How to let go of the insane guilt

[Sneezy]

I am a pretty logical person, but I can't seem to logic myself out of feeling guilty.  On Saturday, I picked my mom up and we had lunch at her favorite restaurant and then we spent the rest of the afternoon at a women's event at church.  On Sunday, we had plans to go to church, get lunch again, and then watch a movie at my house.  But something happened - I'm not sure what.  Mom got in one of her anxious, crazy rants.  She called me early Sunday (while I was still in bed) with some bizarre story about hearing three mice (she was very specific that there were three of them) fighting in her ceiling and she was terrified that mice were going to start raining down through her bathroom vent.  In fairness to mom, her bathroom vent does need to be fixed and I have called maintenance several times on her behalf to get it fixed.  But mom kept getting crazier and crazier.  She called down to the front desk and eventually a manager get called in (on a Sunday) to deal with her.

By the time I got to mom's apartment later Sunday morning, she was off the mice story and now just refusing to get dressed and ranting at me.  Everything was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with her and I don't take her shopping (familiar rants).  I tried to get her to get dressed and eat something, but she refused.  I finally just came back home.

And guess what?  Today, it is all my fault.  Mom claims that if I would just spend an hour with her now and then, she would be fine.  And my logical self says ok, but I spent four hours with her on Saturday and had planned to spend another 4-6 hours with her on Sunday.  So I was doing exactly what she is now accusing me of not doing.  She even claims I wouldn't give her time to get dressed, when I was actually pleading with her to get dressed and I would take her out.

My head is spinning and I feel guilty!  Why?  How in the world am I feeling guilt?  It makes absolutely no sense.  But I feel like I've been falsely accused of something and it must somehow be my fault.  I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did something wrong.  But I didn't.  I did exactly what Mom wanted.  How does she turn these things around?

[Fiasco]

Sneezy I can't help you with the guilt, it's one of the hardest things to deal with no matter how strongly we know it's unfounded. However I will suggest she may need to go to urgent care ASAP to be tested for a UTI. They go from zero to sixty in the elderly and cause delusions, tantrums, you name it. I'm sorry to dump what may be a valid concern in your lap, trying to tease out legitimate issues from the lifelong irrational is maddening. I'm in that boat as well.

[wisingup]

Sneezy I'm so sorry - you were trying to do a nice thing & it blew up in your face.  There is nothing you could have done to prevent her reaction - that came from whatever is going on with her - but it is so upsetting to be the target of these explosions.  I struggle with massive guilt over my uBPDm too, even as the people who understand the situation best (DH & my brother) tell me I have no reason to.  She made me into a pleaser, and now I have to be a b*** to keep her from emotionally/financially abusing me.  And then I beat myself up for being "mean" which really just means not giving in to her every demand or complaint. 

What is a good term for abusing someone's time and good will?  It is emotional abuse, but in a specific way.  That sounds like what is going on here.  And she is willfully blind to the effect she's having on your quality of life, so that she can get her needs met by you.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sneezy!



That 100% sucks. Here you are going above and beyond and you get kicked in the teeth for your efforts. I'd try to remember a couple of things:

a) you feel guilty because you've been gaslighted (gaslit?) your entire life into somehow believing you're responsible for her emotional state. (Hint: you are not!)  I just saw a video where a psychologist described growing up with a PD parent as one long episode of gaslighting. It's a hard wired response at this point. You might want to think about having some EMDR therapy. I haven't done it myself but I've heard fantastic things about it.

b) Your mother had a feeling she didn't like having (anxiety/frustration/whatever) and because people with PDs don't process or take responsibility for their emotions, she immediately decided to dump it all over you and then blame you for it. Not only was this not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to avoid it. The point was to dump all her negative emotions on you, and I guarantee she felt better immediately after she did it. She felt better by making you miserable. Does that make you angry? Because it makes me very angry for you. Anger is a useful tool against unwarranted guilt, by the way.

Many more hugs!

[Sneezy]

Sneezy I can't help you with the guilt, it's one of the hardest things to deal with no matter how strongly we know it's unfounded. However I will suggest she may need to go to urgent care ASAP to be tested for a UTI. They go from zero to sixty in the elderly and cause delusions, tantrums, you name it. I'm sorry to dump what may be a valid concern in your lap, trying to tease out legitimate issues from the lifelong irrational is maddening. I'm in that boat as well.

This is very good advice.  I know mom will not go to get a UTI test no matter how much I try to get her to go.  But I can call her doctor's office and request that they check her for a UTI from now on at every visit.  And also, if (when) things go badly and mom ends up in the hospital (either from a fall or because she is acting so outside the norm that someone calls 911 thinking she is having a stroke), then I will make sure she gets tested for a UTI.  At this point, I'm almost hoping things get crazy enough that someone at her senior living complex calls 911 and mom ends up in the hospital.  At that point, I can also request a full cognitive exam, psych consult, UTI test, etc.

[Sneezy]

I struggle with massive guilt over my uBPDm too, even as the people who understand the situation best (DH & my brother) tell me I have no reason to.  She made me into a pleaser, and now I have to be a b*** to keep her from emotionally/financially abusing me.  And then I beat myself up for being "mean" which really just means not giving in to her every demand or complaint. 

You have just described my situation to a tee.  My siblings are even telling me to block mom on my phone and be done with her.  None of them want to deal with her either.  She is in a safe senior living facility (independent senior living), with three meals a day and transportation provided to doctor visits, grocery store, etc.  I need to let go for a while and take care of myself.  My DH, my sibs, even my kids are telling me this.  It's time.

[Sneezy]

You might want to think about having some EMDR therapy. I haven't done it myself but I've heard fantastic things about it.

Does that make you angry? Because it makes me very angry for you. Anger is a useful tool against unwarranted guilt, by the way.

Someone else recommended EMDR therapy to me yesterday.  Maybe it's a sign and I need to check into this!

Yes, I'm angry.  Not ranting and yelling angry.  Rather, I'm stunned by the injustice.  How dare she accuse me of not doing exactly what I'm trying to do (i.e. get her dressed and out for a bit).  You are right - she had bad feelings she had to dump somewhere and she thinks of me as her personal dumping ground for all her bad feelings.  This must stop! 

[Andeza]

EMDR keeps popping up on my radar too. I recently saw an online therapist recommend it to the child of a BPD woman. He said it was probably the best tool for handling the trauma of her childhood.

Sneezy, you're definitely putting yourself out there for her, and she keeps beating you down for it. There's no gratitude for your efforts and she seems to forget every good turn as soon as, if not before, you take her home again. I'm sorry that she's not aging with dignity.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Sneezy,

So sorry you are wrestling with guilt.  If you have not yet, i want to recommend the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist' by Fjelstad. 

I have not read your backstory and the PD people(s) in your life, but this book provided many a-ha moments to me about myself.  Probably the best book I have read on understanding the relationship dynamic. 

At the time of my reading, I had learned a fair amount about specific personality disorders in general, and well knew my own PD people and their traits.  But I understood little about myself and why I was a prime candidate for attracting PD people. I also learned how I contributed to the longevity of my own suffering. 

I hope you find some reprieve and very real rest.  Sounds exhausting.  Wishing you the best.

SoT

[moglow]

Sneezy, it may be that her short term memory is limited to nonexistent and she honestly doesn't remember. Be that as it may, that still doesn't make it your responsibility to fix or explain OR take on the abuse and accusations of what she imagines you should be doing. I mean, we ALL have stuff, our own limitations on top of outside stressors and problems and just trying to live a good life.

Me being the hardnosed one today - consider setting yourself a day/afternoon date with her once a week. One. Not Saturday and Sunday or Friday and Saturday, plus 70-eleven phone calls and texts throughout the week. Either/or but not both/all and not every little thing she demands of you. Set some limits and boundaries for yourself and make them stick. Maybe start slow and go from there. I'm saying this knowing you'll probably feel you need to explain. You don't. Whatever you tell her will be just like "but all I want is...!!!" that you just did YESTERDAY. In one ear and out the other and you feel beat up by it all.

Whether or not she remembers isn't really the issue here - it's how it makes you feel and what it's doing to you. You're exhausted, unappreciated and put upon while trying to fill that abyss and I'm betting you have nothing left after all that but venting to get it all out so you can go the next round with her. You said it yourself - she's in a safe place and she's being cared for. I'm not suggesting you shirk whatever responsibility you feel for her care, but you're one person and you don't have to ask how high every time she says jump.

Think of yourself, your husb, your family and community. Think of what you can do for the world around you if you learn to give yourself a break from her demands. Just because she says it doesn't make it so, honey. I know this is all much easier said than done, but you really don't have to ask her permission or explain it all to her or anyone else. You first have an obligation to yourself.

[lkdrymom]

The business side of me says keep a calendar of all visits to her with the time you spent so you have a reference. 

Moglow is also right that setting a regular day and time to visit would be good....and keep it to just one day a week. Because the more you do, the more they want and demand.   When my father moved from a one bedroom to a studio apartment in his AL, I had to come a couple days in a row to help with the move. And he assumed I would be visiting a couple days a week from now on.  He knew I worked but that part didn't factor into his demands.

[Sneezy]

Thank you all for the great advice, and just for listening.  It means a lot.  SonofThunder - I have ordered the book you recommended and am looking forward to reading it.

For the time being, I don't want to see or talk to mom.  She will be fine for a couple weeks.  And if anything bad happens, her senior living place will give me a call.  Too bad all this finally came to a head right before the holidays.  I'll have to figure out how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But I'll figure that out when I have to.

I realize that I am luckier than many people.  As soon as my siblings got wind of what was going on one brother blocked mom on his phone, another brother texted me that if mom won't get psychological help there's nothing any of us can do, and my sister gave mom a lecture about how to call maintenance rather than her children when she has a problem.  Their reactions are all so different, but at least we all realize (as much as we can realize) what we are dealing with.

[moglow]

Sneezy, do what feels right for you. From my perspective, we don't put it down or heal while in constant contact with the insanity of it all. I'm not saying you need no contact, but perhaps a lessening of contact and some FIRM boundaries for yourself and you'll ease off some. We weren't allowed that, were likely taught that boundaries were a bad thing and some kind of punishment. No Ma'am! There has to be some separation between us and others - ALL others - or we lose ourselves. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Search for your own special gray area where you find peace. It's there.

[Psuedonym]

I am proud of you, Sneezy! It is a huge step for you to say I DON'T WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO MOM and follow through with what's best for you and actually putting your needs first for once. I've always felt for you because our situations and parents seemed so similar. I read your post a while ago about her getting a medication from her doctor that she'd had before and then calling you whining about how she was concerned about the side effects and I just rolled my eyes because it was sooooo familiar. You can try and try to get them to be happy and get off your back with the endless misery and eventually you come to the conclusion that actually making you miserable is what makes them feel better. And they only get worse as they get older, as I know you've experienced. BTW, my uPDm (aka Negatron) lived to be 90 and had ZERO cognitive decline. She had an amazingly selective memory and at one point we thought she might end up in the psych ward when she threw an epic weeks long tantrum (aka The Protest That Failed) but once she gave up on that she was back to her version of 'normal'.

I don't know if you watch Les Carter's videos much but I've found him to be profoundly comforting and reassuring. This one is fantastic and appropriate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx0eAk5C2_w

Keep posting!

[SonofThunder]

Thank you all for the great advice, and just for listening.  It means a lot.  SonofThunder - I have ordered the book you recommended and am looking forward to reading it.

For the time being, I don't want to see or talk to mom.  She will be fine for a couple weeks.  And if anything bad happens, her senior living place will give me a call.  Too bad all this finally came to a head right before the holidays.  I'll have to figure out how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But I'll figure that out when I have to.

I realize that I am luckier than many people.  As soon as my siblings got wind of what was going on one brother blocked mom on his phone, another brother texted me that if mom won't get psychological help there's nothing any of us can do, and my sister gave mom a lecture about how to call maintenance rather than her children when she has a problem.  Their reactions are all so different, but at least we all realize (as much as we can realize) what we are dealing with.

  I hope you have many a-ha moments about your past and about yourself, which may possibly aid you in the present and future

SoT

[Sneezy]

I am proud of you, Sneezy! It is a huge step for you to say I DON'T WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO MOM and follow through with what's best for you and actually putting your needs first for once. I've always felt for you because our situations and parents seemed so similar. I read your post a while ago about her getting a medication from her doctor that she'd had before and then calling you whining about how she was concerned about the side effects and I just rolled my eyes because it was sooooo familiar. You can try and try to get them to be happy and get off your back with the endless misery and eventually you come to the conclusion that actually making you miserable is what makes them feel better. And they only get worse as they get older, as I know you've experienced. BTW, my uPDm (aka Negatron) lived to be 90 and had ZERO cognitive decline. She had an amazingly selective memory and at one point we thought she might end up in the psych ward when she threw an epic weeks long tantrum (aka The Protest That Failed) but once she gave up on that she was back to her version of 'normal'.

I don't know if you watch Les Carter's videos much but I've found him to be profoundly comforting and reassuring. This one is fantastic and appropriate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx0eAk5C2_w

Keep posting!

Thanks Psuedonym - it's nice to hear from you    Yeah, our moms sure seemed to be two peas in a pod, didn't they?  I truly don't understand how making others miserable, especially their daughters, made them feel better.  I guess it is just one of those things I will never comprehend.

I called my mom around lunchtime on Monday and told her that I could no longer be her caretaker.  I just can't do it any longer.  I don't know if that means NC or VVVLC or what.  I'll figure that out as I go along.  But mom moved near me four years ago, and as far as I'm concerned this has been a four-year experiment that has failed.  I can't give mom what she wants and I refuse to take on her misery any longer.

What's interesting is that I haven't heard from mom in 48 hours.  This is a huge amount of time for her to go without calling.  By now, I should have received several angry phone calls and/or lots of love-bombing.  But nothing.  I wonder if mom has decided to go NC with me?  That would solve so many problems, but it's probably too much to hope for.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Sneezy,

You wrote:

"I wonder if mom has decided to go NC with me?  That would solve so many problems, but it's probably too much to hope for."

My sound-minded, yet elderly uPDf dances around the drama triangle 🔺 and would never understand the concept of boundaries (in this case my self protective NC) so I do not bother stating my objectives to him, as it provides him a clear roadmap to try and thwart my goals.  He fully understands the concept of his punishment of others for non-compliance, and for him, he believes that his own silence is form of 🔺persecution-punishment, while he covertly attempts to smear my colors by using the paint of his 🔺victimhood, to those in his life and/or our extended family. 

While I very much enjoy my ability to NC myself through technology blocks and physical distance, I also have to accept that my reputation has already been developed over decades and therefore not injured by a PD's short-term smear campaign to achieve their facade feelings of power, control and community sympathy for being mistreated by their loved-one.

I will relax in knowing my self-protective boundaries are truthfully just for me, but that the PD's in my life will never understand anything other than punishment and victimhood.  I will not attempt to teach a PD.  It is what it is....

Enjoy your silence,

SoT

[Sneezy]

I will relax in knowing my self-protective boundaries are truthfully just for me, but that the PD's in my life will never understand anything other than punishment and victimhood.  I will not attempt to teach a PD.  It is what it is....

Enjoy your silence

SoT - For now, I am really enjoying the silence.  I don't expect it to last, but who knows.  My mom has some pretty severe physical problems - she can hardly walk, but often refuses to use a walker or even a cane.  The main reason I thought it was a good idea for her to move near me is because five years ago she fell and ended up in rehab for a month.  She has had a couple falls since moving, but has been extremely lucky so far (falling into very soft grass once and onto a thick carpet another time).  It's only a matter of time before she falls and gets injured and I will be the one to get her moved into assisted living (versus independent living where she is now).  Although I guess I shouldn't try to predict anything when it comes to my mom.  For all I know, she is in the process of eloping with her 90-year old boyfriend and I will be the last to hear about it.  For his sake, I hope not, but honestly, nothing would surprise me anymore.

[Iamenoughmary]

Sneezy, nothing is ever enough for them. That old blame game, never stops. I have seen through my experience with my N mother that daughters get the worst of it.   Brothers get off the hook.  I'm glad your siblings stood by you. My brothers have been so conditioned that they seem to bow to mothers wishes or go out of their way to pacify her.  I'm glad you have stepped back and set boundaries.  The guilt is horrible. I'm sure it's hung over you. It has for me.  None of us dealing with this type mother should have to go through it.  I have finally learned there is not one thing on Gods green earth that will please them. We lose a bit of ourselves trying. Cheers to you for standing ground!

[Cat of the Canals]

Continue enjoying your Silent Treat for as long as it lasts, I say! Heaven knows you deserve it.