Divorcing diagnosed PPD person after more than 20 years

[Jaymes]

Hello, all

I am 18 months into a divorce proceeding with my ex. In early 2025 I started working with a counselor to help me answer the question of what to do or say when my wife asked me "Are you trying to kill me?" several times. Ultimately she sent a food sample she had stored for 7 months in to a lab where their direction was for her to engage a toxicologist to determine if the sample had been poisoned or if there was cross contamination. She declined to do that and instead called the police and had me removed from my home and separated from my kids.

Many months later I am out in my own place, with 50/50 time with my kids. The police didn't bother to interview me and closed the case. I hired a toxicologist who confirmed nothing in the sample was inconsistent with food and food production.

As part of the proceeding, both of us mutually agreed and were ordered to do forensic mental health evaluations to help the guardian ad litem understand who was credible. As a result, my ex has been officially diagnosed PPD and traits of NPD and BPD.

I had been accused over the course of my marriage of dozens of times of cheating, having molested my daughter, harming my son and finally several instances of trying to kill my ex... None of which are true and all of which have been officially disproved (closed police case, polygraphs, toxicologist, subpoenas etc).

I am here to help try heal and manage what will be on some level a coparenting relationship with this person for a while still. The kids must still live in her bubble of distorted views and I have to figure out how to manage that.

I count myself lucky that I was able to have the evaluations done and have a diagnosis. It helps to get over the "is it me?" but what she tells family and friends is still something shes free to have an opinion about. It also helps the guardian ad litem hopefully come up with a recommendation that will better protect my kids.

I'm interested in connecting with others who have been affected by someone with PPD and sharing how to manage and heal. Unfortunately books like the Eggshells book dont really cover this in detail.

[Tristach]

Hello, Jaymes.

-Thanks for posting that.  I really rings true with me.
-I too have been accused such things by my wife as well.
-That along with sexual assault (wife accused me of it with her and my daughter), abuse, etc. (although I've never been accused of poisoning yet, so ya got me there:)).
-Anyway, keep your head up and what is PPD?  I am VERY aware of BDP but not sure what your wife's diagnosis was.
-Also, you're right, Eggshells is a helpful book as in it helps one find the target, but it doesn't offer a lot in the way of solutions I've found.
-Anyway, thanks for posting and best of luck (those words must ring so hollow at a time like this but honestly you're doing the right thing and you've done a good job dealing with your situation).

Regards,
Nick in Japan

[BreatheDeep]

I am here to help try heal and manage what will be on some level a coparenting relationship with this person for a while still. The kids must still live in her bubble of distorted views and I have to figure out how to manage that.

Unfortunately books like the Eggshells book dont really cover this in detail.

Hi Jaymes, I only have a minute right now, but I wanted to pass this along: If you haven't already, look into Bill Eddy of The High Conflict Institute. He has numerous books, guides, and tons of educational materials. Here are just a few examples:

BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts -- BIFF stands for Brief; Informative; Friendly; Firm. It's a communication method Bill developed that can be amazingly effective.


Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce -- I've read articles on Bill's answer to "but what about the kids?" and he has what is perhaps a surprising approach to addressing parenting/coparenting issues when one parent has a PD. Actually, I believe he calls it "parallel parenting," but I'm not sure if he coined the term.


Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. -- Despite the title, reviews note that this guide also helps when divorcing someone with any personality disorder. I haven't read it - yet. 


Please stick around! This is a great forum with lots of friendly, kind, and supportive people!

[Jaymes]

Hi

So, I have looked at the resources mentioned - the High Conflict Institute and various books. They were helpful in understanding there were things I could do and in fact I have mostly been BIFF since day 1 of this whole fiasco.

PPD is Paranoid Personality Disorder. https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/paranoid-personality-disorder-ppd

There are some great YouTube sessions done by MedCircle with Dr. Ramani Durvasula on what various disorders are but not much on how we as people affected by someone else's disorder can cope.

J