Venting and Figuring out how to support husband

[Hopeful Spine]

Reformed "People Pleaser" here.  After many years of trial and error and several "come to Jesus" moments I have worked hard to be a mostly confident, authentic, woman with a collection of lovely friends.  I have plenty of good people in my life.  Which is why I find myself so frustrated when dealing with my in laws.

My husband comes from a high functioning, dysfunctional family.  They heavily reply on alcohol and avoidance to get through life.  They are a popular family.  They party hard and people love it.  But everything is a facade.  They handle things badly, get themselves in trouble.  They married good people who handle the necessities of life.

My husband's life was destroyed by alcohol.  Long story short - he's made significant mistakes in his life.  And he has atoned for all of them.  He is sober, successful, and very active in our church and community.  He is well liked for his own merits.  Not his party skills.  It's been a journey but I am happily married to a man I love and am proud of.

His local siblings continue to disregard him and this past weekend seems to be the final hurt.

His brother comes to town for the Easter holiday.  My husband goes to his parents house to welcome him home.  Hubby is expecting to maybe have dinner there or do something fun.  But my husband returns after an hour and tells me the following.

They are catching up and after about 45 minutes BIL looks at his watch and says, "I gotta get going.  We're meeting at the restaurant at 4:30.  Husband says, "who are you meeting?"  He's thinking BIL made plans with friends.  Turns out all the other local siblings are getting together.  My husband was not included on whatever text/invitation was issued so he says, "I didn't know about that."  BIL shrugs and say, "well you know now, so come with us if you want."

I mean . . .  Husband was stunned and only said, "no thanks I'm not really dressed for a night out.  Had I known ahead of time I would have been ready."

BIL shrugs again, "You're dressed fine.  Just come with us.  If not then go home and change.  If that doesn't work we'll probably be back at the house around 8:30 if you want to come back."

Husband said, "no I think I'll just pass."

I mean . . . that's just wrong.  It's dismissive.  Mean.  Hurtful.  Husband was just finished.

The only way my husband knew about the gathering was because he happened to be there at the time of departure.  Clearly this was planned between all of them.  No one cared enough to include me or my husband.  Husband's sister even stopped by the house to drop off some Easter food and she didn't mention it either.

The following day we went to Easter and everyone was behaving as they usually do.  Drinking, talking over each other.  We walk in and even though we walk right up to the table and say, "hi everyone" no one turns with a quick smile or even a nod of acknowledgement.  This is pretty typical in their family but this time - it just felt more awful than usual.  I went to the other room where the women were and they were all on their phones and just looked up and smiled.  Eyes back down to their phones.  I went back to the kitchen and stood by my husband and it felt so awkward.  Just terribly awkward.

We stayed two hours - enough to make his mother happy.  DH also wanted to see his out of town siblings too.  DH thinks they accept him but I privately think they are just as bad.  I was relieved when we left and I didn't press him to talk about any of it.  He didn't say much the rest of the evening.  Today he's nice, and he's joking around with me.  But he's edgy and not himself.

Part of me wants to text his local siblings and ask why we weren't included.  I want to shame them.  The other part of me knows that anything I say or do will be twisted (as it has in the past) into a fault on my part.  They won't understand.  They won't care.  They won't feel even a little guilty.  And it won't change anything in a positive way.

But the messed up thing is - I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway.  So in some ways it's a blessing that I didn't have to spend Saturday night pretending to not be annoyed and offended by how they are. But it still hurts to know that they don't even like us enough to include us in a sibling gathering.  They would have been perfectly fine to enjoy the night without us.

The other messed up part of this is that his sister, who doesn't really like me, recently showed up to a monthly gathering that I plan.  I was nice to her but she mostly ignored me.  Then when she left she gave me money - even though it was a free event and no one pays.  It was very odd.

I am already very minimally involved in his family at this point.  Major holidays and vague pleasantries when I see them.  I'm included on one text chain that is mostly just used for birthday.  I can accept that I'm not valued in this family but what hurts is to see my husband get rejected on a regular basis.

Everything his parents do just annoy me to no end.  His dad is a NARC and an alcoholic who plays favorites.  His mother poses as a sweet little mouse but she's mean and says cutting things.  She pouts often and people in the family usually do enough to keep her happy - which isn't much at all.  She passively allowed my husband to sink to the depths he did.  She allows people to tear down other family members.  She is passive aggressive - all the while pretending she is sweet and holy.

Going NC is probably not on the table.  My husband defends his mother to a fault.  No matter what she says, or how she handles something, he gives an excuse why she was right or justified.  Even when I vent about how she annoys me - he cuts me off to defend her.  She helps him with his business - even to the point of being intrusive.  And he allows it.

We also enjoy our nieces and nephews.  We would be sad to not see them on their milestones.  But honestly - being a bystander in their life isn't really worth it to me when I feel so rejected and dismissed by their parents.

We are faith filled people and we'd like to forgive, give grace, and try to lead by example.  But they really aren't interested in anything we do.  Recently my husband spent 5 days in the hospital after an emergency surgery and they barely showed interest.  We had visits from my family, our friends.  I spent a lot of time in the hospital updating the many people checking in from our church family and various circles.  A stranger who works at the local hardware store even sent me a PM on social media because the staff was worried about him.  But his family - they were focused on a state volleyball championship that a niece was participating in.  All day long the one group chat I'm in kept dinging because they were sharing pics and funny inside jokes.  While my husband was suffering in a hospital bed.

I am baffled by the callousness of this family.  And how they regularly show us they they are great people because they show up for each other - but not us.  My husband is the scapegoat, the black sheep, the one always being blamed.  And I hate it.

Today I've let them get the better of me.  Instead of working I'm indulging myself on my favorite foods and activities.  I'm dealing with my own health issues and feeling stressed about financial matters.  My focus on them is super unhealthy but I can't seem to give grace and move on. 

Is is okay to tell my husband that he can do what he wants but I'm going NC? 

Or is that unforgivably unsupportive?

I know that in a few days I will be fine.  I know that we have good friends and extended family that support and love us.  We have good jobs, a wonderful home.  We have plenty of blessings.  But it's extremely hard to be rejected and then show up to be dismissed, and then leave - knowing that it really didn't matter if you were there or not.  I feel this and they aren't even my FOO.  So I know how much it must hurt my husband.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[Rebel13]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

From another recovering people pleaser, welcome, and I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation.

My husband comes from a high functioning, dysfunctional family.  They heavily reply on alcohol and avoidance to get through life.  They are a popular family.  They party hard and people love it.  But everything is a facade.  They handle things badly, get themselves in trouble. 

...

But it still hurts to know that they don't even like us enough to include us in a sibling gathering.  They would have been perfectly fine to enjoy the night without us.

This is a curious contradiction. At the beginning of your post, you characterize them pretty negatively. I'm not saying this is wrong, or bad, at all -- it may be a very accurate assessment. But why would you care about the opinion of people whose behavior you don't like or respect?

And how they regularly show us they they are great people because they show up for each other - but not us. 

Again, you say "everything is a facade" with them -- so why would you assume that their performance of being "great people" who "show up for each other" is real? I spent a lot of time thinking that my parents and sibling were having happy family times without me, but when I visited a few times in the past few years, I realized that is not the case at all. What I can see or intuit or assume from the outside usually has very little to do with what is actually happening and how my family members are perceiving their relationships with each other.

Is is okay to tell my husband that he can do what he wants but I'm going NC? 

It is absolutely OK. You get to decide what you do and don't do. You might want to look at the article on Boundaries in the Toolbox area of the site. You might also like to do an internet search for "detaching with love" and read some about that. Your husband has to figure out his family relationships on his own. You can't do that for him even if you wanted to.

So in some ways it's a blessing that I didn't have to spend Saturday night pretending to not be annoyed and offended by how they are.

I might lean into this if I were you! I also might read some about radical acceptance.

Good luck with all of this. It is a difficult situation for sure.

[Hopeful Spine]

Thank you Rebel13!  It's good to hear from a former "people pleaser" and to know that there is hope. 

You made some good points and I'm grateful for your thoughts.  In the past I had a feeling that I lacked emotional maturity.  So I try very hard to not mindlessly vent to the collection of people in my life.  Some of them have more serious problems (sick child, intense divorce) and I just don't want to dump on them when I know this is really just a matter of me needing to be stronger.  Thankfully you have pointed out several thinking points for me to consider.

This is a curious contradiction. At the beginning of your post, you characterize them pretty negatively. I'm not saying this is wrong, or bad, at all -- it may be a very accurate assessment. But why would you care about the opinion of people whose behavior you don't like or respect?

I don't really know why I care about their opinion.  We treat everyone kindly.  My husband is sober but has never expressed judgement to anyone in his family for their drinking habits.  My husband and I are usually the ones being left out and it's just hard to see how well they all get along.  If they made an effort to pretend to accept us - it would feel more mutual?  More okay.  Example - You don't like having us around and we privately don't approve of your life choices - cool.  You invite us (to be nice) and we decline politely.  Everyone is happy and when I see them the following day at Easter I can feel . . . equal?  I don't know.  I KNOW this is not healthy thinking.  But there it is.

Because we are the odd ones out it feels specifically personal and unfair.  Maybe the polite invite would at least feel like respect?  Excluding us feels pretty strong rejection and . . . how dare they?  You know?

Again, you say "everything is a facade" with them -- so why would you assume that their performance of being "great people" who "show up for each other" is real?

Because time and again I see them show up and . . . it seems really real.  They vacation together, attend concerts together, support each others children.  I overhear them talking about sharing gardens, sharing soups. They gather late at night around campfires.  Matching t shirts even.  Husband and I are tolerated but not really welcomed at any of these outings.

When the oldest sibling was sick with cancer a gameplan was formed to support his family with care packages and love.  I participated in that with genuine love and compassion and none of it seemed like a facade.  We were all in that together and it all felt genuine.  All of these siblings have friends and many times I've run into them and chatted with them. Their relationships seem real and authentic. Due to social media I see siblings organizing meal trains for their friends, words of encouragement on their friends social media.  Lovely happy pictures.

My husband became sober.  We left the religion that they all pretend to practice.  We have no children and they have tons.  We went to therapy to work on our marriage and we have a very strong bond while their marriages are surface level good.  We own our own business while everyone else is employed somewhere (all very successfully).  We just couldn't be more different from these people and that is okay.  But geez, are we really so different that we can't even be invited to dinner when someone comes to town?

I think my facade comment is more targeted to their spouses.  All the people who married into this family are "normal".  Meaning they come from mostly healthy families and have their own siblings or nice friends.  They bear the weight of childcare and home maintenance.  It all looks great but I know that one sibling sleeps in the basement - 100% of the time because his wife doesn't want him in her bed.  Another sibling keeps alcohol in the garage and my sister-in-law can't stop him from having secret drinks every night.  Another sibling goes out almost every night to watch sports at the bowling and gamble.  My own life was a facade at one point.  So I know that the marriages are not as great as they seem. 

I have been dumped before.  In my process of shedding the people pleaser I have had a few people end friendships with me.  And it hurt, but I knew it was healthy.  It was easier to get over since I never had to see them again.  But this family is large, loud, local and popular.  It feels all kinds of wrong to be treated they way we are and then to have to pretend that everyone is awesome.  And to sit and watch them be awesome with each other. 

I love my life, my marriage, my church family, my own FOO, and my friends.  I don't understand why I let this family control my emotions.  This whole day was pretty much wasted, I'm embarrassed to say.  So I thank you for the reading suggestions.  Detaching with Love and Radical Acceptance seems like topics that will be helpful.  I really hope I can get a better grip on all of this.

[Hopeful Spine]

It is absolutely OK. You get to decide what you do and don't do. You might want to look at the article on Boundaries in the Toolbox area of the site. You might also like to do an internet search for "detaching with love" and read some about that. Your husband has to figure out his family relationships on his own. You can't do that for him even if you wanted to.

Thank you for this nudge.  In the past my husband has never minded if I left early from a family party.  There are times when his family is being great and he's enjoying them.  He will bring me home and return to have more fun.  I think he would be uncomfortable if I did not attend a wedding or funeral but I think he would respect my choice to not attend a family party. 

Many of the spouses of my in laws do not show up to holiday parties.  In the beginning of my time with this family I was excited to be part of a fun boisterous family.  I made efforts to plan girls trips and outings.  Even after it was clear I was doing all the heavy lifting.  Once everyone started having kids it was harder to get them together.  That hurt but I understood it.  Over the years those that married in just started making excuses to avoid the drinking and dysfunction at family parties.   (headache, sick kid, early morning and didn't want to make the hour drive, etc.)  It would be disappointing to show up to a party and find that only one or two showed up.  I continued to show up out of respect for my husbands parents and my resentment grew towards those that didn't show.  But maybe it's my time to cut off family interaction to only the most important events.

[Hopeful Spine]

Radical acceptance, a core Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill, involves completely accepting reality as it is—without judgment or resistance—to eliminate unnecessary suffering. It separates unavoidable pain from self-inflicted suffering (pain + non-acceptance), allowing you to release bitterness, anger, and feelings of being trapped by unchangeable, painful situations.

My Reality - In the pursuit of harmony, I pretend to like my in laws.  After years of genuinely trying, I just pretend with most of them.  I expect my in laws to treat me the same way.  Even if they don't like me - I expect to be included on texts, invited to group outings, and to be acknowledged when I attend a party. I expect this because I am a generally kind person who doesn't deserve to NOT be liked.

Acceptance - My in laws are not interested in a superficial relationship.  They prefer their own company.  They feel comfortable keeping spouses off the major text chains.  They are not concerned if they hurt their brother, or me, by not including us in their plans.  They have their own reasons for not liking me and I haven't been able to change that - even after years of trying.  It's baffling and unfair but it's not going to change.  They don't like me.


My Reality - My husband loves his family - even the ones he doesn't like.  So any rejection he feels is painful.  And I hate seeing him this way.  His identity is strongly linked to this "large, fun, family" and it's unlikely he will go NC.  He still admires his older brothers.  He still is devoted to his mother and he includes her in our life to a degree that makes me uncomfortable.  He does not believe her to be at fault for the way his family behaves.  I do believe her passive nature (and her need to be popular) is a key element to why this family is so toxic.  I find myself biting me tongue and ruminating later over all my annoyances with them and especially his mother.

Acceptance - It's natural for my husband to still hope for acceptance within his family.  Severing that tie is a huge thing and he has to come to that decision on his own.  I can decide to not interact with his family - which will eliminate being involved in annoying, hurtful, situations.  I can find better ways to handle conversations with my husband when he ends up complaining about them.  I can be honest with my husband about not attending work functions when his mother is also invited.  I can block his mother from my social media.  I can even leave the one family text chain that I'm included on.

Overall Acceptance - This family has always been toxic to us.  They have shown us time and again that they value many other people instead of us.  We have many people who DO value us.  We like ourselves and we love our life.  I don't HAVE to have this family in our life in order to enjoy it.

[Adria]

Hopeful Spine,

If I were writing about my dh and his family, it would be exactly as you wrote.  Same exact situation.  For years, I tried to go along to get along, forgave and forgot, but to no avail.  They looked at me as weak. I really didn't care to fight battles with them, as I had enough on my plate from my own family to deal with, so just ignored their snide remarks and innuendos.

Anyway, I did end up going pretty much NC with dh's family.  As years went on, we moved away, and hardly ever got invited to anything.  He went to a couple funerals by himself and a wedding.  One time after, he nearly died in the hospital, we went back to visit in our hometown.  Thought it was a celebration party for him. I told him I didn't want to go, but he begged me to, so I relented.  Big mistake, by the time we left, I was in tears, we were fighting, etc.  This year, we are going back for a month.  I will absolutely not attend any of his family functions. I've made it clear. 

You have to let your dh do what he feels he has to do, but, in no way, do you have to keep putting yourself in a position to be humiliated and abused.  You can explain kindly to your dh, and he might be a little put off at first, but eventually, he will understand because deep down he know the reality of the situation. 

It sounds like it's time to take care of yourself and let your dh figure things out on his end.  It took awhile, but my dh is completely done with his family. We have peace and so much better of a relationship now. I wish you all the best. Be patient with him and yourself.  Knowing how to handle all this doesn't just happen over night. It takes time and getting pushed to a point where you just plain don't care anymore.

[Hopeful Spine]

If I were writing about my dh and his family, it would be exactly as you wrote.  Same exact situation.  For years, I tried to go along to get along, forgave and forgot, but to no avail.  They looked at me as weak. I really didn't care to fight battles with them, as I had enough on my plate from my own family to deal with, so just ignored their snide remarks and innuendos.

Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm almost 25 years in.  I am not a manipulative person and I just can't keep up. 

I used to plan girl events and everyone came.  But DH's sister would attended and talk behind my back.  We all knew what she was like but at some point she figured out who could be manipulated and who couldn't.  She strung me along and sadly I wanted sisters so badly I just took the bait.  She'd be friendly and I'd love movie nights at her house.  It felt so good, cozy and familia to share a couch and popcorn bowl.  I'd think that things were changing.  But the following weekend we'd go to a wedding and she saved places at her table . . . and I wasn't allowed to sit near her.  Or she'd "forget" to invite me to her baby shower.  I mean - I really gave her a lot of grace.  She knew exactly how to get me back.  And it was usually in time for a holiday or to get my vote in some family argument she wanted to win.

The girl events slowed down when people had children.  But the out of town SIL's would somehow all end up at HER house for a pre-party during the holidays.  THEY were all having the cozy fun time and I was home alone - not even invited.  I'd speak up and she'd act like I was being a baby about it all.  Once I emailed her asking her if she was okay or if I had done anything wrong.  She replied with an aggressive email with over 50 reasons what she simply didn't have time for me.  Literally a numbered list that mentioned her husband, her work, her dog needing a bath, the time she had made a meal for someone who was sick, taking walks for her own health, her tomato plants. A passive aggressive list that showed all the way that I was not a priority or responsibility to her.  Here I was, trying to sort out the weird vibes and she treated me like I was being obsessive, excessive, and weird.  Things were never the same after that and she knew it.

Slowly all the out of town spouses stopped showing up to anything but the most important holidays.  Always Christmas, sometimes Thanksgiving, never Memorial Day - that kind of thing.  And I would be sad to lose their company.  And hurt that they didn't even consider me a friend that they would want to see occasionally.  I got over it all but it's always hurt and I never stopped trying to be friendly.

In the middle of all this my husband hit rock bottom and spent a short amount of time in jail.  I could have (and should have) left him but he was suicidal and I KNEW that his family would do nothing to support him.  I stuck around and helped him get sober.  That should have earned me a level of respect but no - I think they viewed me as a doormat.  And him weak for not being able to be a decent functioning alcoholic.  When I stuck around and worked on our marriage they seemed to like me even less after that.  One time I emailed them all and told them how very hard their brother was working to improve himself but that he was really struggling.  I asked for them to consider checking in once a week.  Or to maybe invite him to watch the game.  I told them he needed a boost.  I was struggling too and needed help.  A few people replied.  A few even reached out to DH once or twice but that was it.  They have NO IDEA what I did for their family.  A suicide in this family would have been incredibly humbling and shameful.  I saved them from that.  I protected their parents.

A few years later my closest SIL got super religious and told my husband that he was unhealed from his past and she didn't want him around her kids.  Those kids loved us and it was humiliating and devastating.  How did the family handle it?  By telling us it was crap treatment then turning around and heaping extra love onto that SIL and BIL.  DH and I had to be on high alert at family functions but people were getting up to hug the offended BIL and SIL.  DH parents told us they were going to talk to them about it all.  They went on vacation (to a religious event) and somehow, they never (NOT ONCE) found the right time to bring it up.

I really wish I had used those opportunities to leave but I wasn't strong enough to do anything but pray for better treatment.

Finally - I had to have major surgery and guess how many of them checked in on me?  Zero.  All those visits, gifts, meals, surprise mail, hospital visits I'd done for all them - I didn't even get a text.  I felt a huge void in my life in general around that time and decided to stop making any efforts with anyone.  What a gift!  I used that time to work on me and I finally learned who cared about me. 

All of this to say - I am far from perfect and I know I'm not a super fun party person.  But I AM a person of value.  I have put considerable time and effort into this family. I worked hard to improve the life of my husband and to build a life I am authentically proud of.  I am certainly worthy of a dinner invite.

I really didn't mean to rehash any of this.  I've shared this all before while looking for support online.  I've even revealed it all in therapy, both online and in person.  But for some reason - today I am really fired up!

All these things happened.  Pretty much as described.  Once again - I was not perfect at every turn.  I know I was a thirsty sister wannabe at times.  I know I was pathetically accommodating other times.  But my intentions were real.  My heart was real.  I'd NEVER rebuff an offer of friendship - especially if I knew I'd be sharing a family name and spending our futures together.  I'd NEVER pit one sister against another.  I'd NEVER deliberately leave anyone out of anything.  I don't understand anyone who would.

It sounds like it's time to take care of yourself and let your dh figure things out on his end.  It took awhile, but my dh is completely done with his family. We have peace and so much better of a relationship now. I wish you all the best. Be patient with him and yourself.  Knowing how to handle all this doesn't just happen over night. It takes time and getting pushed to a point where you just plain don't care anymore.

Cheers to you!!  I think I'm there.  I don't want drama.  I don't want anyone to apologize.  I didn't even really want the invite.  But if I'm a part of this family I should be included and respected.  So maybe it's time to not be part of this family.  I just don't want to be around people who try to knock me down a notch.  Even if we do share the same last name.

[Adria]

Hopeful Spine,

I so understand. I would have done just about anything to fit into dh's family as my own family was horrible.  But, it was almost like they knew it, and used it to further isolate and torment me.  SIL was very passive aggressive, one time she would act like we were friends, luring me in, only to discard me later on. This happened over and over until I just cut her off. I am 31 years into this, and it has only been maybe the last five years that we have drawn some hard lines.

I had cancer ten years ago, they never once asked about me.  I saved dh's life from stage 4 cancer as I'm into natural healing.  Dh's mom actually accused me of giving dh the cancer, even though her husband died of the same kind.  I thought and hoped that maybe me saving his life would earn me some points.  They actually mocked me saying, I just got lucky, he was never that sick, the doctors mis diagnosed him, you name it. No thank you . . .  nothing.  Except when I was asked what I did for him, they were sure taking notes, just in case.

It's probably a good thing you stuck around for your dh because chances are they would have blamed you if he committed suicide.

Chances are, you will never do anything right with these people, you will never win. The game is rigged.  Probably the sooner you can come to this realization totally, the better off you will be.

I'm glad things are better with your dh.  Try to build on you and his relationship now, and cut out the drama the best you can.

A few years ago, dh's mother came to stay with us for a couple of torturous weeks.  At the end of it, dh said, I treat you like my mom don't I.  I said, yes, you do.  That was the first time, he really had an epiphany. But, it was a start and from there we were able to work better together at protecting our peace and our marriage.

I will never understand people like that.  I have enough room in my heart to love everyone, but sadly that is no usually the case.  You are not wrong for feeling the way you do.  I've never learned to play those manipulative, hurtful games. Never want to.  I can't imagine the energy it must take, let alone always scheming to hurt people.  That's not the way I want to live. Lived enough of it in my own family. 

You are so strong. Your dh is lucky to have you. So are his family, but they can't understand decency.  I hope you find strength and clarity here on the forum.  Try not to crack open any doors so they can continue to hurt you and your dh.  It takes strength and courage, but it will be well worth it. 

[Hopeful Spine]

Chances are, you will never do anything right with these people, you will never win. The game is rigged.  Probably the sooner you can come to this realization totally, the better off you will be.

Woof!  YOU have been through a lot!!  I'm in tears reading your story because (first off YOU got strength, sister!!) it sounds so much like my experiences.  I appreciate your "radical truth".  I know you are right.

I had cancer ten years ago, they never once asked about me.

This is just awful.  And what a journey with your husbands health.  WOW!

My husband and I had a great talk last night.  We both know that we are wasting our time.  Even if we get a crumb of acceptance - it goes away quickly.  We don't believe that we can go full NC with his family but we're on the same page about the need to prioritize our mental health.  He's fine if I decide not to attend parties.  I am fine going if he truly needs me to be there.  He's thinking maybe he will just make short appearances.  Enough to say "hi", see our nieces and nephews, and leave before they start the "look how close we all are" matinee.

This morning I looked at my text notification.  53 Texts on the family text chain.  We had a birthday and an anniversary in the family.  Everyone was posting greetings and "liking" and "loving" comments.  One of his siblings posted, "Very blessed to have this family."  His mother replied "My thoughts exactly!"

And all I can think of is, "Being in this family has been the biggest challenge and heaviest disappointment of my life."

Thank you again for sharing more of your story.  It truly does help to know that I'm not alone.  That other good people are treated this way - unexplicitly.  And that it IS hard.  And that there is peace on the other side of it.

[Hopeful Spine]

My difficult in laws have moved to town.  A week ago BIL asked for help moving.  My husband explained that he had work but would be able to assist as his work is completed.  He specifically said, "keep my posted on the moving plan so I can help."

Today is moving day and Husband hasn't heard anything about moving.  So he texted his cousin, who was happy to forward the text he received YESTERDAY with the details on the moving plan.

We've known about this move for a couple of months now and we've both agreed to not buy into the whole toxic cycle.  Everyone in the family was so excited that they were moving back.  Joy, congrats, etc.  Then slowly it morphs into everyone talking behind their back.  Making judgements on how they are planning the move, the timing, the type of rental truck.  That's a nice way to treat a family member moving back - talk crap about them behind their back.

We've largely kept it all in perspective. Rolled eyes to each other.  Our own opinions discussed between just us.  We remind each other that our wonderful lives with our businesses, good friends and church family is NOT going to change just because hurtful people from our past will now be in our town.

I'm just beyond irritated that they pulled their old trick and hurt my husband again.  The lack of communication feels more like a full rejection than what it is - a gift from God.  A sign that we are NOT to mix in with these people.  A sign that we should really just turn away in peace.

Of course my husband can't let it go. He will be showing up to help.  I really pray that he get's fed up with it all and we can move on from these people.

I know that I cannot change this.  Just wanted to vent.