I don't know if she is disordered but something is wrong

[Silentlywaiting]

A year and a half ago my son and his then girlfriend called me. They told me she was pregnant and even though they had only been dating a few months (3-4 months), they were going to get married. I told my son I didn't think pregnancy was a reason to get married and even tho they've known each other since middle school they didn't really know each other. I made them both promise they would get marital counseling.
My son has issues, his father is more than likely NPD. My son also a combat veteran with CPTSD, ADD, and depression. He works in a chemical plant loading rail cars in all weather. In the deep south where it commonly gets over 100f in the summer for more than 90 days a year. She also has ADD, and tutors a couple of children two or three times a week for about two hours.
When they were getting ready to get married I flew to their state. I offered to make her bouquet and make the wedding cake they wanted. Both agreed.
My son and I went to the flower market as she was with her Mom getting her nails and such done.
We didn't know what kind of flowers she wanted and she didn't answer the phone until we had been there over an hour trying to reach her. No biggie I thought.
There were some signs of things to come in the future and I tried to brush them off.
Her mother bought her a $450,000 home. I thought it was wonderful. The kids would be able to have a good start in life except my son was informed it wasn't his home.
This incident happened at the baby shower. I wasn't there but got information from several people including my son's mother in law.
The MIL was getting ready to leave and went to say good bye to people. My ex husband, his husband, ex father in law and son all thanked her for coming. She got very offended as that was HER house.
She told me at a later date that she was offended they said thank you for coming when it was her house. No one knew except her,my son, and his wife.
A few months later my dil went into labor. I wasn't there but again got this story from several people. My dil had her two friends, my son, and her mother in the room. The two friends stayed the entire time and my son had to sleep in the floor.
His mil yelled at him when he was holding the baby for the first time. When the nurse handed the baby to him.
He was treated  badly by her family and friends.
My dil has called me and complained numerous times he isn't doing what she wants him to do. He isn't doing his "responsibilities" according to her. I suggested she tell him what she wants him to do, and she informed me he should just know.
The house her Mom bought needs a new fence. They had three dogs between the two of them.I had one of the dogs with me but he needed to go to my son because he listens to my son better. She had a husky, who was a bit ill mannered and spoiled. Nothing training and exercise couldn't fix.
My son loves animals. She loves her animals but doesn't like my son's dogs. Including his older golden retriever who is the sweetest old dog you could meet. Her dog has attacked both of my son's dogs in numerous occasions.
Ok she has repeatedly told my son that the house is hers, her mother has said the same thing yet he is expected to make all the repairs on said house. That includes the entire cost of said repairs.
About three weeks ago they had an estimate done on the fence is was $6000. Not something they with a new baby have right now. Her dog had an issue with escaping. My son had hammered some nails into some loose boards to try and hold it together enough to keep her dog in.
A couple of weeks ago my son calls me upset. She had woken up and let the dogs out. I don't know where she was but when my son woke up, went to the bathroom, got a bowl of cereal and sat down at his computer which was in the master bedroom where they sleep. My dil refuses to put the baby in a crib. She has the baby sleeping with them now. Well the baby woke up and my dil comes out and starts screaming at my son that he woke the baby up. In the meantime her dog had escaped and they didn't know where she was.
I told my son to get off the phone and look for her. My son found the dog and unfortunately she had run a mile up the road and been hit and killed by a car. My son and her were both devastated and sobbing. She was blaming herself and I told her accidents happen and it was no one's fault. I found a crematory for them to take her to and helped them get it set up.
She is now blaming my son for the dog getting out and getting hit.
They have gotten into some horrible arguments. Including one right before I went to visit in December. She blamed my son for a broken diaper disposal thing, when my son told me she threw it at him. She has got him repeatedly and blames him for her hitting him.
When we got there my husband and I bought a new one only to find out the old one just had a dent in it that my son later popped out. She lied and told me it was destroyed.
My son ended up at the mental health facility the night before we left for suicidal thoughts.
I'm trying to be as honest about all of this.
My son can be a little lazy at times. He also can get lost playing his video games. It's an unhealthy cooping mechanism.
When my son went to the gym to work out she got pissed and threw a fit. He isn't allowed to play his video games.
Honestly all I've ever heard from her or her Mom is how he isn't a good man. Nothing he does is right. He has had heat stroke a couple of times after working in the heat for more than 10 hours a day.
She goes to her mom's after she wakes up and spends the day there. She was coming home as soon as he was but he was getting frustrated because as soon as she got home she was giving him the baby so she could tutor her students. Oh he gets home at 7pm and has to be in bed by 8-8:30 so he can be up by 4am.
He cooks for them often, if he is too tired then she demands to go out. When we were there and my son was in the mental hospital she refused to let me cook, even though I clean up as I'm cooking or after I'm done. She didn't have the money to pay for the meals so we did and every time it was at least $100.
I was there in December to see an oncologist for a rare cancer I have and it was close to the holidays. So for us that was a lot of money.
The first time we visited they asked if I could watch the baby so they could go to a birthday dinner. I said of course but we had to leave at 2pm so I could swing by and see my youngest son before we drove the 13 hours home. Even though my son told her they should probably leave they didn't get back to their house until 5:30pm. I had called both of them but she didn't answer, he did and told me he had told her they needed to leave numerous times.
Then she brought her friends with her, which I thought was a little rude but whatever. I was already upset because we weren't going to get to see my youngest and we were going to be leaving and driving much later than I wanted to.
A couple of days ago my son and I were talking about huskies. We had a couple when I did rescue years ago and he currently has one that lives with us. We were talking about how his dog isn't like other huskies in that huskies like to run. We were talking about a husky we had when he was a kid. The dog ate a hole through my wall next to my door while I was at work. That dog would run whenever he got a chance and how once a guy came out of his house with a gun as I was chasing trying to catch this dog. The guy said it was a wolf. Oh and I did make a statement that I stand by, people in the city shouldn't own one if they aren't going to exercise the dog daily as they are high energy animals that need lots of exercise and stimulation.
She suddenly starts yelling at us about how she knew what we were doing and she knew her dog and it was my son's fault because he had fixed the fence in the year plus they lived there.
I've tried to be nice, let things slide. I know how my son can be and I know his faults. He isn't perfect but literally he can't do anything right. She belittles him constantly and is constantly threatening divorce. Oh and she also does the suicide threats but doesn't say I'm going to kill myself. Instead she says I won't be here or some other such thing. There is so much more.
I just don't know what to do. I think he's afraid to leave her because if the baby. She threatened me that she would take the baby out of the country if she saw any signs of neglect but to her my son is negligent I'd be doesn't immediately do her bidding without her saying anything and her immediately yelling.
She says he is focused on his computer. He said he was taking a class for hazmat for work and she just walked up handed him the baby and went into the bathroom.
I've tried to reason with her, talk to her, get them to do therapy. She did two sessions but quit when the therapist told her to cut the cord to her mother. She literally expects my son to wait on her hand and foot. To not do anything but what she wants to do. She even got upset he, his friend, and my younger son went fishing while she, and her friends did what they wanted to at the house.
My son went fishing two times in three months and she told him that was too much. Yet she will drop the baby off at her mom's and go drinking or to a spa with her friends.
He isn't allowed to spend money either or she complains about everything he spends money on. She also lies and alters the truth. My son has lied to me before yes but I think he's being honest now and seeing her behavior towards me now that I don't agree with her, I feel something is up.
BTW I've always tried to be supportive or her, respectful of her, and neutral when it comes to their issues but enough is enough.

Oh the crib thing. My son works at a place that they create the foam to make mattresses. He offered to have them make the baby the best mattress but she now wants a Montessori bed. She still complains they don't have a mattress but she refused to let him have one specially made for her. Even though the crib they got converts.
Oh and she buys those $50+ box of diapers. The fancy expensive ones. That's $50 a week for an almost year old. The diapers can only be bought online or at Whole foods. The high chair she had to have was over $400 and the two car seats were over $400 & $1000.
She is an only child on her mother's side. Her mother met a man who lived here in the states who owned a cosmetics business. He was well to do and she has always had the best of the best. She even got mad when her Mom gave her a Mercedes or BMW SUV because it wasn't the new model. Yet she claims she isn't spoiled.
Please tell me what you think. I'm beyond stressed and really wish they hadn't involved me. I hate to be this way but with this cancer I have enough on my plate.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this while having cancer. I can see why you and your son are distressed.

I think your son's MIL resents him because of the pregnancy. How young are your son and his new wife?

His new wife might be having postpartum problems or exhaustion. There could be a personality disorder.

They shouldn't have stopped counseling. They need a new therapist ASAP.

[Rebel13]

Hi Silentlywaiting,

I had cancer last year and so I know the toll that takes on a person. Can you set some boundaries, focus on yourself and your needs right now? If they call you to complain, can you work on being medium chill with them? Maybe something like, "I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I hope you can find someone to talk to that can help you improve your relationship." Or another statement that puts the responsibility for the marriage back on them. I know it's hard when someone you love is in a bad situation, but ultimately these two are adults and are responsible for themselves and their child now.

For yourself, maybe you can find some calming skills to apply to this situation and also for the stress of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. I have found the book "Coping with Cancer" by Elizabeth Stuntz and Marsha Linehan to be somewhat helpful. Depending on your diagnosis, SHARE Cancer Support has some good webinars:  https://www.sharecancersupport.org/video/ Or there may be another organization that would have resources like that but specific to your situation.

I wish you well and hope for the best for your physical and mental health!

[Silentlywaiting]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this while having cancer. I can see why you and your son are distressed.

I think your son's MIL resents him because of the pregnancy. How young are your son and his new wife?

His new wife might be having postpartum problems or exhaustion. There could be a personality disorder.

They shouldn't have stopped counseling. They need a new therapist ASAP.

She's 28. It's the constant nagging, belittling, and  honestly this was all happening prior to her having the baby. My son told me he was going to break up with her prior to him finding out she was pregnant.
When her ex was moving out of the apartment they shared my son had to stop her from attacking her ex because the ex said he was taking the $4000 mattress he had bought. She then hit my son. He married her to get her insurance for the pregnancy.

[moglow]

We can talk possible diagnoses and throw around labels and excuses all day long but the fact remains: they're a married couple, now parents as well. Handing that young lady everything wasn't a great idea but her mother perpetuates it. Instead of working with her husband and building a life together, sounds like she's looking for and finding escapes with others.

However imperfect we all are, best thing anyone could do for a young couple starting out is throw them together and make them work it out. Or end the marriage altogether.

As long as mommie dearest is right there to buy everything, that daughter isn't going to appreciate what it takes to earn a living and pay the bills, the time and care it takes to raise a family. Few young families start out "on top" and it's an adjustment for the most committed couples.

To have gotten married because of a child ... That child will likely be resented for her/his mere existence - and s/he will know. Young mom'll see to that, unless she rethinks her life and grows up pretty fast.

For you - be there for your son within reason but don't expect to carry that load for them. You can't. Handing them everything isn't the answer - they need to find a way to pull together to make this work

[moglow]

Disregard all of that, I just read your response to defiantdaughter - we're not talking about youngsters as I thought. She went from an ex to your son, as in literally from one one day straight to the other? Honestly ... Is the child even his, or the ex?

That's just a mess. 

[Defiantdaughter1]

If she behaved that way before the marriage and baby, it's definitely not postpartum related. This is very sad situation. Her previous behavior is concerning. She needs treatment of some kind. I'm surprised the marriage therapist didn't refer her to a psychiatrist.

[Silentlywaiting]

Disregard all of that, I just read your response to defiantdaughter - we're not talking about youngsters as I thought. She went from an ex to your son, as in literally from one one day straight to the other? Honestly ... Is the child even his, or the ex?

That's just a mess.

I'm not sure the time line of when she broke up with her ex and when they started dating. I do know that they were broken up but just sharing the apartment until the lease was up.
Oh yes the baby most definitely is his, we don't need DNA to see it either. The baby looks so much like my son when he was that age.
Even if the therapist had suggested her to therapy I doubt she would go.
Her mother is an enabler and has told me my son isn't a good man. Pissed me off because he was working in 100+ heat and then coming home and cook when he didn't have a migraine or heat stroke. That wasn't enough he was suppose to do all the repairs and the to do list at his mother in laws as well.
The fence was blown down in bad weather and again my son has been told repeatedly the house isn't his but he has to cough up $6700 for a new fence and pay for it? That's her and her mother's doing.
I expect him to pay and contribute to the household bills but I'm having a serious issue with him having to pay for the entire fence. I told him to pay half and that was all.
I told him yesterday if he chooses to stay there he's going to have to learn to live with it. I told him I don't know what to say. He said he wanted to vent and I told him that was fine but I don't know what to tell him.
He really does want it to work, he loves that baby so much, he's told me repeatedly that she's a good woman she just has some issues.
I worry because he has already been in the mental hospital because of her abuse. She keeps telling him how awful his is as a father, husband, etc. My son has many issues and I've told him he needs to let his therapist at the VA know what's going on and see him more than he is.

[Silentlywaiting]

Update.... Oh boy. My son was giving her $1500-$2000 a month to help her with the bills. She got pissed when he signed up for child support after she tried to get him to sign his rights away.
The reason, well she wants him to visit the baby but only when and where she decides. He's not allowed to have the baby on his own according to her.
My son being the nice guy went over to her house and spent the night because she and the baby is sick.
I'm on the poop list because I didn't force or parent my grown child to do her bidding when she wanted it done. Instead I encountere
Encouraged them to go through the courts.
She called me on two different occasions and lied about why she was calling. The first she said the baby was sick with a fever and vomiting. The baby wasn't sick. The second time saying see needed diapers and wipes. When I said Id send them to her, she got upset and said that would be inconvenient. She wanted money, which my son was told by support enforcement not to send any money until the support was ordered. If he bought anything he needed to keep the receipts.
She was screaming at me, insulting me, and threatened she wouldn't allow me to have a relationship with the baby.
I told her I was going to hang up because I didn't deserve that.
In the end I set a boundary that I would allow her to insult, threaten, and yell at me. So to the birthday party she didn't tell me about or my granddaughter being extremely ill.
I did something I shouldn't have done. I sent her a message reminder she promised to never prevent me from having a relationship with my granddaughter. I got a snotty message back that it was a privilege to speak to her and some other rude stuff. I shouldn't have messaged her. I should have just left it alone.
For now she is blocked on everything. I don't want to hear from her. I'm hoping my son will file for divorce soon so I can see my grandchild. Get pictures of her and FaceTime with her again. I really hate the being discarded. It always hurts no matter who does it.
I literally tried to be neutral and supportive, I never gave my opinion unless she asked, I didn't nose into their businesses she called me. When I tried to get her to understand I didn't want to be in the middle I was insulted and told to mother my almost 30 year old adult son.
I just hope that my son gets the records from the therapists, and takes them with him to divorce court and the custody hearing.

[Defiantdaughter1]

Sad situation. He definitely needs an attorney.  Otherwise, she might move away and never let him see the baby. The divorce decree needs to state that she can't move the child far away. My guess is that she's going to try.

[Silentlywaiting]

Well life happened and I forgot this post.
Turns out she may be abusing my granddaughter.
A few months ago we went for a visit. My son started dating a new girl a year after he split with the beast.
He kept her and the baby on his insurance until he lost his job.
During my visit the baby stayed three days. Not once did we see a broken tooth.
She did have a huge bump and developing bruise on her cheek. I big bump on top of her head and several other bruises of varying age.
When my son asked about the tooth, he was told it happened a year ago. The pictures she posted show that to be a lie. My son asked why she didn't take my granddaughter in because she had insurance then. She said nothing and walked off.
The baby has had bruises constantly including some that seemed like someone grabbed both her legs. Literally like finger print bruises.
My son got an attorney, a new one, and is going for full custody. Hopefully it'll work out.
Oh and she showed her whole butt with the meeting with the AG. They dismissed her case due to her behavior and chastised her for how she is with my son and the baby.