The Drama of Hurt Feelings

[Cenerentola]

The best apology is changed behavior. And rebuilding trust and getting to a good place takes consistent mature, kind behavior. Which means TIME. I notice with pwpd they like to think that an apology or "conversation" will magically restore the relationship to being instantly satisfying to the pwpd again. The slate is clean, it's in the past, we're best friends and all is just hunky dory forever. Maybe the splitting or black and white thinking explains it. I'm not 100% sure if that's your mom's pattern or expectation, but I'm wary of that. You had this big exhausting "discussion" and she's still not happy. Well no kidding! When there are lasting consequences and lack of closeness despite forgiveness, that's not just human nature, the law of sowing and reaping. Of course it's all your fault!

Yup.  This is my mom.  A big conversation with plenty of dramatic back-and-forth and ending in tears all round will solve the problems and we'll be back to constant (one-way) affirmation as usual!

For me understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation has been huge.  I've gone back and forth about the idea of trying to explain that to M.  But I don't think it's something that is easy for pwPDs to grasp: it's very much not black-and-white thinking to say, "Hey, I forgive you, but we need to proceed cautiously here."  My M can do off or on and in between is just not her thing.

[Cenerentola]

I'm still stunned by the belief that airing their oft-repeated grievances and feelings (yet again) somehow fixes things. Okay. Well, lancing a boil does work, but we're also given aftercare instructions on healing and prevention.

That last lancing was what, a month ago, possibly another a month or so before that? They need this *monthly* or everything is all wonky in their world and they can't function?? Aw HELL no! [Here's an interesting exercise for ya: check moon cycles against these episodes. Did they fall around a full moon? So many of md's did, I stopped even questioning it after a while!]

We all have to do our own part, not sit back and wait for others to do it for us. Presumably we're not incapacitated - so it's a choice, that sitting back. Their (anyone's, really) expectations aren't ours to fulfill. They conveniently forget or just fail to acknowledge, we ALL have stuff - bad days, tough times, dark hours, disappointments and heartbreak. AND we have so much of the opposite when we look around!

I will need to check my almanac, lol ...