Losing Sense of Self...

[BefuddledClarity]

Just been kinda ... Reflecting lately... And I feel like I've been losing who I am as a core person. I'm always worried that I'm offending those close to me, or that I appear too sensitive, too harsh, too whiney, too this, too that.

Just got that epiphany recently ...
Is it Acceptable Behaviour - Friendship
For this who replied, you've been really kind and gentle with me, and reminded me of my worth. I hadn't realized I was making excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

Then, when I ask people about same behavior (outside of forum), I get told it's a "me" problem kinda thing. Sorta like ... "Well, you got yourself in the situation" type of thing and "so it's your fault, deal with it". Idk, I probably explain really bad I'm sorry.

Over here, you guys are nice, supportive, and problem solving, not just the "tough love" that I receive from everyone else(tough love is not always bad, but everyone once in a while, a gentle prodding is nice).

I just feel sometime something is wrong with my brain because how can I have so many issues all the time?
After the Accident... Everything Changed
My brother call me out and say many things ...I feel very much like loser without many to talk to in real life... I feel I have no one who believe in me... I want to start my own business, but now I feel much like I will fail, because I'm told I'm not capable person...

How do I get over this low self-esteem issue?
I used to not let it bother me, but as soon as I become unemployed, my sense of self crumbles ... I no longer feel strong and capable of being a rock for anyone. I feel weak and useless ... Then on top of that, I tried to make drastic changes to self to make up for it...

I had "friend" I mentioned in 1st thread I posted. He is muscle-head, extremely disciplined, and hates alcohol & cannabis. I tried to be more disciplined again and changed my own diet. I quit drinking caffeine (despite my love for coffee) and I momentarily quit cannabis, but I just feel... Empty... I guess, because I am not doing it solely for me, but to be like someone else..
I am envious of this friend, because I used to be fit and disciplined. I used to eat healthy & exercise everyday. Now here I am very underweight, nearly starving, can't afford food ...(that issue I fix today, I got government assistance, so now I can cook again).

Idk, I am just rambling much.
I'm planning on deleting any social apps I have with connections to people I know in real life. Call me a hermit crab, but I prefer friends whom we only know each other through anonymous usernames on social sites. It's more of a "hey, cool kudos" to see familiar usernames. It's getting to friendly levels but not too attached... Idk, again, maybe I am just in my feelings right now and need to relax for bit.

I need to go eat something, my stomach is pained lol. I have hard time to eat though when I feel upset sometimes. Just don't feel I deserve anything right now.

[Jolie40]

hi befuddled


"doing" things will give you self-esteem

they say kids & teens are suffering with mental health issues now
mine does have meltdowns but they've become "less" recently

I think it's because of volunteer work that teen has done recently
helping others gets one thinking of others & not oneself

also, do "fun" activities
teen has started taking roller skating lessons & skating makes teen happy

find activities to make "you" happy!

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello, sorry I take long to respond.
I needed to reflect for a while, but now I'm ready to respond.

 due to my situation, unable to get therapy until I am employed pretty much. I go to DV support groups though, and I use a "free" version of therapy, it's a popular app. It's kind of hit or miss depending on who ends up being the "listener"(basically volunteer therapist).

But anyways, you've provided a lot of good advice. I currently journal as well.

The root of my problem is like you said pretty much just seeking validation from other people instead of just being myself and also once I lost my job, I felt like I Iost apart of myself.

I'm used to being everyone's rock & stone, and haven't really had the reverse... So now I'm like "Who am I if I can't be the provider? Who am I, if I can't help others (or myself)?"

I have to adjust and adapt...
But I haven't given up entirely, I'm fighting back to get employed. It's just a never ending cycle...

I guess I also been caring what other people think, because those I have kept in my company are quick to criticize me, so that's how I began to view myself as a loser and always screwing things up...

I'm letting go of those people now though.

@Jolie40, indeed, doing hobbies does help. I haven't been though. After the car accident, my favourite guitar was in it, and I haven't retrieved it yet. I have no inspiration to draw anymore and my other hobbies... Just on the back burner. I'm depressed from being unemployed, but once I find a job, I think I'll be OK. Also, spending time with son has been joyous as well. It makes me momentarily forget about my worries and feel better...