Pre-holidays anxiety

[RiverPurl]

I am dreading it. 

Me and my sister we haven't seen each other in years and that's fine by me.  We don't spend any physical time together and that should be good.

I was recieving a harassment campaign for years from her. Christmas is one of her triggering points.

I remember reading something years ago from her online.  She wrote that as she was walking home (to her flat) she saw all these homes with Christmas trees in the windows and bright displays. She wrote she loves it but it upsets her because it reminds her that she doesn't have a family.  She wrote that she does have a family but then she wrote everything that's wrong with us and it upsets her.  She painted a picture of her being an orphan at Christmas time. 

She buys into what the media pushes of Christmas being big happy family events and what she has is a nostalgic feeling of Christmas from her youth.  The Christmas that our mother always tried to make for us.  Our father was too busy getting drunk and spending time with his mistress and other girlfriends. It was my mother who tired to make things happen under difficult circumstances.  The mother she hates with a passion now.

Anyways she buys into the image of Christmas that the media pushes and she won't be happy and she is triggered and she will lash out and make me pay all over again with more of her campaign.  She's going to make sure and no one else will be having a nice Christmas either. Even with so many miles and distance between us she will still try and stain things.

Horrible. 

[Rebel13]

Just thinking about this, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I am trying to fight my guilt by saying to myself that I will still see my mum and that she spends all mornings talking to my sis on skype anyway, so why is it a big deal if we are not there during the festive time?

That sigh of relief says this is the right answer!!

Also please consider, lots of people have large families and split holiday attendance. My partner's family holds their gathering on a day that is not Christmas, and is organized around everyone's schedules, so that people can go to in-laws/partners' family parties etc. It is NOT AT ALL weird to celebrate on a day that is not THE day. Personally I think the cultural focus on THE day, and not on the dynamics of the celebration (what are we celebrating? do we feel loving and connected? are we all glad we're here?) is a little problematic sometimes. So I really hope you do what makes you feel calm and happy and set aside any guilt about the timing.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all
I now have to find the courage to announce the decision

[walking on broken glass]

I did it! I told my mum! She didn't complain, she said to do what's best for us.
Fun fact: after I told her about our plans, she told me that my sis had booked tickets for the 26th of December to the 6th of January. I said oh that's good, you will have company for longer. Miraculously my sis had made plans and her tickets had been booked all along but of course I was kept in the dark. I am so glad for once we made our own plans and did not depend on hers. 

[Rebel13]

Yay! Winner winner chicken dinner!

[walking on broken glass]

My mum is having a second operation on the 20th of November. She won't stay in the hospital overnight and we have relatives that will look after her when she comes out. I just feel bad because I had booked to go home and see my partner that weekend and I am now thinking that I could have booked to go stay with her for a few days instead. I also worry that she will be thinking that, even though when I had asked her if she wanted me to come, she said that there is no need. But my mum never asks for help. She is the one that has to look after others. So it would have to come from me and then she would reluctantly accept it.

My feelings are 90% guilt and 10% genuine worry, in the sense that I don't think my being there would make a significant difference for her recovery other than emotionally, that she would have someone home to talk to. But then I know that all her mornings would be spent talking to my sister on Skype and I am questioning how helpful my presence would really be - for me or her! It does feel that she gets more out of talking to sis than being in the same room with me. She likes being needed and she can't deal with someone looking after her. I've always had a complicated relationship with my mum: I was never able to be emotionally close to her and she doesn't know how to be around me. When I was young, I would try to involve her in my personal life by sharing stuff about my friends etc but she couldn't relate and I was always left disappointed. I very quickly gave up on having a close relationship and learned not to share personal stuff. We now mostly talk about harmless practical stuff, the weather, everyday news etc. I feel awkward when it's the two of us, wracking my brain to find something to talk about. After my dad died, I have been calling her every night to chat with her and check on her but our conversations tend to be short: as soon as she finds out we are doing ok, she wants to hang up, even though I am trying to engage her by asking questions and chit chatting. By contrast, she talks with sis for hours - well mostly she is the recipient of my sister's news broadcast and various complaints. I don't envy their relationship, I think it's unhealthy and codependent. But I sometimes get sad that we can't have a more close relationship.

All this is to say that my feelings come more from a place of obligation than genuine desire to be with her and look after her. I love my mum and I wouldn't leave her on her own if it was an emergency, but I know this isn't, so I am not very keen to go there, even if I know it would probably help her to have me there.

I hope this is all making sense. What do you guys think?

My partner says I shouldn't feel guilty since she has people to look after her and we are going there to be with her just a couple of weeks later for 10 days.

[Rebel13]

I think you're nailing it when you recognize you're mainly reacting from FOG. Since your mom is explicitly telling you "there is no need" for you to be there during that time, I would take that at face value! It's really not up to us to try to read between the lines, ferret out what another person "really needs" (in our opinion), etc. It's really, really OK to do what feels right to you, or at least put that into the equation alongside the worry, guilt, and everything else. I'm noticing, as time goes on, it's easier to give my own feelings, needs, and preferences at least as much weight as everything else that's going on in a particular situation.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel 😊 I think you are right. I still haven't told her that I am going home that weekend but I think it's ok to (want to) go home and not there. Just working on my good daughter guilt!