How to let go of the insane guilt

[Sneezy]

Continue enjoying your Silent Treat for as long as it lasts, I say! Heaven knows you deserve it.

Unfortunately, the silent treatment ended pretty quickly.  I even told mom that I need a little break, some down time.  But she doesn't care.  She is back to her old self and acting like the whole incident a week and a half ago never happened.  I told her I needed a break from all the drama and that I needed to scale back our time together for a while, and she sounded completely mystified.  Like "what drama?"  She claims it's the one and only time she got a little worked up and I should understand.  I tried reminding her of other similar incidents and she acts like I'm making these things up.  I tried telling her that all her drama was hurting my mental health and her only response is that she needs me to support her and be there for her.  My mental health doesn't even register with her.

Yesterday evening she called and left a message demanding that I call her back because she neeeeeeds me to come and fix some minor thing in her apartment.  I called her back (in anger, which I probably shouldn't have done) and told her she needed to have the apartment maintenance guys handle it.  And then I went to bed and didn't fall asleep until 4 a.m.  DH says he is worried that my mom is hurting both my physical and mental health.

I feel like things are coming to a head, but I don't know how it's all going to turn out.  I've been really cranking through my end of the year work projects and starting to look forward to the holidays, but I'm afraid mom will ruin everything.  I think I may be getting to the point where I just have to accept that my mom (and probably some of her friends and even some of my relatives) will think that I am a bad daughter and don't do enough for my mom.  And I will just have to accept that and move on.  Maybe even embrace it and enjoy being the irresponsible daughter for a change? 

[Cat of the Canals]

*sigh* So much for that, then. (My mother is the QUEEN of silent treatment followed by pretending as if it never happened. Infuriating.

I think I may be getting to the point where I just have to accept that my mom (and probably some of her friends and even some of my relatives) will think that I am a bad daughter and don't do enough for my mom.  And I will just have to accept that and move on.  Maybe even embrace it and enjoy being the irresponsible daughter for a change?

Yes! Come join the Bad Daughters Club! We dgaf and are immune to guilt trips. We dismiss flying monkeys with the flick of our finger and a chuckle. We are Sorry To Hear That but There Is Nothing We Can Do.

[moglow]

(My mother is the QUEEN of silent treatment followed by pretending as if it never happened. Infuriating. ...
Come join the Bad Daughters Club! We dgaf and are immune to guilt trips. We dismiss flying monkeys with the flick of our finger and a chuckle. We are Sorry To Hear That but There Is Nothing We Can Do.

Another charter member here, worshiping at your feet!! 

The silent treat followed by mindsweep is stunning, isn't it? But just last week you were saying ... but I thought you ... And didn't you say ... No?? WT actual??? And now I'M supposed to pretend with you? Naw. Imma stay over here, thanks.

[moglow]

Sneezy, BE the bad daughter. Give yourself that break and ask no permission or make apologies. Mute her calls/texts, put phone on DND if necessary. You don't need to do anything at her apt, that's what maintenance staff is for.

[Sneezy]

Yes! Come join the Bad Daughters Club! We dgaf and are immune to guilt trips. We dismiss flying monkeys with the flick of our finger and a chuckle. We are Sorry To Hear That but There Is Nothing We Can Do.

YES!!!  I need to join the Bad Daughters Club.  This sounds like exactly what I need.  Now, off to practice flicking flying monkeys 

Mo - The silent treatment followed by mind sweep - what a perfect description.  Our moms *must* be related   

[moglow]

It's awful, I know. You stay on edge waiting for that other shoe to drop. The instant you let your guard down, there it is. Only it's a new unmatched never before seen shoe... That she tries to force onto you.

I removed my person, feel so much better these days. I ran out of viable options for even vvvvlc. Not at all an easy decision to make or carry but at least the shoes stopped flying.

[Psuedonym]

Hi Sneezy,

Unfortunately I could have predicted that one word for word and looked like a psychic. Negatron was once so nasty to my DH (who is an absolute saint) on the phone that he had to hang up on her. (This was after I had stopped engaging with her altogether). She called back and left him a nasty VM and then there was absolute silence for 3 weeks (a record!). Of course at the end of the 3 weeks she called him up and acted like nothing had happened, and when her past deeds were pointed out to her as the reason for my NC she denied that any of that had happened.

You said:  I think I may be getting to the point where I just have to accept that my mom (and probably some of her friends and even some of my relatives) will think that I am a bad daughter and don't do enough for my mom.

I think this is a very important thing for you to really think on, especially considering the following:

• Your mom already thinks you're a bad daughter and don't do enough for her, at least she does whenever you're not doing exactly what she wants. Those PDs are always black and white thinkers, so you're either all good or all bad at any given moment.
• She most likely is already trashing you to whoever will listen whenever you're not doing exactly what she wants (I know this from personal experience of what friends and relatives related to me

So I would consider the fact that what you fear most is already happening, at least part of the time, and weigh that against the toll this is taking not only on your mental but your physical health. If you need some evidence to back this up, listen to some YouTube videos on the relationship between trauma, stress, and physical illness by Gabor Mate, who is a physician.

All of this is to say is that your health and wellbeing is waaaaaaaay more important than whatever your mom thinks about you or is telling other people. It really comes down to a choice you have to make, because no amount of explaining, begging, threatening, setting consequences or praying is going to make any difference in her behavior. I think a secret hope that we have is that if we actually set boundaries and are brave enough to stick to them, that they will realize we're serious and modify their behavior, take it down a notch, or heck even fake having changed. Trust me, they won't.

[Sneezy]

I think a secret hope that we have is that if we actually set boundaries and are brave enough to stick to them, that they will realize we're serious and modify their behavior, take it down a notch, or heck even fake having changed. Trust me, they won't.

Hi Psuedonym - I think you are right about this.  I think, deep down, I hope that if I set the perfect boundaries and maintain them just right, then my mom will change her behavior and we will finally have the mother-daughter relationship I wish we had.  And that is not going to happen.  If there's one thing my mom has been pretty consistent about it's that it's all about her, always.  I am here to entertain her, coddle her, take care of her, etc., and she will drop me in a hot minute if a better offer comes along (which for most of her life has meant male attention).  I need to accept that and then let it go.

Thank you for your wise words 

[SonofThunder]

If there's one thing my mom has been pretty consistent about it's that it's all about her, always.  I am here to entertain her, coddle her, take care of her, etc., and she will drop me in a hot minute if a better offer comes along (which for most of her life has meant male attention).  I need to accept that and then let it go.

Sneezy,

Fjelstads book may be a dot connector. 😉  Wishing you many a-ha moments ahead.

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

• Your mom already thinks you're a bad daughter and don't do enough for her, at least she does whenever you're not doing exactly what she wants. Those PDs are always black and white thinkers, so you're either all good or all bad at any given moment.
• She most likely is already trashing you to whoever will listen whenever you're not doing exactly what she wants (I know this from personal experience of what friends and relatives related to me

This was precisely what made me decide to embrace being the Bad Daughter. I was hearing the same old-same old about how much MORE she needed from me from random people at family functions, even after I'd doubled down and tried to give more. It was what led me down the PD rabbit hole and what finally made me realize that no matter how much I gave, she would always want more. It would never be enough. Because her "want for more" is endless. It is a black hole with no bottom. It is literally impossible to fill, but she wouldn't bat an eye to watch me kill myself trying.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Unfortunately, the silent treatment ended pretty quickly.  I even told mom that I need a little break, some down time.

Explaining your needs, even at a very high level, is JADE-ing. Ignoring, silent treatment-giving parents very often flip to demanding attention immediately when they sense you pulling away. If you TELL them you are pulling away, you very likely will trigger a panicked fear of abandonment and desire to reassert control. At least that was my disastrous experience at trying to deal with the problem directly and maturely!

[Psuedonym]

Well said! Cat of the Canals, that is exactly what happened to my dad. He died of a really rare form of leukemia (no history of that or really any cancer in the family) that I'm sure materialized from the stress of dealing with her for 50+ years. He had it for over a decade and did she get better? Hell no, she got worse. About 3 weeks after he died we flew to visit relatives in another country...my aunt, who had known her forever, asked me "Is she in shock? She doesn't seem like somebody who just lost her husband." Nope. No shock. Everybody was giving her supply at that point so she was perfectly fine. My DH described her as being like our cats; if we died they'd go live with somebody else and be perfectly happy.

Sneezy, you said: I tried telling her that all her drama was hurting my mental health and her only response is that she needs me to support her and be there for her.  My mental health doesn't even register with her.

Everybody is really just a means to an end to them, the same as overt narcissists. They're just waaaaaaay better at pretending its not happening. By always playing the victim and whining and acting helpless and pathetic all the time, we get gaslit into not seeing it for what it is. As the great Richard Grannon once said, covert narcissists like their supply flavored with pity, which is dead on.

Keep posting, Sneezy! We're here for you!