Maybe it's me?

[Peraspera]

Hello to everyone out there,

I found this forum as I've been trying to figure out what's going on in my marriage. I have my own issues and contributions for sure, but have been starting to think that there's maybe something up with my wife along the lines of BPD, with some overlap with obsessive compulsive.

Some background: we met and got married in under a year, been married for a year or so after that. We have a kid on the way. The pace seemed fast to me for sure, but there was some reason for that as we're both on the older side and wanted kids. And there wasn't really a good way to slow it down, even though I maybe should have.

This is complicated, because it's not like I didn't contribute to problems -- but long story short, she has a lot of angry outbursts, and generally takes offense at even things that seem disproportionately minor. Those can be from me or from others. For example, when hosting a party last year it happened to land on a day when there was a severe rain/wind warning and a friend of hers that lives a decent drive away said that they might not come if it was dangerous. Cue a lot of ripping into that person and how she clearly just was making an excuse not to come because the weather didn't look that bad, that she was really selfish, etc. etc. (and you can be sure that would be telling me how stupid I am and how much I clearly don't care about my wife if I didn't go right along). Well what do you know, the friend actually came!

Now on my end, I have certainly hurt my wife's feelings -- in particular she was very uncomfortable hearing about a girl I dated in the past (10+ years ago...) and had a lot of questions about the relationship. I initially took this as curiosity, so I wasn't careful enough about describing it and making sure she knew I didn't see it as some 'lost flame' -- sure it was fine at the time, but it was definitely not a great relationship or 'the one that got away' just because I didn't say I loathed her guts. I don't think it's unreasonable that she was upset by this, but it's extended to two years now where no matter what I say I can't make up for it.

When she gets angry she can say and do some extremely out of line things -- she's only hit me once, but has also pushed me before (multiple times). She's thrown out sentimental objects -- her wedding band, gifts I got her, a gift she got me. She's trashed the apartment (several times she's taken everything out of the closet and dresser and throw it on the floor, and we've gone through two sets of drinking glasses that she's smashed). She's told me she wishes I would blow my head off, that I'm worthless, worst mistake of her life, etc. etc. She's run out in the middle of the night a bunch as well (and then got mad the one time I didn't follow her). She also likes to tell me that I'm belittling her, putting her down, being a bully, etc. Which I'm certainly not intending to do, I don't want her to feel that way -- hence the title.

She's also taken to isolating me from my family. They haven't been wonderful to her by any means, but I don't agree that they've ever really been rude (my parents at least), but she's taken to calling them evil and we're no-contact with them as a result. I have my own problems with them certainly (not least of which is that they don't really seem concerned for me? Just mad. I haven't really told them what's going on I guess). Nevermind friends -- she decided early on that she never wanted to meet any of them (and me meeting them on my own is a definite no).

Hobbies are also a definite no -- I used to be relatively active running, not socially but by myself. I also had a couple of crafts I liked to do. We never shared those and it's not like I thought they wouldn't need to be reduced in the relationship, but I very quickly stopped doing them entirely and it's been over a year since I've done any of them. And any time I bring up that I'd like to start running again occasionally it turns into a huge fight about how I didn't bring it up tactfully enough and remember that one time where I was running on the treadmill and ignored that she was clearly unhappy, etc. That she tried so much to sacrifice for my hobby (by getting up an hour early... 4 times before I decided it wasn't worth the negative impact on her sleep). She has no hobbies of her own, and seemingly no desire to cultivate any (she actually gets really angry that people have suggested that to her in the past).

I guess I'm not sure what to do at this point -- I love her very much, and she's also pregnant and I'm not leaving her like that. So I certainly want to make it work. But I envision another year, 5, 10 of this and I don't really think I could take it. I wish I had taken things a bit slower and stuck by some boundaries so that this could have maybe worked out differently.

Glad to find the group. I've only been here a short time but it's been very comforting.

[xredshoesx]

I am sorry you found yourself here because of the situation with your wife, however reaching out is brave and maybe a first step for you to decide what this relationship will look like/sound like/ feel like after the baby comes.

there is a tremendous amount of support here for people who are making a conscious choice (for whatever reason) to stay and I hope you have checked out that area of the forum as well, in addition to reading about boundaries which may give you some ideas on what your non -negotiables have to be to keep both you and  the little one safe when they are part of the picture.

Comitted to Working On It


https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

my concern for you is that you mentioned that you have been hit in the relationship.  have you seen the MOSAIC method web site??? it helps you to see what kind of things to be looking for that might trigger worse behavior.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  Getting ready to become a parent should be an exciting time for you and your spouse.   sending you strength and continued courage.   we're listening when you are ready to share more.

[bloomie]

Peraspera - adding another warm welcome to you! I am thankful you reached out, but so sorry for the confusion and angst you are experiencing in your marriage.

It seems like a good time to think through the atmosphere in your home with dishes/glasses breaking, shoving, isolation from others and moves to block independence and even pursuing healthy habits and interests. Bringing a child into this level of uncertainty is daunting, I imagine.

Would your wife be willing to work with a neutral 3rd party to assess how best to establish agreement and goals for how you both want your relationship and parenting to look like? If she is not willing, would you be willing to find local, in person support and help for yourself?

I ask, because given the behaviors your describe experiencing when your wife is distraught and destabilized I have concerns for overall safety for you all.

A clarifying point... it is good to see our own stuff that contributes to difficulties in our relationships as you have stated, but no matter the mistakes, misunderstanding or misspeaking we do it is never, ever justification for someone to behave abusively and destructively.

Figuring out what is ours to do can be tricky when we are often labeled "the problem". Believe me I so get it, but showing yourself some grace and compassion and then living in that space as you find the best way forward is worth thinking through.

Make good use of the toolbox above and join the conversations taking place on the forum boards!