Reclaiming yourself

[skybox]

Trying to reclaim some of former joyful spirit. Despite some FOO aspects, I had a positive spirit and outlook in my younger years.

Long marriage to xnpdh, post marriage ugh, and holding it all together ... common themes- Have left me quite flat. Been doing a lot of work on " how this happened" and where from here. Sobering stuff.

On the one hand, resilience has been a bonus, but am having trouble finding joy, despite engaging in hobbies etc. Finding it harder to leave the house, feeling weighed down.
Not quite at the point of antidepressants, but a sort of " limbo".

Perhaps it will settle, it's certainly a safe state, maybe just the waiting room stage.

How did you all get through?

[xredshoesx]

I feel like it was just time and adjustment and I started feeling less heavy and weighed down by the stuff with my ex and less of a shadow from the trauma of my foo (which actually had a lil flare up I need to reflect on).  I didn't do a lot of specific RECLAIMING ME type stuff, I just had to learn to sit in silence with myself and appreciate that there was no noise, no chaos and no constant anxious feeling it was about to go worse then it was already because of something I didn't know I was supposed to fix...

better days are ahead.  breath in and out. 

[skybox]

Thankyou red shoes, I think that's it - the need to sit in the appreciation of being free and really feel it, in this waiting room.  There's joy in that feeling of appreciation.

Little flare ups sound familiar, I just had one.  We need mental " fire extinguishers" to quench these little spot fires.

[skybox]

My mood seems better, despite a little «  spot fire ». I still don't want to venture out much.
It's old before my time.
I just want to sit in the peace, and nothing to change. This is an odd side effect/ quite literally I don't want «  new » anything - just same food, same home, same routine. I don't want anything changed in position ( like a chair or plates). I want to sit on the step and do nothing.
In a way this is good, as funds are limited - but it's quite extreme. I am not in crisis, in fact quite stable, just.... Floating.  Saw a friend the other day, and put my «  exterior self » on, as I wouldn't want anyone to know.   Maybe I am expecting too much of myself, and need more time.

[Rebel13]

It's old before my time.
I just want to sit in the peace, and nothing to change. This is an odd side effect/ quite literally I don't want «  new » anything - just same food, same home, same routine. I don't want anything changed in position ( like a chair or plates). I want to sit on the step and do nothing.

I'm kind of in this same spot, and it does feel weird, but it also feels good! I'm not used to giving myself calm time and space, and being okay with it (not haranguing myself that I SHOULD be accomplishing something, yada yada). I'm trying to lean into the calm in my body and work on "taking in the good" (Rick Hanson), remembering good things or happiness and trying to focus on them for a minute, to work against the natural negativity bias our brains have.

Anyway, I think it sounds like you are doing fine, and I'm really glad you are being patient with yourself being where you are and not letting the inner critic harass you into something more socially acceptable.

[skybox]

Thanks Rebel. I will look up the Hanson you referred to - that's a nice phrase «  taking in the good ».
It feels as though I need to get to a point to accept «  how and why it all happened » without emotion. Like cleaning maybe.

It feels a little like life force  was stolen from me-not sure how to describe it. Not just by ex.

[countrygirl]

Hi Skybox,

You say you don't now quite how to describe how you're feeling, but you actually did a wonderful job. "It feels a little like life force was stolen from me..." is so lucid.  And I think that is exactly what happens.

It occurs to me that it's very much how you can feel after you've been fighting through a bad respiratory illness for a long time.  Even after you've finally kicked the infection, you still fell weak and kind of dazed, as if all you'll ever want to do is sit around.  But, then, one day, you feel like doing something, so you start to engage with life, totally at your own pace, until one day, YOU are back. 

I think the advice you've been given, not to pressure yourself, to take your time is excellent.  You don't want a relapse, although there may well be little setbacks, as you've noted. 

In the winter, through a combination of factors, I felt a resurgence of the life force, in a way that I'd begun to wonder whether would ever happen again.  So, even I, who am sort of an Eyesore, reemerged.  I still have down days, of course, but I really do feel as if I have returned to myself.  So, yes, rest, enjoy what you enjoy and have faith that "this too shall pass."  The fact that you're reaching out here shows that your life force is still there, just going through a dormant phase.

[skybox]

Thanks country girl for the hope- good to hear you had a resurgence, and hopefully it will happen here too.

Am sure you are not an eyesore! I cannot bring myself to get a haircut, so hermit style self trimming until I can face the world again!

[skybox]

Had a thought- all those times I desperately needed a rest, compsssion ,recovery, and didn't get it - are all banked up. And that's what's happening now.
From the outside I look normal hopefully, but it's caught up with me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Oh gosh, skybox, that statement hit me like a truck. I'm having autoimmune issues, which I've known have been a thing for me since high school, and which I now know are 99% correlated with all the trauma and it's the body keeping the score. But I said to a dear friend something similar as I'm going through a rather dramatic time of it healthwise, that I feel as though I'm finally safe now and my body just plopped into a puddle because this is the first time it actually COULD. Before it's just been very minor in the background and I've been on top of things and yeah well trauma and stuff it's a thing but you gotta keep on keeping on. And I did. And do. Until I just can't.

[Deborah]

For me it never stopped. Because I fought aspd ex to protect my child. Succeeded. Then collapsed into a puddle as described. And FOO used that to get a hold of my kid. Upon which the drama continued. And I had nothing left for round two. So now we're all stuck with the mess.

I find it real hard to find joy. For me, I also needed a lot of daydream time. Time to just calm down.

When I feel bad...activities that really draw me in help as well. Not efficiency. But dancing. Singing. Petting an animal. Playing with a young child. Creativity. Chatting with a friend. Hugging a mentally disabled child. This kind of needs your full attention and draws you away from the creepy stuff. But in a gentle way. Not by 40 hours a week hardcore career work. I learned to slow down. Recommendation: Momo and the time thieves. 

[Deborah]

.

[skybox]

It's sounds as though I am not the only one - «  a puddle » describes it!
Daydream escapes too - that's familiar! I used to ruminate a lot, but that phase seems to be over thank goodness.
Then fell into some daydreams about having a lovely partner and shared life - but that's over too, with me feeling very foolish.

 And now the limbo.., until something changes.  Counting blessings too, a nice view,bird outside, tea...
Sometimes a friend comments on the usual irritationsof their husbands ( snoring, mess, hypochondria) and I feel overwhelmed with relief, so there's that.
So, here we are are in waiting room, puddles, out of the rain, until we are strong enough to go outside again...