The fall-out of estrangement

[Mindmaze]

Hi everyone
I'm estranged from one parent and a sibling. My sibling caused it by doing something incredibly hurtful to me (for context people are shocked when I tell them, but I don't tell most people because I am ashamed to be from such a dysfunctional family). I did not choose to estrange myself from them, they just cut me off. They did it during a hard phase of my life and I had to have counselling and a lot of self-work to overcome it.

I am not invited to any family events and have not seen either of them for years. My parents are divorced and I have a relationship with my other parent but it's not easy. I have a relationship with my other sibling. She refuses to get involved in any way in the conflict, preferring to try to maintain a relationship with all of us. That has really hurt me as I feel that I have been so badly mistreated that I can't see how she wouldn't stand up for me. They have mistreated her but, for various reasons including needing financial support and also being the favourite, she chooses to keep a relationship with them. Her life is a bit chaotic but I am always there for her to talk to when she needs me.

Recently the whole family met up and I was not invited. It hurt tbh. My sister didn't even reach out to see if I was upset about it all. She did have things going on in her own life but it hurt that she didn't care to check in on how I was feeling. I know that the parent I am estranged from tells lies about me and has likely poisoned her view of me. 

To cut a long story short, I have been listening to her problems etc and trying to be there for her. Whenever I bring up anything relating to the rest of the family she goes silent. It makes me feel like asking about my family is something shameful. I also hate that she just stops communication if she doesn't like what I talk about. I've told her that it hurts me that she tries to stay neutral in a situation that I don't think is neutral. I find the silent treatment abusive and childish.

I want to maintain a relationship with her because I love her and I know she has good qualities. I would also like to actually have some family left. However, I don't know what to do. If I tell her that she's upsetting me then she will tell a bunch of lies to justify her behaviour (like it wasn't silent treatment and I have misinterpreted her) or she will go silent. If I accept her treatment then the cycle perpetuates. I know that the only route really would be to just leave it and stop being in contact with her so that she understands that she can't treat me like this. But then I worry about her well-being if I do that.

Anyone got any advice or tactics on this?

[Rebel13]

Hi Mindmaze,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation. Family stuff can be so difficult and painful. For my own mental health, I've kept my family at a distance for many years, geographically, emotionally, and contact-wise. About a year and a half ago I chose to stop communication with my mother, based on some obnoxious behavior from her. This has made my relationship with my father and stepmother easier, but there are still problems there.

The best thing I've done for myself is to create a family of choice, getting my social and emotional needs met in connection with my partner, coworkers, and a small group of close friends carefully chosen for their ability to be real, and to create and maintain reciprocal relationships. Again, this isn't perfect, and I think growing up with the dysfunction I encountered made me especially self-reliant and more comfortable being alone than many people seem to be. There's no easy answer, but for sure taking the bucket to an empty well will always result in disappointment.

Wishing you peace and good luck!

[DaisyGirl77]

Hey, Mindmaze!  I've been where you are.  You, at this point, have 2 options:  Accept the status quo (talking about family matters are off limits), or go NC with this sibling as well due to the repeated wounding you experience with each contact.  I suspect your sibling's been told that they don't want information about them to be passed to you & the silence is her way of respecting their boundary while also keeping in contact with you.  On the other hand, her so-called neutrality is a tacit indication that she's siding with them.

I'm really sorry.  It's devastating, experiencing this loss in surprising ways.  I don't know if you're in therapy, but if you are, keep going.  Keep healing.  Eventually you'll build your found family.

[Mindmaze]

There's no easy answer, but for sure taking the bucket to an empty well will always result in disappointment.

Thanks for your reply. This really hit me. You are right. I need to stop expecting a meaningful connection from my sibling. She is not the person to talk to about my feelings, whether I maintain a relationship with her or not.

[Mindmaze]

On the other hand, her so-called neutrality is a tacit indication that she's siding with them.

Thank you for your reply. I think this is the niggle I have. I can't help feeling that this isn't a situation where neutrality is really possible. I think I probably need to restart therapy and try to work through this.

[amandat816]

wow i can not believe how virtually identical my story is to yours...i just joined here with this being the first post i read all the way through and it felt like something i would have written myself I too am practically estranged from my mother and sister while still being close to my stepdad. My sister had a baby recently where my mom wants to suddenly be mother of the effing year. A STARK difference from thr mother i grew up with. My sister also endured mostly the same yet is in constant contact with her. When i asked how she can do that she literally trold me its she does it so that shell keep paying for all of my nephews stuff..

My mother has never cared for anyone but herself..after i had moved down from northing NJ to the shore i took a much needed break from her...that was two years ago and recently i turned to her cause i felt so lost and was just in a really bad depression however less than a month later she somehow listed her number with my apartments office and when i was late fot rent a few days last month the leasing co CALLED HER. So of course she then texted me with her mean ass insensitive attitutde reprimanding me for being late I AM 36 YEARS OLD. I just lost it lol..

 thats one of my number one worst triggers - the way she speaks to me and how she is constantly making me feel like im a kindergartener - reprimanding me, being super rude and nasty yet will filp the eff out if i gove her even a lil attitude...oh im babbling now lol but i am right there with ya...its really hard and lonely sometimes.  its been seeiming to me that the whole half foot in half foot out is just as bad as before..ugh