Recently discovered something is very wrong with MIL

[SeekingtheSunshine]

It has been almost 3 months since I have spoken to my MIL, because I discovered something was wrong with our relationship with her. I can't really put my finger on what made the light bulb go off but the last time I saw her triggered something. I started to do some research online because I felt like I was going crazy. This is when I realized that a lot of her behaviors were matching a covert/vulnerable narcissist which shocked me. I have never researched this personality disorder but my MIL would call all of her ex-husbands and friendships that ended badly as narcissists. So naturally I started to think maybe she was self-projecting? Because how does one person come across so many narcissists and have so many bad relationships?

She had been visiting us every single weekend ever since her own mother passed away. It was starting to exhaust me so much I told my husband we need to fill our weekends with "plans" so she couldn't force herself onto us every weekend. Every visit i was left feeling exhausted, depressed, almost like a dark cloud hung over my house. She has always treated me like a child even though i am now in my mid-thirties and very successful in a federal government agency. But other times she would shower me with compliments, and then the next weekend she would say backhanded insults and be very passive aggressive. I never knew which MIL i was going to get. This last time I saw her she insulted my faith again, which I can accept if someone does not agree with my faith or religion but to openly insult the Bible to my face? I never push religion onto anyone and keep it to myself unless someone asks me about my faith. I was so surprised that she did that to me. I would never do that to anyone, even if they had another religion than me. I respect everyone and everyone's freedoms. After these comments I pulled back and went into another room to sit on the couch and look at my phone because I could tell she was in a fighting mood and was being very dismissive of me.  So i decided okay you don't want to talk to me or see me so i will just leave.  But she follows me into the other room once she realized i wasn't going to sit at the dining table with her! She then continued to ask me if I wanted to help her with a project and sell her antique linens for her on marketplace. Complete 180. The entire afternoon I was trying to talk to her and now all the sudden she wants my attention when I leave the room. I was honest with her and told her I wasn't comfortable selling them because I wouldn't know how to price the linens, and I have two toddlers that I care for and I don't have much free time.  My husband also jumped in and said that my MIL should get a 3rd party to come to her house and evaluate her antiques she wants to sell. I could tell my husband was annoyed because she kept pressing me to help her even after he made it clear that he also did not want me to help her.  After realizing she couldn't get me on board to help her she decided to pack up and go home.  As she was leaving she looked at my daughter and asked if she was potty trained. I was shocked. My daughter has been potty trained since last July. She was asking this in May 2026. I just looked at her and said, "She has been potty trained since last year..." She just gave me a dumb look on her face, and said oh has it been that long? She knows I really struggled potty training my daughter and had a hard time. But it finally clicked with her a few months before she turned 3 and I was ecstatic. My husband was really proud. So this felt like a passive aggressive jab? Or am I being too sensitive? She has babysat my daughter on multiple occasions, we have had multiple family get togethers and dinners and she has watched her go and use the bathroom. And every time she would get excited and celebrate. But then for months afterward she would constantly ask if our daughter was out of diapers and if she was potty trained. It was crazy. I felt like i was going crazy. This felt like a petty jab because I refused to get involved with her antique project. But this has been going on for the entire year. There are so many other stories where she would do strange things like this, and it got way worse after we had kids. She also loves to tell me about her potty training experience with my son and she said she only had one accident the entire time she potty trained. And she would discuss how easy and fun it was to potty train. I felt so defeated every time she would bring it up, but I never said anything.

I have known this women for 16 years and feel incredibly stupid for not seeing what she was doing to my mental health. I have many other strange behaviors and events that I really want to get out there to see if I am on the right track. For years, I thought it was me. I thought I was the weird, awkward person that didn't meld with my MIL's family. But now I am wondering if she was trying to make me feel that way, and also poisoned my husband's family against me? Or am I just crazy? I just need guidance because I am worried that this three month lapse will be over nothing and she will treat me even worse now. Thank you for reading this terribly long rant.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad your husband is supportive of you. I think it is as well you are reducing MIL's visits. Every weekend is too much for anyone, I think. Maybe she is still grieving the loss of her mother but that does not mean you should accommodate her every whim. Stepping back and keeping both physical and emotional distance between you and her sounds like a sensible thing to do.

[bloomie]

SeekingtheSunshine - welcome to Out of the FOG. You are in a good spot to gain insights, tools and experience the empowerment that can come from a compassion, savvy community who listen, believe you, and understand.

This was telling to me as you shared some of the challenges you are facing with your mil's behaviors:

my MIL would call all of her ex-husbands and friendships that ended badly as narcissists.

A string of ex husbands and ex friends - primary relationships that ended badly that another person does not seem to see their own part in it is a possible indicator that you are dealing with a high conflict kind of person.

Two of the most high conflict, confounding, meddling, undermining people I have ever known are my own mil and sister in law (sil). So, my heart just breaks to hear that this woman has nearly defeated you over something as individual and unique to each family as potty training. 

I believed, in error, that my in laws had a certain sway or authority over me. I believed the best of them for a very long time and wrongly (in my case) turned the covert and overt manipulation and undermining against myself - examining what is wrong with me? How can I overlook an offense or be more patient, etc.

I was young and vulnerable and wanted normalcy and the love of extended family and that blinded me for a long time as to how much damage these two rivalrous, ill-intentioned woman were doing to my heart. There is a high cost to all of this as it seems you are beginning to wisely evaluate. 

Whatever the possible diagnosis, whatever the "why" of toxic behaviors and postures from your mil - the reality is the behaviors/words that are hurting you and undermining you. Focusing on behaviors and finding words for the things you are seeing and experiencing and building a toolset for yourself that empowers and equips you is key.

A big part of my own journey has been building a healthy foundation of self worth and identifying/knowing what belongs to me/my family - and what does and does not work for me/us.

Starting with - your position as the heart and soul of your home. Fully taking the spiritual, emotional, sacred position that is standing up in the middle of your own life and learning to limit and respond to someone who is out of line. To stop handing over your sense of accomplishment, well being, value to someone who doesn't seem they can be trusted with it. Easier said then done, I do know!!!

The toolbox and resources at the drop down menus above are great helps. The conversations that you can read through on this board alone can offer insights and help you know you are not alone!! Keep coming back!

[1footouttadefog]

She will not change.  You and your husband will have to arrange visits and such in a way that they are contained. 

It's awesome that he is working with you so far. 

I had twin mother in laws.  One was a grandiose and the other a borderline. 

The grandiose was more evenly tempered and just when you thought you had things moving nicely during a visit the borderline would toss a wrench in the machinery.

Managing visits is something I did too late.

Consider picking her up and taking her to dinner then dropping her off or having her meet you out.  This way everyone has a car and you can break free as needed. 

If your husband needs to help with with a work project at her home you and you kids could grab take out and have a short visit to eat with them then you go on to grocery store or a park  etc. 

Managed time blocks and activities take the pressure off, and can help keep it short and simple. They often tend to behave better in public and some times the stimulation does them well and it gives them bragging rights to other old people.

Give any honest complements that you can.  Regardless of how bad she is, it's good for your kids to see you being kind. 

That blouse always looks nice on you.   

I was combing ......'s hair and was noticing she / he got that nice texture/ color etc from his grandmother.

Blank was putting her own things away so nicely this week, hopefully she will have your sense of tidyness, decorating, you make it look so easy.

Tying them to the positives about your kids helps them feel less competitive with them. And gives them something to brag about with friends. Remember they are narcs after all.