Bad Daughters Club

[wisingup]

 I just re-read this thread started by Sneezy from a few months ago  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=92504.0 and there's a lot of good discussion here! 

Is the Bad Daughters Club still taking applications?  I have a long list of qualifications, according to my uBPDm, but maybe there's more to learn! 

[Sneezy]

Welcome to the club!  No need to apply.  You can self-register 

It's good that we can sometimes laugh at all this.  And it certainly helps that there are others out there who we can commiserate with.  Have you ever just, out of the blue, unexpectedly bonded with another "bad daughter" (or son?).  I had an acquaintance invite me out to lunch a year ago, and over lunch she said a couple things about her mom and before you know it, we both realized we were dealing with so many of the same issues.  It helps to know that others are going through it, too.

One of my life goals is to make sure that my kids never feel the need to join the bad daughters club.  I just don't want to make others miserable as I age.  Let's hope I can attain that goal!

Cheers and happy Friday to all!

[wisingup]

One of my life goals is to make sure that my kids never feel the need to join the bad daughters club.  I just don't want to make others miserable as I age.  Let's hope I can attain that goal!

Agreed Sneezy!  This is something I keep uppermost in my mind.

I have not had the experience of meeting someone in person who has a similar relationship with their mother.  In fact, I am often a little sad & envious when I see what other people have with their parents.  At least I ended up with an amazing MIL - I can count my blessings there.

[Cat of the Canals]

The door is always open, and we have snacks! 

[Leonor]

Hi, can I join?

I'm from an affiliate chapter, The Lost Daughters.

It's pronounced like this:

"Wedontknowhowithappenedweusedtobesoclosebutthenshemarriedaforeignerandstartedseeingsomerecoveredmemorytherapistandnowshesa

(big dramatic sigh here)

Loooost dauuughter

(slightly less big dramatic sigh.)"

[wisingup]

Welcome Leonor - I hear there are snacks!!   

[wisingup]

I remember a thread from a few months ago that made mention of "Everyone Else's Daughter."  EED is the mythical daughter who is perfect in every way & meets her mother's every need.  EED takes her mom on lavish vacations, sends flowers regularly, hosts big to-do's for Mother's Day, and serves as mom's BFF.  EED is dutiful and respectful of her mother's status.  Her tastes and opinions are always in sync with her mom.  She is never overweight & her home is spotless.  She brings her perfectly-behaved children to visit every weekend.  EED will certainly take mom in to live with her when the time comes & will personally care for her throughout her old age.

I guess the EED club would be our rival club - except that we would show up to a match & find that there are no actual members!  Or if there are, they are tired and nervous-looking and keep glancing longingly over at the BDC & wondering how to change their allegiance.

[feenix]

I'm the family scapegoat, so I definitely belong here 

[wisingup]

Welcome feenix!!  We're happy to have you.

[moglow]

I'm not sure there's an application process, rather one appears to be assigned a legacy membership. For some of us that happens earlier than others, even if we're not entirely aware of it at the time. So yeah, another BD checking in here!

My question for my sisters - what if anything are you willing/able to do for the big motherly celebration looming on the horizon? Cards are - dear Lord have mercy - a non starter. There's nothing remotely generic enough, no simple recognition of the day. Thanks for all you do? You've brought so much joy? If only there were more like you? I'm so proud ...??? Y'all. Just no. By the same token I'm not where I'm comfortable just disregarding altogether - that speaks of ME, not her. I found an alternative that today, right now, feels okay - sending a small plant with "thinking of you today" card insert. Simple, to the point, no lie, no mush.

[SunnyMeadow]

I like it moglow. Mother's Day was a tough day for me and for so many of us. Your "thinking of you" idea is a good one because like you said....the card selection is over the top ridiculous for a PD mother.

[Andeza]

Before I went NC (does that mean I get to join the club?) I only sent blank inside cards. Happy Whatever on the front, Love you! with signatures on the inside. Nothing else was right or honest or anything.

[wisingup]

I found an alternative that today, right now, feels okay - sending a small plant with "thinking of you today" card insert. Simple, to the point, no lie, no mush.

Moglow - I absolutely love this.  We don't have to mention the subtext to "Thinking of You" - which would be "letting you live rent-free in my head, constantly ruminating on our interactions, having flashbacks on my childhood traumas".  Lol - "Thinking of you" covers all of that.

For the past few years, I've ordered flowers with a simple message of "Happy Birthday from wisingup" so pretty similar to your strategy.  I guess I'll just do that this year to avoid rocking the boat.  This is what will give me the least stress. 

ETA - my mom's birthday is conveniently in mid-May.  I just ignore MD.  She is bitterly angry about this & brings it up when we argue, but it's already been established as my habit for at least a decade.  No changes there.

[wisingup]

Andeza - welcome to the club! 

[moglow]

It's pronounced like this:

"Wedontknowhowithappenedweusedtobesoclosebutthenshemarriedaforeignerandstartedseeingsomerecoveredmemorytherapistandnowshesa

(big dramatic sigh here)

Loooost dauuughter

(slightly less big dramatic sigh.)"

I just read through the pronunciation. Schnorted and spewed sweet tea across my keyboard. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't do cards, flowers, or gifts for Mother's Day. I call and say an obligatory, "Happy Mother's Day." Ask if she's doing anything special (if she was the type to lay a guilt trip re: me not being there to take her to brunch or something I absolutely Would Not ask this.). Not sure why she's never insisted we make a big deal out of it, but she does like to think of herself as being as radical/rebellious/nonconformist, so maybe that's it. Mother's Day is a bit "twee" and "domestic" and insisting on something special might border on "anti-feminist" in her mind, I guess.  Not that she'd fight us if we wanted to make a big stink over her, of course.

H is the same with his mom. I think there were years he didn't even call. (I know there were years he didn't acknowledge her birthday, which scandalized me because I was still a people pleaser desperately trying to get my Good Daughter trophy at the time.) MIL does waif a bit when the opportunity presents itself. Did some fake crying last year because H's cousin called and said he "knows it's hard." This in relation to the death of H's brother, a tragedy that happened to her and only her, as far as she's concerned. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Amusing MD-related anecdote:

My mom was close with her aunt and cousins on her mother's side, and we spent most holidays at my great aunt's house even when we were kids. Part of the family lore is the time my great aunt was demanding that her son (let's call him "J"), call his grandmother to wish her a happy MD. J was a teen at the time and argued that since grandma was NOT his mother, he shouldn't have to call. The argument got pretty heated and continued until J finally told his mother, "Yeah well, happy Mother's Day, sh!thead."

So one year I found a really cheesy 1950s image of a mom opening a card from her daughter, pasted "Happy MD, sh!thead" on it, and sent it to her. And I got away with it, because it's a family "inside joke." 

[moglow]

Cat'o, that reminds me of one of ours - years ago md was invited to brother's for a birthday lunch. We'd invited a couple "outsiders" knowing she'd behave with others around. As we're singing Happy Birthday, big bro sung loud and proud over everyone "happy BIRTHday MOMMIE DEAREST ..." while she beamed, took it as a huge compliment. We were in stitches!! To this day I'm not sure she made the connection to mommie dearest of Joan Crawford fame and it still makes me laugh!

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm going to remember that one if I'm ever in the position of singing happy birthday to my Mommie Dearest again. 

[Aingeal]

Do you need a mascot for the club?  I'm officially a black sheep in my family 😎 Although I don't know if that's a promotion or demotion from being a scapegoat ....
I usually browse the "for anyone" section of the Hallmark cards for Mother's Day.  Ya know - the neutral sentiment card that says enjoy your day or something like that. (You're one in a million- lol no $#it) I drop off a card, spend a little time with narc momster and after - with all of my energy drained from that visit I settle in to watch a movie at home.... This year's selection is Walt Disney's "Tangled" ..... Rapunzel's mother reminds me of someone..........