Mentally Exhausted

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It's a good update. You can walk away from the BS and hang around for the good times. You're making your own choices from a position of autonomy.

It's very good that you don't allow him there. Hold that boundary hard.

We're a little similar, as I have not opted to divorce at this time (the thing that would force me to do so would be him running up debt). My H and I are on good terms overall but it sounds like you interact with yours a lot more often. Mine sometimes texts me on his work break but that's it, has no interest in seeing me.

Anyway, every marriage is unique, and nobody else needs to understand yours.

[MaxedOut]

This right here: "all I know is to focus on me and learn what boundaries for me really look like." You don't owe him continued justification (realizing how much JADEing I did with my ex was eye opening). You have been clear about behaviors and sounds like some improvement there but still blaming you and trying for control (which usually means a person will go back to their old ways if they get the person back in the house).

Now you can "peace out" when he starts up, which is super helpful for boundaries practice and preserving your actual peace.

It is great that you are maintaining your place as off-limits, Deby.

When you started this post in January you titled it "Mentally Exhausted" - how are you feeling in that area now? (Not cohabitating can help a lot.)

And how is your surgery/hip recovery going?

[Deby64]

Maxed out, thanks for asking about my healing journey. The new hip is awesome. I do need to exercise more and I'll get there. The mental exhaustion is so much better in my own place. It's draining at time staying aware of his manipulative tendencies. A pair of lips will say anything and he's saying all the right stuff, yet actions speak louder than words and the actions tell me he's still striving for control.
Square, if he had a taxable income job, maybe he wouldn't contact me as much. His new job is to somewhat stalk me. He shows up at my house some mornings asking for coffee. He knows I'm a creature of habit and make my coffee every morning. I think he does this because in him twisted mind he thinks I have a man over here🤦🏾
I've told him a few times. I'm still married and will not defile my own Spirit engaging in an affair. I've even went out to eat with him a few times. When he starts that " if you would just see the error of your ways, would could be good together" I just MC no jading and get out of the situation.
I'm still struggling with myself on why I'm so addicted to him. I know we have a 42 year long relationship, and he's my comfort zone. My new focus is digging deep within myself to see how I think this relationship is beneficial to me. Part of me thinks it's just to avoid conflict that will come will truly ending it, then there is a part of me that feels sorry for him. Then there the part that says " I love him". So the cognitive dissonance is still here alive and well. The peace of being in my own place is a blessing. He said the other day I'm wasting money by paying the mortgage at our home and rent over her. I told him I could never put a price on my peace. This arrangement is working perfectly well for today. I worry when he begins to struggle to pay his bills what will happen? Oh, well I need to not future trip, for TODAY, all is well.

[Rebel13]

As always, Deby, you sound like you are doing great! Very happy to learn your hip is recovering and you are gaining some peace of mind.

My new focus is digging deep within myself to see how I think this relationship is beneficial to me.

This is such a great question. I'm asking myself a question right now too, about what I get out of minimizing my own good qualities and accomplishments, and only focusing on the "bad" things I do.

I told him I could never put a price on my peace.

I love this.

Oh, well I need to not future trip, for TODAY, all is well.

Isn't that a wonderful relief? That's one of the best things I've learned over the past year. "I don't have to solve that problem right now."

Thank you for the update and glad you are doing so well!

[MaxedOut]

Maxed out, thanks for asking about my healing journey. The new hip is awesome. I do need to exercise more and I'll get there. The mental exhaustion is so much better in my own place...

... His new job is to somewhat stalk me. He shows up at my house some mornings asking for coffee. He knows I'm a creature of habit and make my coffee every morning.

... Oh, well I need to not future trip, for TODAY, all is well.

That's great news on the hip and exhaustion!

For coffee, you know what I did once it was just me? I yard sold the regular size coffee maker and decided between a small carafe unit and a French Press. I went with the French press because I never liked having a coffee maker (I like having everything clean each day so the inner workings of coffee markers are not my fave). But the point was I don't need to make a pot of coffee. I just need one or two servings.

It sounds like you are maybe making a pot still?

It's a small thing to hone in on, but feels like a piece that is serving as a hook for unplanned contact and attempted control. It feels like being able to consent to/plan contact is important for where you are at now?

[Deby64]

Awesome thought MaxedOut, I am making a pot and throwing much of it out in the evening, so yes down sizing is a good ideal. Ugh, he popped by yesterday after I returned from Church and became disgruntled because I didn't invite him in. Attempted to gaslight " Everyone invited in except me and I'm still your husband" my response was I'm sorry you don't understand my boundary. Of course he left mad. Then I found myself second guessing myself and why I won't invite him in. It feels like a game of manipulation and control. I don't want to play🤦🏾. At this point in my life and sort through this relationship. I don't feel the need to invite him in🤷🏾�♀️🤷🏾�♀️ Just want to be sure I'm not picking up his trait to control and this is a power trip for me. 🙏🏾

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I think for me the trick would be to explicitly tie his methods of control to the thought "this is why he can't come in" in my mind. It could short circuit his attempts, so instead of thinking "gosh, maybe I am being ridiculous, who doesn't invite their own husband in," think "good grief, the more he insists and pushes and guilts, the more obvious he makes it why he cannot come in!"

They like us to be thinking long and hard about our behavior and what "we" owe "them." That way we'll stop thinking about their behavior and what they owe us!

[Deby64]

  Awesome insight. I've gotta stay focused on his behavior and stop second guessing myself. His pushing and gaslighting is exactly why he isn't invited in. His lack of acceptance of my boundary even if it doesn't make sense to him. It deserves to be respected. I deserve respect Thanks for the support.

[Rebel13]

think "good grief, the more he insists and pushes and guilts, the more obvious he makes it why he cannot come in!"

Oh my gosh, this is so true. I thought of this the other day in regards to someone I'm not in touch with anymore, and who has been kind of a tool about it. His behavior is confirming that I made the right choice!

[MaxedOut]

You are absolutely right Deby. You do deserve respect. And you deserve to interact with people in ways you want to as long as it is mutuall (as does he). We are not entitled to people's time, access, debate.

To provide the deFOGged perspective Debi, if someone you knew set a boundary that they don't want you in their house... Wouk you even go to their property (unless they asked you to)?

I am guessing no. Respecting boundaries means not pushing on them. Showing up at your house, showing up uninvited, showing up unexpectedly and uninvited are all things non-PDs would generally not do. By doing those he is pushing, pushing, encroaching, then making arguments that seem hard to refute.

But take a step back and think about what you would do, and most would do, to respect a boundary like that.

Whether we thought it was reasonable or not we would respect it just to show we are respectful of boundaries and would not be literally encroaching and pressuring.

It seems reasonably to widen the boundary if access to the property just means he is going to guilt and press you. That means home only kind of feels safe and peaceful if he might show up whenever and pressure you. It sounds like interacting with him at your old house is a mutual thing, likely in part because you control if and when it happens and you can leave when you want.

And so much yes to them proving exactly why we are setting boundaries, carving out our own life/space. My ex leaned in pretty hard to all the abusive and accusatory and guilting things I left over after the split and was certainly even more angry about not being able to subject me to ithose behaviors freely. Like... I left you for this exact thing... and why on earth would I opt for that as a central life feature after leaving?!?

[MaxedOut]

Deby, I hope I didn't sound pressuring! Things are recent enough for me that the thought of my ex popping by whenever then also pressuring, seems like a lot. I split last November. I remember distinctly thinking a couple EOs times that even if things were on  nicer terms how grateful I was to be renting a place she didn't know the location of. That thought would spring up often if there was a loud car or more colorful pedestrian noises from outside. I remember thinking if she did, even if I wasn't worried about the anger or safety, it would mean my hypervigalence continued, that I would have an ear out for noises, etc.

It may be something that, on balance, you prefer having him pop over. Denying him access to you and your space is not control like his demands on your behavior, it is drawing boundaries about what *you* will participate in and allow in your life. That's healthy and totally different. Not a power trip - and if you feel and occasional sense of satisfaction, that's not power tripping, it's just a good feeling from doing right by yourself.

[Deby64]

MaxedOut,
Not a power trip - and if you feel and occasional sense of satisfaction, that's not power tripping, it's just a good feeling from doing right by yourself.
I love this insight. Thanks. Never thought about what the feeling of doing right for my own self would feel like 💜