96 year old parent with BPD

[Kitty Slippers]

Hello everyone,
My Mum is 96. My Dad died 40 years ago and since that time I've been my Mum's substitute 'husband' and now I'm her Carer. I have a brother who bowed out of her life 18 years ago and a sister who lives a day away, but has health issues of her own plus a husband with early onset Dementia. I've always been 'the only one'.
My sister recently managed to come over and visit Mum for 9 days for the first time in 7 years. I was deliriously happy! I'm physically with Mum 4 or 5 times a week (taking her shopping and visiting people and taking her on day trips) and ring her the days I'm not. Since I was 21, I've always put her first, above myself and sometimes above my family. We've always taken her with us on holiday (even when we wanted time alone) and involved her with everything. She's always been 'difficult' and controlling. She's never been able to keep friends and regularly fell out with her sisters. She's never apologised to me for anything - "I don't need to apologise, I'm your Mother"
I'm very happily married with 5 children (2 are mine, 2 are my husband's and 1 is a child we had together, who is 19) and have 7 grandchildren between us ranging from 2-11. 2 of them live just down the road and I'm happily very involved in their lives.
I recently contacted NAPAC because I felt so worn down by Mum and she'd started accusing me of stealing from her. Ridiculous things like her favourite scarf (which she probably dropped somewhere) and her single quilt cover (which probably was put in a charity bag by her accidentally - I don't even have any single beds). No amount of telling her I didn't steal and would never steal from her made her believe me. My husband even went to try and talk to her about it and she told him that I'd given her 40 years of pain. That hurt me a lot.
I managed to carry on seeing her, but I kept having panic attacks when I was due to go. I couldn't get the fact that she'd accused me of stealing, out of my head. I started having flash backs to when I was a child - scared and alone. I was never physically/sexually abused, but from the age of 7 I got the silent treatment regularly when I'd annoyed her. I usually didn't know what I'd done, she never told me. I had to apologise to her, but when she asked what for and I said I didn't know, it started all over again. She'd go for 2 weeks without speaking to me, putting me to bed and tucking me in, saying goodbye before school, saying hello when I got home etc etc. I was bullied at school, so I had no one.
I emailed NAPAC because I wasn't coping very well with it all and they told me that my Mum emotionally abused and coercively controlled me and that I should research the fact she may have BPD. I did and it fits her exactly. I felt free that it hadn't always been my fault.
The past couple of weeks has been awful. She's accusing me of saying 'pardon' to her on purpose. She's in a wheelchair and I'm pushing her round the supermarket and she has a small voice now. I don't hear her. She had a meltdown about it this week in M&S, shouting at me and saying that she wished she could walk to get away from me. Then decided to dish out the silent treatment to me because of it. I remembered what I'd read from the links that NAPAC sent me and I decided to wait until she'd paid for her shopping and instead of doing any more shopping in Sainsburys, I told her that although I appreciated that she felt frustrated that she couldn't do things now she's older, it wasn't fair that she was treating me like this. She flipped and shouted at me "This is your fault! Find someone else to hate will you?! You don't treat me well!" I was very calm and drove her home. I told her I'd see her as usual the next day and took her out to see family. She ignored me and didn't speak to me, just to my daughters. I went round today with my husband to do her garden and she only spoke to my husband and just grunted at me. I'm due to see her on Tuesday to take her shopping like last week and I'm dreading it.
I've been reading all of the things on this site and realise that I'm doing the right thing by setting boundaries for myself. She hasn't got any kind of dementia. She's been tested for it. This is just who she is.
I'm sorry to put such a long post, but I'm just wondering if there is anyone else out there who is dealing with a very elderly parent and if they can pass on any help/advice to me.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG, Kitty Slippers.

What a long and painful journey - a life time, really, of inexplicable mistreatment from your mother. I am so sorry and sad that you have been through this and are in the midst of caring for someone whose behaviors and words toward you are toxic.

This is a community of fellow travelers and I am thankful you have reached out for support. It sounds like you have reached a saturation point with all of this.

It is a great help to find a context for your mother in realizing her traits may line up with BPD. The thing that could be helpful right now is to begin to dig in to the toolbox above for each trait and to explore the resources and conversations taking place all over the boards.

We have a sub forum for those dealing with personality disordered elderly parents found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=37.0

and anther more general for dealing with PD parents: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0

You were so wise to begin to set boundaries with your mother as she was mistreating you. This is your work going forward from the little I know of it all. To decide what does and does not work for you in this relationship and to set limits and boundaries around what you are going to do or not going to do. There are great conversations around what boundaries are and are not that may be of good help to you.

Here is a particularly helpful one: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=36232.0

Keep coming back. Read, share, ask questions and join the conversations. We are here to support you and encourage you!