It ends with us

[Prototypian]

Word salad or not, I've learned that her concerns are usually multifactorial,  based on fear of loss and will use rules or bureaucracy when needed to justify (she knows and studies most municipal codes, has a law degree but doesn't practice, and has been everything from planning and zoning to city council to economic development board to school board over the years as elected or appointed positions).  I've learned that her brain is much more capable than mine at cycling through every single contingency and arriving at the worst case scenario.   In the yard case the fear is any possible loss of a wildflower with mowing is too great a potential loss.   Parking means that every single space must be individually assessed for the least amount of risk and even being late to a movie or close to time on a flight means you can't select an inappropriate space.  Selecting cleaning products, trying a new recipe, ordering a drink at a restaurant all have a whirlwind of bad outcomes.   I used to try and figure out the why but I've learned that the why is not something I can understand. 

Example from last night:   We have a cat.   He is big and annoying but I kind of like him.   He taught the dog that he will not take any crap.  We live on a couple of acres adjacent to a very large lake and much of the back property is wild.  At least once a day the cat sits on the porch or yard and sometimes goes into the back doing whatever cats do.  He is hard to find after dark.  He will wear a collar but has come in without it recently. I indiscriminately picked out a breakaway collar that's reflective, has a bell and a slot for an Apple air tag and I ordered one of those.  When she realized I had done this one would have thought the selection process was like choosing a defense contractor for building an aircraft carrier.  She wanted details on the safety, the breakaway, the material the bell was made of, how the Apple tag fits in it, what if the cat swallows the air tag, did I review the comments, did I determine how reflective the collar was, is an AirTag too heavy, who was the maker of the collar that was lost, what if the size is too big or too small, what if the cat doesn't like it, do people normally have air tags on cats, how do air tags work...

I actually did the following for research:  checked Amazon, found one, did some minor looking to make sure it looked like the air tag would hold in the slot and ordered it and even got the air tag engraved with the cats name.   

I trust that the makers of the collars did their product studies and that the AirTag would be as easy to use as the one I bought my mom for her keys. 

I'm rambling but this is the life.  If I had to give the guiding rules it would be rule 1) zero waste of anything anytime that has any potential value whether that is energy, things that could be given or thrown away or parts of nature from weeds to ants to mosquitoes, nothing should ever be discarded or wasted if it has potential use.   

Number 2) disagreements on principle are very bad and one can't agree to disagree.  If you are wrong about an idea it is a grave error whether that is your thoughts on bikes traveling in traffic lanes at 10 mph in a 40 mph zone or you think that it is morally wrong to eat meat, your thoughts even if you agree to disagree yourself are WRONG just because of your opinion and she can't let that go ever.  She must comment and let people know

Number 3) there is always a worst case scenario and for any action no matter what, this worst case should be identified and prevented before taking any action.  Whether driving, filing a form, choosing a direction to jog or hanging a poster at home, the likelihood that it will be dramatically wrong is often so great you should do nothing rather than take the chance of the worst case scenario happening.

And I don't think she rationally chooses this. I think she actually is completely stuck in it with no amount of therapy or assistance that could ever change it because she sees it as the way the world should work.

[notrightinthehead]

I probably would appreciate and respect your wife if I knew her, and at the same time would find it impossible to work with her or spend any amount of time with her. I might get advice from her which cat collar to buy though. Also,  I would probably change sides of the street if I saw her coming. Dogmatic people are difficult to interact with.
At least you have a place where you can escape to if the madness gets too much for you.

[Prototypian]

I probably would appreciate and respect your wife if I knew her, and at the same time would find it impossible to work with her or spend any amount of time with her.......
At least you have a place where you can escape to if the madness gets too much for you.

Yes on both accounts.   In our community she is-on both sides of the coin-loved and depended on and for others loathed and an enemy.   If you are on the side of fairness, dignity, rules, ethics and what is "right" then she is your choice as a representative.  If you prefer to cut red tape or at any time want to "skirt the rules" then she is not your candidate. 

And I am very fortunate that I have the finances and fortune to have a place in our town where I can escape that's a separate space that I have claimed as my own.   

And sometimes she is quite engaging and pleasant, she is the mother to our three kids, she is incredibly productive at things she is focused on; most of her deliverables are late or have been tabled for further research or analysis.  I don't think she could exist in a private sector type of role where things have to be done on time or you fail.   But when I look at government and bureaucracy, there is areason some people thrive in that sort of miasma.  I look at the USA passport office or a state Deparrment of motor vehicles and I see the most inefficient frustrating mess imaginable and she sees it as a very necessary set of checks and processes that prevent anything from being a mistake.  I suppose it's all in how you look at it.