Friendship

[Deborah]

I wish I had closer friendships. I did a shitload of trauma work. So I can be myself now. I learned and unlearned a lot. Like boundaries or expression feelings or empathy. I have people around me... a friend, a safe ex, a lot of neighbours..that I like a lot. I feel free to just be me. Without anxiously anticipating how they will respond and feeling unsafe and all. I am appreciated for just being who I am. They are longterm contacts (5+/10+ years).

It's just...the ex/friends live faraway, so I rarely see them. The neighbours see me often...maybe a few times a week.. we share good and bad...cry and laugh... but they are not really friends. In the sense that we meet in the local coffee bar. But not for dinner at home or so. If I would move, I do not think we would still call or visit.

I am in such pain over my child. And my family. That it is hard to truly keep in touch with people. I am often so terribly sad and filled with selfhatred. And I am ADHD-ish. I know now how to connect... but not how to take the step to deeper friendship. I know emotionally. I can go in depth. But I do not know...basic social skills?!? Like... if you really like a neigbbour...then what? How do you build up friendship? Later in life?

[countrygirl]

HiDeborah,

If you already like a particular neighbor a lot, do you know whether you have common interests?  This doesn't have to be having the same hobbies.  It can even be liking the same sorts of films, or TV series or books.  You might need to talk with them more in order to find this out. 

If you like  similar films, for example, you could then suggest getting together one day to watch a film. Or if you don't want to do that yet, you could ask them for film recommendations, and then make a point of seeking them out to discuss the film after you watch it. In short, you have to find a way to spend more time with them. Do so in a casual, but friendly way.

[Deborah]

Thanks! We talk a lot actually. Both casual things... what music we like, what hobbies, etc. And deeper things... personal traumas or current highs and low, etc.  I'm regularly the one people come for to be comforted or hugged or protected. Strangely. Because I am rather fragile myself.  I try to listen. As well as share my own feelings. We also have simple fun.

I just feel weird about asking them to meet in private. I can be me there. With zero unease. But I just now realised I still fear rejection. When asking: ey, want to see a movie/have a drink/go play sports? It feels like I am invading?!? Or they would not like it? Isn't that weird?
 
My family always said there was nothing to like about me... in a billion ways... so I can see what it is coming from. But not sure how to overcome the fear someone says: eh no?

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

Thanks for clarifying where you are in your friendship with your neighbor. It certainly sounds as if you two get along really well.

It is natural to fear rejection, and also to worry that if you suggest doing something and she declines, talking with her might not be that easy afterwards. I must say that, like almost everyone else, I've had invitations accepted and declined.  IF one person says no, two might say yes tomorrow.     

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The alternative is to wait until she suggests something. Obviously,the choice is yours.

Given the possible invitations you listed, I think playing sports seems the least intense, so if you're worried about her saying no, that is what I would do.

As I'm sure you know, it as inexcusable for your family to have said there was nothing to like about you.  You come across as being very likable, and part of that is your willingness to say you fear rejection.  That is very human!  We've all been there. So, think aobut whether you want to suggest getting together, or whether you want to wait a little while and see if she suggests it.  If you could talk about playing sports that might open the door.  Best of luck! 

[Deborah]

Thank you for thinking with me!

There's a few neighbours I like. I thought about inviting someone to a sport I want to try soon. We talked about it. Or simply for a walk in the nearby park. Actually, my neighbour invited me for one recently. Maybe I should return the favour.  Maybe fearing rejection is normal... I never really know what is normal and what is my silly trauma-brain.

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

Oh, there are several nice neighbors.  That's even better! 
Yes, fearing rejection is perfectly normal. 

[Deborah]

Thanks for helping. Yes. I actually have a really nice neighbourhood. It's a poor immigrant area. I had to get used to it. There's violence and drugs and troubled youth and all. Everyone goes to the food bank. But I got used to it lately. There's a mingling of people and cultures that is quite cool. There's a lot less masking than in the uptown area I come from. Which has good and bad sides. People help each other out a lot. If someone's angry you'll hear it too. Rather than be secretly revenged on.

And there's just a few real sweet people. All with their own issues. So nobody frowns at you when you cry or have no money or wear fifth-hand-clothes. 

[countrygirl]

It does sound as if you have some very nice neighbors, so somehow I don't think you will be rejected when you try to befriend them.   

It's great that they are not hypocritical, but straightforward.