Compassion for my younger self

[bloomie]

Recently, I was faced with the demand that I attend yet another extended in law family gathering/business meeting. These are at least annual. Last time I only attended the latter half where there were many others and I could get lost in the crowd.. or so I thought. 

Within seconds of blowing through the door making quite the entrance my H's sibling, who has made my life quite the misery with whom I have zero contact, was leaning across a table with her nose inches from mine demanding I answer questions she was peppering me with and loudly accusing me of behaving rudely to a family member with mental health issues. 

This year the pressure was on once again and the scheduling email/email thread and all of the blah, blah, blahing that accompanies this came to my email address, not as it should, and usually does, to my H's who is one of the primary partners in this investment group.

I forwarded it all to my H. And I sat with it for a few days. As only my friends here will fully understand, just receiving that email and all of the responses brought a kind of flood of memories, embarrassment from past awful experiences with some of these people, just thinking of things I haven't in a long while.

I was so sad that my younger self kept chasing acceptance, kindness, consideration from the majority these people. In the past I would've been knocked down remembering what I allowed toward myself. But, this time, I could see my younger self with compassion and even a kind of relief that I had continued to show kindness, to not return insult for insult, to not defame them or malign them and to eventually work through a lot of the hurt and, yes, bitterness I held toward them.

I made it very clear to my H that I will never again be a part of these gatherings or any other gatherings. My nervous system simply cannot handle it and I am learning to protect and pay attention to that more and more.

All those baby steps add up, friends! 

[countrygirl]

Hi Bloomie,

I so admire the compassion you have learned to feel for your younger self.  Sometimes people who can feel compassion for others find it difficult to feel compassion for themselves, including for their younger selves, who didn't have the experience of the world which we have acquired along the way.

And of course learning to protect and pay attention to what your "nervous system simply can't handle" results from having compassion for yourself. Congratulations for speaking up for yourself and saying you will not attend any future gatherings with these people. Your description of H's sibling was particularly vivid!  Yikes!

As usual, I feel that I can learn a lot from you. Like so many people, I was taught to push through my feelings and grin and bear it. Doing so results in us having to relearn the compassion for ourselves which we should have had all along. 

[xredshoesx]

i am so proud of you for taking care of healing young bloomie by setting a HUGE boundary with no longer attending these meetings and making yourself a direct target.

your words about being kinder to your younger self really resonate with me today. 

[bloomie]

@xredshoesx and @countrygirl thank you both for your responses. They mean a lot!!

[moglow]

Realizing what it did to you and standing up for younger you, understanding now how important that is - HUGE! Major leap forward, and yet really the result of consistent smaller steps, probably more and longer than you recognize. 

I'm proud and happy for you, Bloomie. Just a huge sigh of relief and smiles for you all around. 

[hhaw]

Bloomie:

It IS destructive to one's Nervous System....
to absorb cruelty, without striking out.  Heck, I think it's more difficult AFTER striking back....at least for me. More dysregulated to my BS than ignoring them.

I hope there's serenity in your decision, Bloomie.  It's ok to protect yourself.