Rough time of year

[Puddle-Duck]

Hello forum. This is my first post here although I have visited as a guest a few times just to read and learn over the past few years.
I Really appreciate the personal stories shared here by others who are suffering with a PD parent especially, as I am a middle-aged daughter of an elderly narcissistic father and deceased mother who never really stood up to him.

It's taken me years to come to understand and distance myself from the deeply hurtful relationship with my father. NPD was not even on my radar until a therapist brought it up. Since that time I've been working on building my ability to recognize, deflect, and distance, but I'm still deeply troubled and hurt and have much to work through for my own well-being. I feel as though my identity as a person is built on a cracked foundation, and can still be made to feel like a small child by my father who was once my hero but who now only brings me pain.
I don't know when or if a person gets over that.

Once I finally saw my father's PD for what it was, and HE realized that I saw him, he essentially caused me a grave amount of trouble and then kicked me out of his life.

We are nearly no contact going on five years now, and only have occasional communication via texts. Even those are always potential landmines and I am caught between wishing I was completely 100% no contact, and worrying that I will regret it once he finally passes away. He's in his 80s now, has cancer, and is starting to show early signs of dementia. None of those things change anything except make it worse because I feel guilty. There are no do-overs after someone dies. We don't get to go back. And yet I want nothing to do with him.

He's now remarried to a woman who enables his behavior while being sweet and friendly to me. I know that she attempts to get information from me in the guise of friendship, which she will inevitably pass along to him, so my contact with her is also very surface level and limited, which is a shame because I actually like her and think we might have been friends in a different life.

I'm struggling pretty hard with this right now, the holiday season is always a painful time for me. Reading other people's stories helps remind me that I'm not crazy, even though the rest of my family thinks I'm at fault, and doesn't see the way he's manipulated me over the years. I am the black sheep, and he has lined them all up against me. It's a lonely road.

So enough of the story for an intro post. I was prompted to participate by writing after an experience with a medical professional gaslighting on the phone this morning which really got me upset and brought the family dynamic up to the surface where I don't like it to be lol. Thanks for reading and best wishes.. 

[bloomie]

Puddle-Duck - welcome to Out of the FOG. You write so well and succinctly I could get a very good sense of the long, steep road the awakening and fallout this relationship with your father and extended family has brought. My heart goes out to you in understanding. I am thankful you have officially joined the community.

I feel as though my identity as a person is built on a cracked foundation, and can still be made to feel like a small child by my father who was once my hero but who now only brings me pain.
I don't know when or if a person gets over that.

This is powerful insight and shows the hard work you have done to get to this level of awareness.

I can only speak from my own experiences, but restoration of the foundation of your identity is possible. Not easy. Not quick in a world that moves with the speed of light and offers results after just a few short weeks, but with intention and a support system, taking things one day at a time, embracing the loss and grief and learning to look to, and believe in, the hope of better in our lives, I have found it is possible to rebuild and reclaim a sense of oneself that is not easily shamed by a father who 'approved' of the version of my child self that was too young to see what was behind my own father's mask and need for adoration.

Some practical things that have been of good help to me have been this community of people who get it in a way like nothing else I have found. I went out and actively found a compassionate and empathetic older person as a mentor who listened and who had personal experiences similar to my own and have navigated them well, for a while a therapist, books, vids, and slowly building community and a family of choice.

Honestly, I just kept going. Through many things that didn't pan out or move me forward to eventually finding a stable place to stand on and from which to build from. So, keep going. You are making such progress even when it doesn't feel like it. You are! And keep coming back as you are able! So glad you are here.