It ends with us

Prototypian · August 13, 2024, 09:43:09 PM

I am a long time poster on the forum and took a break for a while. I'm married to an uOCPDw and have been married for over 30 years. Yesterday I was arrested. Not what you're thinking; my wife loves wildflowers. So much that we moved once because neighbors and she got into enormous fights over a patch of bluebonnets that were on our property but in a path that led to a shared pond. Very serious, we had police called and enough arguments that we eventually sold the home and moved to.oue current one. I don't really care about the flowers although I wish I could mow. Our lot is a couple of acres but is in a fairly big city in DFW and has many mature trees. My spouse loves the wild things especially any flowers that show up. But this isn't like a small patch. It's wild weeds including ragweed, crummy hackberry trees and large and small weeds. She has been so angry nd frustrated if I mow over anything she took over mowing which happens very rarely. Somehow we received a notice from the city which never made it to me among the piles of stuff she keeps everywhere. Then a fine was issued and finally a court appearance. As I didn't know about any of this two days ago the police arrived with a bench warrant arrest. My spouse was out of town and I had to get my daughter to pick me up. I can't believe two police showed up to handcuff me. Read me my rights and haul me to the city courthouse to be arraigned for failure to appear and I had to pay a fine and next I have to see a judge in a court date. I've never been to court before for any reason. We live in a home worth an insane amount of money and it's fully paid for and I live in horrible fear of mowing because of her anger and I'm the one who got arrested.

If I were kidding this might be funny but her concern when I called her furious was that I not mow until she gets back. My job has a blasted security clearance and she cares more about the waste of the flowers.

I often go to movies on weekends and since I saw Deadpool two weeks ago and not much else was out I saw a movie called it ends with us. And what I realized is that the abused person often makes excuses until it doesn't matter anymore. The main character in the show "broke the cycle" by insisting on a divorce and stating to her newborn daughter that "it ends with us".

So I started wondering if this is just the cycle of abuse that simply won't end. She will forever consider the things and details to be more important than my health and life?

Rebel13 · August 13, 2024, 10:12:06 PM

I'm so sorry! This sounds so embarassing, humiliating, frustrating and infuriating for you. I have read some of your former posts and I know you are in a difficult situation.

The only thing I can say, as I don't have a lot of experience with what you are dealing with, is that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Based on that, you have to decide what is best for you.

I wish you well and take good care of yourself.

notrightinthehead · August 14, 2024, 12:42:06 AM

Welcome back! What an unpleasant experience. So much drama about some wild flowers. I wonder if you have decided to make changes in your future behavior to prevent something similar to happen again?

blunk · August 14, 2024, 02:43:49 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on August 13, 2024, 09:43:09 PMSo I started wondering if this is just the cycle of abuse that simply won't end. She will forever consider the things and details to be more important than my health and life?

Jsinjin, I am sorry to say that you are correct. The cycle will continue, until you are able to protect or remove yourself from it. You were LITERALLY arrested because your fear of her reaction caused you to violate this ordinance, and her hoarding caused you not to see the court notice. And I'm guessing that you could continue to be cited for as long as the condition of the lawn persists...yet she still doesn't want you to mow! And you're still afraid to mow!!!

I know it's difficult to hear, but you should not have to live like this.

square · August 15, 2024, 08:05:55 AM

This is really awful

What are your plans to address this going forward?

SeaBreeze · August 15, 2024, 09:04:12 AM

I'm...stunned. At both your spouse and the city!

In the short term, can the city send in a crew to mow the grass and then bill you as your "punishment"? Then your wife (who I understand from previous posts is herself an elected local official) can battle it out with the city instead of with you?

In the long term, will this cycle indeed ever end? How long can you continue using "The Tools" to cope with your wife's disorder while the outfall results in such extreme situations as you being arrested over an unmowed lawn? I've posted before about where my stbx's uOCPD intersects with his uNPD; your wife's lack of caring or empathy toward your arrest seems, to me, to be a similar intersection. And intersections need stop signs!

Just my thoughts. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Bring up that sacrosanct protected Texas Bluebonnets defense to the judge if needed!

walking on broken glass · August 15, 2024, 11:25:41 AM

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. You are absolutely right to wonder about the future. If there haven't been any changes to your wife's behaviour so far, it is highly unlikely that anything will change in the future. All I can say is you don't have to live like this, walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have a duty to yourself, first and foremost, to protect your own mental health. Don't brush this off or take it lightly.

TurnThePage · August 15, 2024, 12:02:16 PM

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

As someone committed to working on it....I can say that the cycle of abuse never ends. You may think that all is well for a while but then something happens to throw everything into a tailspin....hate to say it but it's true.

You can learn how to deal with their behavior and it may go well for a while ....but then woosh....down the rollercoaster you go.....

You need to decide what you are willing to deal with for the rest of your life.....

Poison Ivy · August 15, 2024, 04:00:25 PM

Wow, Jsinjin. I'm very sorry this happened to you. One thing you might want to consider is whether you want your children to learn that it's acceptable to abuse or be abused by a family member, to the point of causing the family member to get in legal trouble.

Prototypian · August 15, 2024, 09:41:21 PM

Hi all, just sent kid number three off to college. That's the last one. Kids are all either out on their own or in college.

Poison Ivy · August 15, 2024, 09:43:13 PM

Congratulations on your children's successful launches! But remember, you're always their dad and always a source of life lessons.

TurnThePage · August 16, 2024, 11:22:52 AM

Defiantdaughter1 · August 26, 2024, 02:24:01 AM

That is unreal! I didn't think people actually got arrested for that. 35 years ago, our neighbors were in your situation. They got letters from the City and had to go to court and pay fines. That continued for years. They never got arrested. I'm truly shocked. This must be extremely stressful. I can see why it's been a major strain on your marriage. Based on your previous posts over the past few years, you have had a very difficult, frustrating life because of her. I'm sorry about everything you have had to endure. I really hope you can get to a peaceful place in life. It's been long and hard.

Defiantdaughter1 · August 26, 2024, 02:27:00 AM

Seabreeze has a good suggestion. Maybe the City will send someone to mow and then it wouldn't be anybody's fault.

doglady · August 29, 2024, 02:57:42 AM

'If I were kidding this might be funny but her concern when I called her furious was that I not mow until she gets back. My job has a blasted security clearance and she cares more about the waste of the flowers.'

Yes, Jsinjin, it appears she does.

I hope one day you are able to free yourself of this tyranny.

sunshine702 · September 04, 2024, 02:27:56 PM

So with any legal battle. I have had a few of all types. Get a one time paid fee lawyer who is a shark. Call and call and call until you find the perfect person. I just recently got my 10k back from my ex and hilariously the opposing lawyer and I met in our small town. He told me I should be a lawyer...

Take the "slap on the wrist"
Some sort of Anger management classes. Do them. Get it expunged

Prototypian · September 05, 2024, 01:56:43 PM

All:

I've accepted that I'm too far gone. I'm not completely happy but who is?

I don't worry about finances as I have been very fortunate in life and my spouse (uOCPD of course) benefits from that as do my kids.

Without the kids drama I'm able to have a lot more peace. I have a routine with exercise and reading and music and work.

The trash and yard and recycling will forever be interesting problems for her and there isn't a way to explain it. Yesterday a letter came from the city that said with the new trash pick up robots on trucks, there must be 15 feet of clearance. These have been running for months now and are being rolled out all over the city. She went into inconsolable mode worrying about the power/phone lines above the front of the driveway and are they above 15 feet. Asking over and over about how I could measure to make sure it's above 15 feet, not caring about the idea that we should let the problem go and leave it to the power company and the city to solve if there is a problem but in her brain she can't. A municipal rule is a rule and it is absolute but I did say I wasn't going to participate with this latest deep concern.

It's what I have and as I approach retirement I'm not really able to shift. Call it a sunk cost fallacy for me.

blunk · September 06, 2024, 01:45:18 PM

I'm sorry again Jsinjin, but I have a question.

If she is all-consumed by rules and regulations...why was she not concerned with the rules being broken by not maintaining the yard as the city requires?

Call Me Cordelia · September 06, 2024, 02:24:47 PM

Call Me Cordelia · September 06, 2024, 02:40:21 PM

It's maddening, but I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that there would be some morally superior word salad to justify ignoring that rule in favor of some other more importantly binding principle for which the pwpd is the highest authority. At least that's my experience with OCPD. Don't get into a land war in Asia or a logical argument with someone with OCPD. They have their irrational but absolute rules, and it is everyone else's responsibility to follow those rules. Period.