Chosen mother figures?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Redshoes mentioned this in another thread and I've been wondering about it. How do you have a chosen mother figure without it being weird? I feel that longing for a mom when I'm around a certain person and I've acknowledged this to her, but of course I can't expect her to fill the void of my mom. She has her own family. But she's been very kind to me and I consider her a friend and intend to keep this relationship. She's around the same age as my mother and just having a friendship with someone of that generation feels like progress for me because I was afraid to before. And yet, I want to keep my fear and shame from still keeping me back and possibly sabotaging a good thing. Have any of you navigated this sort of thing before? Is it possible to approach as an equal adult and yet have some sort of motherly dynamic going on? I'm just not sure. She has shown herself trustworthy I'm just in unfamiliar territory.

For example: Once I mentioned that I needed to do a thing and she responded, "Oh I don't think I could help with that!" I wasn't asking her to and she knew that, but it just put me right back to when my mother just piled on all the shame whenever I so much as obliquely hinted I didn't have my entire life under control. Saying I needed anything whatsoever was met with, "Well don't expect me to help you!" My face betrayed something was up and I was honest and it was fine. But I am afraid admitting a more motherly dynamic in any way will just lead to more of this sort of thing. Is it even okay to want some kind of pseudo-mom? And of course I'm fearing that it IS weird and she drops me. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[xredshoesx]

for the most part, i always looked at how my female friends with kids treated their kids and put that voice in my head vs my biological mother

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - how this developed for me was through a friendship, similar to what you describe, with a woman who is over a decade older than me. In time, we grew closer and I began to trust her as I was able to watch her life and see consistencies and great maturity.

It took time and both of us making room in our lives for each other, she has become what I call a spiritual mother to me and I would trust her with my life. She and her H have become so dear to all of our family.  Though they have strong family ties of their own and responsibilities that come first, they are treasures to me and NOTHING like my parents.

It has been healing and so encouraging, but it has taken small steps at a time.

Maybe there is room for this friendship to grow between you both, or maybe it will be something less than a mother type relationship, but it seems worth considering. At least part of it, for me anyway, was managing my expectations and simply enjoying the time together and, as xredshoesx says, having the opportunity to have a close row seat on the way this friend navigates and communicates. She is a great role model even if we had never grown so close.

[treesgrowslowly]

I would say, it is helpful to think about what characterizes a healthy mother- daughter friendship, when the daughter is an adult. Some of what we reach for (if our own biological mother had a PD), are the missed experiences we didn't get as children.

If we go to someone for those missed childhood experiences now, and we are an adult and so are they, then I think this is where things get sabotaged because we can't do that to ourselves or to that other person. That could sabotage things.

We can look to healthy ways that adult daughters with healthy mothers relate to one another. The respect they have for each other's autonomy. The clear communication they have with one another. Healthy mothers of adult daughters have some common stuff- they show respect for their adult daughter, they respect her time and energy, and they offer her support.

I think it is possible for women friends to be close, and not end up in a parent-child (i.e. little kid) dynamic, but to maybe have an adult-parent to adult-child dynamic?. Like Bloomie said, it's probably good if it builds slowly over time.

I hope for the best for your friendship with her.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

I was thinking of something similar to what Trees said. Would it help if you thought of this relationship as one between adult friends instead of a mother-daughter dynamic, despite the age difference? I have a friend who is my mother's age and I have sometimes thought 'what would it be like if my mum was like that?' but I try to treat her as a friend and not a surrogate mum. It might be possible that the motherly dynamic comes from her and not from you, so don't put it all on yourself! When you mentioned that you wanted to do something and she immediately thought she should explain why she couldn't help, this was her initiative, not your expectation. Maybe she feels this motherly urge toward you. But this doesn't mean you can't develop a healthy adult friendship.

[NarcKiddo]

That has not gone well for me. I don't have an overt yearning for a mother figure and the thought of a mother generally fills me with dread. I have tended to keep women at a distance also, because my mother trained me from childhood on that women only compete with one another and are not to be trusted. I've been trying to get past that in my older years.

However I think there must be some level of yearning for a mother figure because I found one some years ago. She was older than my mother and I got to know her as she became an occasional pet sitter. Over the years we became friends and even after the pets died I kept up with her. I finally realised, after YEARS, that in fact she was a narcissist who was only interested in what I could provide in terms of company and support. I started pulling away and she would occasionally hoover me back in. But eventually I cut the rope when I became ill. I met her in the street by chance and told her I had surgery coming up and she made no enquiry afterwards as to how it had gone. No call, no text, nothing.

The other example is rather sad. I got to know another pet owner and she was my mother's age. She started to become like a mother figure to me - but on an adult footing like previous posters have described. One of her daughters had died in early adulthood and although I was in no way replacing the dead daughter I think she felt a mother-daughter dynamic, too. We never discussed it. Just as I started dropping my guard a little and getting closer to her my husband and I went away on vacation and my actual mother came to stay in our house to look after the pets. This friend made contact with my mother just to be kind and show her round the neighbourhood. I don't know if my mother sensed danger or what, but she made it her business to become fast friends with this woman. I immediately backed off and left them to it. I was really sad about it. My mother would make regular visits to my town to visit this other woman and then summon me to the end of the afternoon as an afterthought.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of that generation. Lots of our friends are my parents' age. My husband is a decade older than me so it does not seem weird that we socialise in a higher age bracket. I do think, however, that any mother-daughter dynamic is probably best left un-named and not sought after. If it grows organically, then it does, and that's great. But I would never voice it - bear in mind I am a Brit and we don't voice that sort of stuff at the best of times - so my view may not be helpful.

[DaisyGirl77]

I have tried to find a suitable mom figure in others, but it hasn't gone well for me either.  I came to the conclusion a few years ago that my "picker" is broken & to stop looking for one willing to fill the space.  Here's a brief rundown:

Woman #1 came into my life when I was around 21 (things were rocky but salvageable with my uNM at the time & was not looking for anything) & immediately declared herself a mom to me when we had no connection (other than what was in her mind).  Had a brief showdown in front of our job after work (we were in uniform!) one day over her overbearing behavior.  I moved on in my career & never kept in touch.  Eventually returned & found she was still there.  She started the same stuff, I ignored, & tracked me down to a different job 3-4 years after that specifically to find me.  I blocked her everywhere after that.

Woman #2:  We met on my eventual return to the above job with Woman1.  We struck up a friendship that developed organically & loved each other as parent/child, so much so that we had specific nicknames for each other that indicated this relationship.  I went NC with uNM 2-3 years after this friendship developed; she was a fantastic support during that time.  She eventually was diagnosed bipolar & went off the rails.  I began feeling more like her caretaker than her friend & her behaviors became increasingly toxic so I had to end the friendship after about 9 years.

Woman #3:  Immediately offered to be my mom once she learned I was NC with my own mother.  I refused.  Luckily for me, I'd learned by this time that anyone who did this was a red flag.  My friendship with her daughter dissolved because we each turned into our respective parents (re: behavior we found toxic), & her true colors revealed themselves as she herself was also toxic.

This is why my red flag is when someone says they want to be my mother.  They turn out to be unsafe people.  I would be guarded in your search & look toward those who give you the warm feelings of mothering without them immediately offering to be that for you.

[Rebel13]

Luckily for me, I'd learned by this time that anyone who did this was a red flag. 

Yes, me too DaisyGirl. When I was younger, "mother" was such a dirty word ("family" too) due to my mother's (parents') bad behavior, I wasn't looking to recreate those relationships. I have had lots of good relationships with women, and a few with men, and I notice when something reminds me of good things/good times with my parents, but I prefer to leave it unspoken and hold the comfort privately within myself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks for the perspective, everybody! I think we're on good ground here. The friendship has developed organically over time, and never has she offered or sought to be a mother to me, she just IS motherly as a part of who she is. We met through volunteering and we're both just helper sorts, which is a good thing as much as it can be at times used against us or we overdo it! Going to keep staying the course.

[TimetoHeal]

It sounds like you're on the right track, CMC!  I'm glad you found a friend who you share values and interests with!

I think there's no need to force these relationships into a "mold" or put a label on them. And like others have related, sometimes those chosen mother/daughter relationships end up not being so healthy because of what looks like a mother/daughter relationship to us.  I've had a couple of women in my life (one is still in it, but much less close) who are about my mother's age that I used to consider mother figures.  Over time, I found that they actually had a lot of traits of my mother, and it made me wonder how they treat their actual children vs. me (you know how that public persona can be so different).  Now, I have several friends who are older by several years, but not a generation, who are more like "big sisters" than mothers.  I find this dynamic works better for me, because there is no power imbalance, but I get the benefit of their life experience and nurturing personalities. 

[bloomie]

Thanks for the perspective, everybody! I think we're on good ground here. The friendship has developed organically over time, and never has she offered or sought to be a mother to me, she just IS motherly as a part of who she is. We met through volunteering and we're both just helper sorts, which is a good thing as much as it can be at times used against us or we overdo it! Going to keep staying the course.

Love this, Cordelia!