Mom's finally moving into Assisted Living

[TimetoHeal]

Well, AL or independent living in a retirement home. 

My mother "summoned" me to her house today to tell me she has finally decided she can't stay in her house anymore and is moving to a retirement home that has levels of care.  This is 100% the best thing and the right thing.  I am just in shock how quickly she finally decided to do it.  I guess not quickly exactly, as we have been going around and around about this for at least the past 2 years. 

The crazy thing is she reached out to my brother who lives several states away to arrange all this with her.  I don't know how to feel about this.  Relieved on one hand.  My brother has a much more level head for these kinds of things and is able to be more composed and unemotional with her. But I have been offering to help her for months now, and she has pushed me away except to complain constantly about her ailments.  So, now I feel guilty that he is "having" to do everything.  I also feel guilty because she made the statement that other people she knows move in with their daughters and they take care of them, but she knows I can't do that. 

I'm sorry I'm probably rambling on tonight, but I am exhausted and still trying to process everything.  As recently as a few months ago, she said if we tried to make her move, she would, and I quote, "Fight us tooth and nail".  Now, she and my brother have decided all this in a matter of days.  Again, I am relieved, and she is right, I never had any intention of taking her in to my home and being her caregiver.  I can't for so many reasons.  So why do I feel so guilty, scared, shocked?  I just feel like I haven't done enough.  I am not a good daughter.

Also, I guess part of me thinks she may still change her mind, as she has gotten close to consenting to this before and backed out.  Ugh, this is my brain right now:    Thanks for letting me vent. 

[Rebel13]

Excuse my language, TimetoHeal, but this sounds like one giant mindf*ck! Like she's purposely taken this opportunity as a chance to stab you multiple times and then twist the knife.

I hope you can recognize that the guilt etc. comes from your "training," the neural pathways and emotional responses developed over years of trying to cope with this kind of manipulative, punishing behavior. You haven't done anything wrong. On the contrary, it sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to encourage her to get into a safe living situation for herself, and she has fought you "tooth and nail" about it. As much as you can, please try to talk back to the training/emotional flashback/inner critic/self hater, whatever concept works for you.

Regarding your brother, I also had a lot of guilt for years about how much (I believed) my brother did/does for my parents. When I last visited, I found out he does not, in fact, do all that much. I also had a short conversation with him about it, and he said that he was doing fine and I shouldn't worry about it. Since then, I have taken him at his word. I also told him to please let me know if he needs anything or there is anything I can do. If you felt like it, if you thought it would be helpful, you could try to raise that conversation with your brother, and see what he says. It might be that there is literally nothing for you to feel guilty about. He might be handling it all just fine. Maybe he's glad to give you a break, if you are the local one who's been bearing the brunt of your mom's bad behavior.

I hope you can get some peace. My heart really goes out to you.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Time to heal!
I will be cheeky and will focus on the positive things here: your mum is moving to AL 🥳🥳🥳🥳 and she acknowledged she can't live with you 🥳🥳🥳 and she wants your brother to make the arrangements 🥳🥳🥳 Fabulous! See how I changed the narrative? Of course I understand where your stress and guilt is coming from and I say kick them back and enjoy your new found freedom! Don't succumb to the guilt trip. 'Mum I am glad you finally saw reason' and 'brother, let me know if you need help'. That's all that's needed. The rest is baggage they loaded on you from an early age - put it in the bin!

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you so much, Rebel, and WOBG!

Rebel, I think the strong language applies in situations like this!  LOL.  You are right.  I see it more clearly today after a night's sleep and some more processing.  I like to think my brother is cutting me a break, because we have talked a lot over the past couple of years, and he knows how much I have had to bear emotionally and mentally from her for years and years, while he has lived away since college.  I am grateful to him for that. I admit I was surprised and at first hurt because he didn't call me because we had agreed to keep each other in the loop.  But I will choose to believe he is doing it to spare me. 

WOBG, I like your narrative a lot better!  And the great thing is, it's all true!    I think it's time to celebrate answered prayer and not let the Guilt Monster ruin it for me! 

[Tribe16]

I'm sorry I'm probably rambling on tonight, but I am exhausted and still trying to process everything.  As recently as a few months ago, she said if we tried to make her move, she would, and I quote, "Fight us tooth and nail".  Now, she and my brother have decided all this in a matter of days.  Again, I am relieved, and she is right, I never had any intention of taking her in to my home and being her caregiver.  I can't for so many reasons.  So why do I feel so guilty, scared, shocked?  I just feel like I haven't done enough.  I am not a good daughter.

My heart is sad for you that you feel like you are not a good daughter - but unfortunately you have been calculatedly programmed to feel this way, I think we all have based on our membership on this website. Firstly, good for you that you are firm on your stance of not taking her in. I'm glad for you that she has made the decision to go - try hard not to feel guilty, and offer your brother support if you are comfortable doing that. Rather than go through Mom, ask him if there are any behind the scenes ways you can help or support him in the process. This I what I do with my sister.

I am the oldest - I think I have always been the responsible one - Mom wanted me to be executrix, etc etc which I have talked about previously here. Once I brought up "could my sister and I be co executors?" I did this from a sense of transparancy and fairness and confidence that my sister and I could work well together on this. My mother went ballistic and on and on how my sister has way too much on her plate due to her health problems and basically made me out to be selfish and lazy for suggesting it. Not long after my mother and I were estranged, she had no problem switching over everything to my sister (so much for worrying about her health). I for a short while felt that guilt and shame about "What have I done!?". When I climbed off the ledge, I realized it is better this way, I live far away, my sister is there in town, her health has rebounded. And she knows I will help her with whatever she needs as far as I am able. So far Mother is healthy and no hard decisions have had to be made.

Then this week out of the blue, my mother calls my sister with her signature icyness to tell her she doesn't need to check in anymore, that she's hired some service that checks in on elderly people. She tells my sister, "I know you are so busy, I will be fine." She is so expert at martyring.

My sister is hurt now and wondering what the heck she did - I told her she did nothing wrong. My mother likes to play these little passive aggressive manipulations I believe to test loyalty or whether or not we will chase her and beg to be allowed to serve her. The emotional roller coaster is real.

My advice is to be there for your brother as much as your boundaries will allow and let Mom chart her own course. You don't have to ride in the broken boat with her.

[TimetoHeal]

Tribe,

Oh, my gosh, I relate to everything you just wrote about how your mother goes between you and your sister!  I think she interchanges us between GC and SC constantly depending on who she thinks can or will meet her needs at the time.  In fact, she said she told brother that I could not handle anything else because of my health problems and child with a disability. While this is true, I don't feel like it's the whole picture or that she is really worried about my health.  If she was she wouldn't spend hours and hours belly aching to me about how miserable she is.  Is that not just as bad for a person's health if not worse?  I honestly would rather take a concrete action, as I am able, than to be her personal therapist.

What is more likely is that she has observed my boundaries getting stronger the last few months and felt that I have "dropped the rope".  So, naturally, brother and I have changed roles again.  And she was just complaining to me about brother last week and trying to get me to say he had done something wrong.  I refused to take part in the triangulation, which frustrated her. 

I intend to reach out to brother soon, but for now, I actually feel like I need to take a step back and let him do as much as he is willing and able to do.  Things seem to move along faster when I am not involved.  And, I need a break. 

[TimetoHeal]

Well, now she IS finally moving into assisted living.  It only took her going to the psych ward to get her there. She is being discharged tomorrow straight to AL.  It is a blessing they are taking her so quickly.  Brother had to go back to where he lives, but he got all the balls in motion yesterday.  I just have to pick her up and take her there tomorrow. 

I visited her today, and she seems back to her baseline unhappy, complaining self.  I almost left before the hour is up and they kick you out. 

Now to move her furniture, clean out all her crap, and sell that house.  My brother has people lined up to help pack and do an estate sale eventually.  Thank God. 

I am so tired.  I knew this was coming, but didn't think it was going to have such a traumatic roundabout way of happening.  Anyway, at least there was someone willing to take her, cause I sure wasn't! 

Oh, and by the way, neither my brother nor I saw a single bug the whole time at her house, and my brother even slept there.  Sigh...

[walking on broken glass]

Anyway, at least there was someone willing to take her, cause I sure wasn't!

Exactly, Time to heal! Focus on that. Someone else will bear responsibility for her. I know there's a lot to do in practical terms and a lot to feel but the difficult part of trying to figure out where your mom will go and what's the best for her is over!

[doglady]

What great news,TtH!

Your mother going into assisted living is the best thing that could happen for her, you and your brother.

And by the way, of course you are not a bad daughter. That's just the early training kicking in, as Tribe16 says.

You are a wonderful caring daughter - however, for some of these elderly PDs, nothing, literally nothing, is ever good enough. And the bar is impossible to jump no matter what we do. Ergo, we feel like we haven't done enough, and are therefore deficient, bad, etc.

But you have actually done more than enough, and gone above and beyond, to help your mother. I sincerely I hope that you will be able to take some much needed time for yourself now.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you, WOBG and doglady!

WOBG, that's right the biggest hurdles are over I think.  My worst fears were that the psych ward was not going to release her without a legal battle and that AL would not take her because of the psych ward stay.  So, I can cross those worries off my list!

Doglady,
Thank you so much for the kind words.  I know you are so right about the programming we receive.  This incident has convinced me that I need to get back in therapy and STAY THERE, for a good while, probably.  It's just been such a challenge to find a good therapist.
I know I will rest easy after I drop her off at the AL today.  There will still be practical stuff to manage, but it will be at a more leisurely pace, hopefully.  And I plan to NEVER sit in her room and listen to her moan and complain for an hour or more like what I have been doing. I will come take her to the dining hall and eat with her or bring her a milkshake, and have a nice short pleasant visit, and get the hell out of dodge!  Woo hoo!

Please say a little prayer or send good thoughts or vibes for today.  My stomach is torn up.  There was a stomach bug going around at the hospital I obviously picked up.  And it's that time of the month now!    The ride in the car with my mom is sure to be wonderful (sarcasm).  But then it will be over!!   

[NarcKiddo]

Good luck for today. I hope the trip goes as smoothly as it can.

I don't believe for one minute you are a bad daughter.

[TimetoHeal]

Hugs, NarcKiddo.     Thank you!

[walking on broken glass]

Good luck, time to heal! Such bad timing for the stomach bug and the period ugh

[TimetoHeal]

Good grief.  So, now it's going to be tomorrow because they did not get her meds yet.  But I completely understand they do not want her coming there without her meds, having another episode, and having to call and send her right back to the hospital.  Hopefully, my brother will not have a come apart about this. 

Anyway, let me sing my tune, "It's outta my hands...!"

[TimetoHeal]

Good luck, time to heal! Such bad timing for the stomach bug and the period ugh

I know!  Hopefully the extra day (see my last reply) will give me a chance to feel better!   

[walking on broken glass]

Oops we posted at the same time! Well that gives you one more day to recover!

[wisingup]

I just feel like I haven't done enough.  I am not a good daughter.

TTH - feel free to join the Bad Daughters Club  - we have snacks!  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=93611.0

Seriously though - many of us want nothing more than to be good, cherished daughters to our mothers but sadly we have mothers where that simply isn't possible.