciplined and naturally athletic.  I saw the friction play out in their relationship my entire life and it shaped me in a big way.  Anyway, I got in touch with my own natural physical abilities and interests as an adult, and I've had a great time over the years doing activities that keep me in shape and give me sense of my own strength and potential. But I still hear the voice that it's all just me being vain, only wanting to "look good". 

[DaisyGirl77]

Thank you, Cordelia!

Hi Daisy!  I wanted to jump on and say absolutely go for the Invisalign!  I have another month or so before I'm done with mine (fingers crossed it won't stretch out beyond that), and I'm very happy with the results.  My teeth began to shift quite a bit in the past 5 years, plus I was seeing gum recession (sorry if this is too much info), and the aligners have helped a lot both cosmetically and improving gum health.

Re: "vanity"-I've had messages throughout my life from my parents that any prolonged interest or effort on physical appearance is "vanity".  I wasn't ever "overly" interested in hair/makeup/clothes, but body image was tough, and still is to some extent.  The "unnecessary" things that I do (hair color, pedicures, makeup)-I still hear my mother's disapproval.  I love to admire beautiful clothes, but I'm a Fashion Coward (look for the SNL skit on YouTube and you'll see exactly what I mean 😀) as well as increasingly minimalist, so I have a fairly small and bland wardrobe.

Diet and fitness was a struggle when I was living at home. Mother was probably a food addict and had very unhealthy habits.  Father was highly disciplined and naturally athletic.  I saw the friction play out in their relationship my entire life and it shaped me in a big way.  Anyway, I got in touch with my own natural physical abilities and interests as an adult, and I've had a great time over the years doing activities that keep me in shape and give me sense of my own strength and potential. But I still hear the voice that it's all just me being vain, only wanting to "look good".

Thanks, Looloo.  I did already start the payment process (hooray for FSAs, I swear).  Congrats on being at the finish line!  My gums are fine except for the bottom middle two front.  That spot has seen so much food stuck between those teeth (that I was completely unaware of) that my gum there is "floppy" says my dentist, & I might need to have it removed.  My teeth are firmly rooted in all their spots, which is good.  I'd be devastated if I had to lose a tooth--it's the single most frequently commented on physical feature for me, & I like my smile, lol.  I'm hoping it'll help with my TMJ.  I went to a specialist a long time ago (around 25-26) & was told I had the joint of a 50-60 year old.  I have suspicions that uNM's punch to my mouth also caused the TMJ cuz I've been dealing with it since I was a very young child.  So I'm crossing my fingers there.

Diet/fitness was also an issue growing up as well.  We were fed cheap foods--we were just above the poverty line for the majority of my childhood so exploring a variety of foods was not on the menu.  Ever.  To this day, I refuse to eat spaghetti with actual spaghetti-type noodles, or chop suey, or tuna casserole.  If I never see them again, it'll be too soon.  It's weird now, cuz I spend time with a friend family (husband & wife & their two children) & I marvel at how varied their diet is.  Brussels sprouts, fingerling potatoes, sweet potatoes, multiple ways of preparing meat...  They feed this to them regularly & they don't blink an eye.  I learn so much helping them out in the kitchen when I'm there, especially since I'd never had a lot of the stuff they eat regularly until I became friends with them.  I'm not trying to shame my parents; they did the best they could with the limited funds they had, but I would've liked to have been exposed to more than russet potatoes, onions, & the bland but filling foods we were fed.

I also have an issue with this area because bodily autonomy wasn't a thing for me.  It never mattered what I wanted.  If my parents wanted X & I wanted Y, they got X, but only after we had a HUGE screaming fight & I got punished/disciplined for opposing their will, so I now struggle in this area.  They were strictly authoritarian whereas they had a child who asked why after they issued an order, & they took it as questioning their decisions while I was just trying to understand their logic behind their commands.  I had very little choice as a child, which has manifested in many ways as an adult.  An example is that I now refuse to allow anyone to dictate what I can & cannot eat, & if you tell me to eat X, I will willfully antagonize you by eating everything BUT X.  It's a massively hot trigger button for me, & one I have to desensitize myself to...uh, eventually.

I'm really happy you were able to overcome your own issues in that area & be who you want to be.