"The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us..." Gavin de Becker

[Rachael H]

Everyone should read this book. I rarely (ever?) have made such an unequivocal statement about a book but this is really a life saving book. For young women in particular.

On Sandpiper's recommendation I got a copy of this book which is by a security expert who had the most abusive childhood with a disordered parent but turned his hypervigilence and acute awareness of possible danger into a business that advises politicians and stars as well as ordinary people on personal security. Sandpiper was pointing out that my MILs behaviour was on his list of warning signs of potential violent intent. In this case psychological violence.

He recounts a true story of a woman who lets a stranger help her in her apartment block even after she says, No thanks I'm OK. Here is an adapted version of the story,

April's plane was late getting into the Nairobi airport. It was well past 10 pm when the taxi dropped her at her hotel. She was tired, yet declined the bellhop's help as she struggled into the elevator and down the hall with her heavy bags.  Her shoulder strap slipped, spilling the contents onto the floor.  Just then, a friendly young man came around the corner from the direction of her room,  "Let me give you a hand."

"No, no thanks, I've got it"

"You don't look like you've got it. What room are you going to?"

She paused before answering. "Just around the corner, but I'm okay, really."

By this time his hands were full of a collection of April's things. "No worries, I'm just meeting friends so give me that, you look tired. I know what its like to have a tough day too. " He reached out and tugged on one of her heavier bags.

She repeated, "No thanks, I'm really fine. I've got it."

Still holding onto her bag, he said, "Too proud to accept help?"

For a moment, April held onto her bag, but then she let go. This relatively harmless interaction between April and this friendly, helpful stranger indicated a willingness to trust him. And by ignoring her better judgement she gave over control.

As she came to her door, she opened it and said, "Thank you so much! I'll take it from here."

"Hey we can leave the door open, I'll just set these bags down in your closet. Then I promise I'll leave."

She let him in, but he didn't leave......

(Adapted from Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals..., Gavin DeBecker, Dell Publishing 1997).

I just think this book is great, eye opening and revealing. I want all teenage girls on the planet to read it! But also it is interesting from a PD analysis point of view. I think his list of warning signs that someone may be manipulating you into a violent situation are true for psychological violence not just physical assault or muggings and con tricks.

He really emphasises listening to your instincts, pointing out a) something must have triggered them and b) they have your wellbeing in mind. I love this about the book. Trusting that niggling voice which says something is not right and then not giving a damn about appearing rude to anyone just following could save your life. Or with PDs it could save your mental health.

These are his pre-incident (of violence) indicators...

• Forced teaming: Predators use strategies to create an immediate sense of trust; often giving a sense that "we're in the same boat." It's hard to rebuff this without feeling rude.
• Charm: DeBecker warns women to think of charm as a verb, rather than a personality trait. Ask yourself, "Is this person trying to charm me?" People who want to control others almost always present an image of niceness in the beginning. He suggests that women learn to rebuff unsolicited offers of help, even though it goes against their social conditioning to be warm, responsive and open.He says being nice is not the same as being good.
• Too many details: People who want to deceive often use lots of extra details in order to support the lie that they are telling. The details serve to distract you from the truth – he is a stranger who approached you and you are vulnerable.
• Typecasting: Often a predator will make a slightly critical comment hoping that his victim will feel pressure to prove that it is not true. In April's case she had to show that she wasn't "too proud" to accept help.
• Loan Sharking: Perhaps one of the most telling signs is when the predator works to put his victim in his debt. If you owe him something, it becomes harder to ask him to leave you alone. This is why offers to help are one of the most common opening gambits for a predator.
• Unsolicited promise: A promise is solely designed to convince us of intention.  When you receive such a promise, ask yourself, "Why does this person need to convince me?" The reason is usually because the predator can see that you have doubts. Some part of you is rightly troubled by the encounter.
• Refusing to respect no: Perhaps the most universal signal is the refusal to take no for an answer. In April's case, he discounted her refusal of help several times. With strangers, DeBecker urges women to never relent or negotiate on the issue of "no" because it sets the stage for more efforts to control.  The worst thing you can do is give ever weakening refusals and then give in. Don't negotiate, don't explain. Picture yourself, strongly & firmly, standing with your hand up, saying no, I don't need your help.

Does anyone want to have a discussion about these indicators and the importance of trusting intuition?

[hhaw]

Minerva:

I really like this book.

Some public libraries have it on tape or cd, which is great.  I check it out and listen every so many years, and always feel like I pick something new up as my situation changes.

hhaw

[whispers2moon]

I completely agree.  I have given it to several teen girls hoping they can be smarter and safer than I was.  I was struck by the realization that most girls in this country are still being raised to appease and be nice.  I decided when I read this book I would take the title of b*itch proudly if that is what I was called for saying and meaning NO the first time without explanation or appology.

[Rachael H]

I had abadge on my bag when I was younger which said " I am not A bitch, I am The bitch and that's Ms Bitch to you".

What I found interesting in this book was the emphasis on trusting instincts and not worrying about what others think if you feel something is wrong. I used to travel home from London late at night by train sometimes, I'd sit in the carriage next to the guards van as I knew someone would be there and if a guy got on the carriage who creeped me out I would just get up and move. I had friends who would never do that in case the person thought they were being rude. That just makes me want to yell at them! How can women anywhere think being a bit rude somehow overrides being safe? My daughters will never be raised to think that. Never, never, never.

The other thing that struck me reading the book was how many of the pre-incident indicators of physical violence/theft/mugging or whatever also apply to psychological violence.

My MIL does all these things. But she has never been violent. She has a well of suppressed rage but her intention when applying these tactics is to manoeuvre us into a position where she can exert her will over us. These pre-incident predictors highlight how a manipulative person can move you into accepting their will over you which may well mean violence or robbery or may mean some psychological power play of some sort.

[gary]

I had abadge on my bag when I was younger which said " I am not A bitch, I am The bitch and that's Ms Bitch to you".

Predators are great mathematicians. They are also either very wise or just plain lazy because they will always go after the weakest prey...they expend less energy that way.

It runs all through the animal kingdom and with humans as well. We have all seen the documentaries of the lion going after the small or wounded gazelle in the herd even though it has the size and strength to take whatever one it wants.......less energy.

A largemouth bass will swim through a school of 1000 minnows to get to the one that is sick or wounded because it's easier to kill.....less energyeven though it's 300 times bigger than anyone them. It's why they make fishing lures to mimic a wounded minnow.

So look strong, walk and act strong and talk strong. Project the picture that if you want me your gonna have to do a whole lotta work to get it.

[sunsquarepluto]

Huh, there's a perk of being raised by my Hermit mother that I never thought about. Avoiding dangerous situations has always been easy for me.

Recently while dining out a man sitting at a table facing me raised his iPhone and pointed its camera at me. I immediately shielded my face with a napkin and told him from behind the screen to please stop photographing me. Apparently he was just checking his email; he showed me his phone for proof. I told him to be more careful of where he points his phone in the future if he wants to avoid looking like a creeper. There are web sites where men exchange photos of women in public places for each other to masturbate over.

Honestly, anyone who would think that that was a rude thing to do is either a regular contributor to Creepshots themselves or just seriously does not understand that living as a woman in our world basically means coping with the threat of violence every day. Or both.

[Moon Shadow]

Loved that book, and highly recommend it!

MS

[musiclover]

I remember reading that Ted Bundy used the tactic of pretending he needed help. At times he would put his arm in a sling and ask a young woman for help. Before he went to the electric chair he claimed to have murdered hundreds of women. Sorry to write such a horrible story, but the author is correct in my opinion...listen to your intuition

[SolarFlare]

Really good book.

[Moon Shadow]

When I was a "cute young thing" in my youth in Chicago, I rode the train downtown to work every day and walked many blocks to the office.  Got my fair share of whistles and such (oh, how I wish they would now!   ) and also was a "bum magnet". I have had bums cross the street from their corner begging space,  just to try to follow me.   I walked with big strides, held my purse tightly and the few times I was actually in a position where I had to respond to them, it was always very confrontational.  I would stare them down and say "get out of my way" and plunge along.

Now that I live in a smaller city far far away from the big metropolis, I still am very mindful of my surroundings.  I check the parking lot before heading for my car, get in and instantly lock the door behind me. If I want to fluff my hair, etc, I often leave that parking space and drive elsewhere to stop again.  I carry a cross body bag and hold the strap.   I walk fast and don't fuss with the phone, etc. and am mindful of everything around me. 

Plus I made up my mind long ago, and especially after reading that book, to take the "hit" and try to run, fight back, drive my car into a wall if they are in the backseat with a gun to my head - and never, never get in their cars willingly - drop to dead weight, scratch bite, take the bullet before getting into their car - because if they are moving ya, they are killing ya.

And always, always listen to your gut.  I always listen to it.   Sometimes my gut will just tell me to drive down a different street that day, and I do.  Never argue with your basic instinct.  It's what's kept us alive for thousands of years.

Moon Shadow

[workingonit]

I agree Moon Shadow.  Those are good tips. I've never read the book, but I've heard those defense tactics long ago and follow them, or would follow them.  I also pay attention to if a car has been behind me too long, especially if I'm nearing home. There have been a few times I kept driving, or pulled over to let them pass.  And it's never escaped my mind to drive my car right to the police station if there was a concern.

Also, I've always remembered the recommendation to yell 'Fire', instead of 'help'. Because people might not come if you yell help.   . But I bet the assailant knows that too and he might run if you yell fire.

Years ago, I was still a student, and I was at the mall late at night when it was closing. I had a few bags and almost no one was left there, plus my car was parked far from the entrance.  I walked straight to security and asked for an escort to my car.  Those morons tried to make me feel silly for asking for someone to walk me to my car.  I don't remember what they said, but it was meant to make me feel stupid.  I said back, 'I can't believe you are trying to make me feel odd for asking for an escort to my car.  I'm a small woman in an empty parking lot late at night and you all should be concerned for my safety, not mocking me.  Now one of you get up and walk me out to my car'. Idiots!

Not only trust your instincts, but demand that you and other appropriate people go along with them.

[Moon Shadow]

workingonit -

Good for you for   asking for an escort to your car and for insisting on it. Those guys were jerks!

Years ago I was at school taking a class that got out at 9 pm.  My car was also parked far away.  I asked a male student if he wouldn't mind walking me to my car and he was glad to do it.

I don't think we should live our lives fearfully - but safely....

Moon Shadow

[gary]

Glad you all are talking about this and maybe we could even have a section of safety tips in our Glossary we can refer folks to.

Most people walk either looking straight ahead or with their head down and aren't aware of what or who may be on either side, behind or even above them.

Same with driving. Most aren't aware if the same car has been behind them for that last half hr or if the headlight configuration at night has been the same for miles and after each turn.

Most people just open doors and walk right into a business or even at home and differant rooms in their homes without doing just a real quick scan of what or who may be inside that room.

I got so lucky when I was a cop because I was chosen to go to several extra criminal investigation courses in differant universities and one was on surveillance and was taught by a CIA agent.

Was taught all sorts of things about surveillance and not being caught and to know if you yourself are being followed or not and how to even if you are.

One funny thing at the very beginning of the 2 week course was to take 2 days and get familiar with the city we were in and how they normally dress in that city and that at 8am on the corner of so and so this agent was going to be on that corner for town minutes and the was going to just take off walking  for 2 hrs and then do it again for another team of 2 of us and we were to follow him and not get busted. That at the end of that exercise he was going to point out who we were and where he went and even provide photos of us trying to follow him.

Here is how I got busted and would be good to remember if your being followed.  he walked into a large building downtown and walked up to the elevator and got in and the doors closed. There were stairs on each side of the elevator so we thought we will just wait a couple steps down those stairs and wait for him to come down the elevator and continue following him. Well in just a couple minutes here he comes walking UP the stairs and we were busted....The mind just kinda assumes if you are getting into an elevator that you are going up...he went down.It was that simple.

Just of interest it takes 6 cars to do a proper surveillance of another car. 2 behind that keep leap frogging each other and 2 the next street over to the left and 2 more a street over on the right. They will also trade places with each other and at night they have cars where they can flip a switch and change the headlight configuration to make it look like its a differant car  so the one they are following doesn't get wise to it.

[Moon Shadow]

Good advice, Gary, and we all need it!  Please tell us more! Thanks!

When I am out in the evening, or whenever I leave my house - my dog has free roam of the house.  If I should ever come home and open my door, and he doesn't greet me, I would not go in any further, because he always is there at the door, wagging his tail.   Whether he was just sick or had been hurt by a bad guy, I wouldn't go in my house.   By the way, my neighbor's dog was shot by burglars in the daytime hours when they broke in.

The other thing I do is take my dog and go room to room when I get home after dark, checking closets, behind shower curtains, etc.  Somebody could easily jump out and grab me, but I figure the dog might try to help me, versus me NOT checking and having somebody be in a closet waiting for me to go to bed.  I have a very large house and there are lots of places to hide.    We have had a bad rash of burglaries in my neighborhood the past couple of years.  It's kind of an 'upscale" neighborhood and it has been targeted.  Daytime break ins, sometimes when the folks are home!   My neighbors know that I am a widow and live alone, but I don't broadcast that information to workers who come to the house and things like that.

As I said earlier, it's no good to run around paranoid and frightened all the time, but the distinguishing factor between being victimized or not is often just being aware. 

Moon Shadow

[workingonit]

When I am out in the evening, or whenever I leave my house - my dog has free roam of the house.  If I should ever come home and open my door, and he doesn't greet me, I would not go in any further, because he always is there at the door, wagging his tail.   Whether he was just sick or had been hurt by a bad guy, I wouldn't go in my house.   

Me too.  I don't check the house though cause my dog would be going insane barking if anyone was in here.  He won't even allow our friends into the house without barking at them constantly.

I'm also lucky to have very vigilant neighbors. Most work at home, we all know eachother, and we all keep an eye on things.

[gary]

Daytime burglaries have been popular for a long time because neighboors don't think it's unusual to see a pick up or van in a driveway.

The two things that burglars hate and the best enemies of burglars are light and noise. No burglar is going to hand around if all of a sudden the whole house and yard lights up and it sounds like all heel is braking loose.

If anyone gets an alarm system get a good one that doesn't go off every time it rains. For one it becomes the boy who called wolf and you'll piss off the neighboors and be charged if the cops gotta roll on a false alarm too much.

For your safety it's not important to catch the burglar because of a silent alarm. They will eventually be caught.

Some one mentioned to trust your gut feeling and that is very true. I'll tell ya a story that saved my life because I trusted my gut. Will try and make it short.

At this time I had transferred to the Crime Scene Unit. My uniform was pretty much dark blue khakis with a white cloth name tag kinda like swat wears so it didn't really stand out as a cop uniform. It was meant to get into some nasty situations. We had just got a new crime scene van and the lettering had not been put on it yet so it looked like a normal white van.

I'm was on call 24/7 and was sitting in the far corner facing the door at a Mr. Donut Shop having coffee at about 2am. Sitting across from me at this wrap around counter was an off duty cop in plain clothes with his back to the door.

Then this really strange guy walked in and just stood there. he has hair about 2 ft long and had that Charles Manson kinda look with weird eyes and he started looking around and the notices my badge. He turned around and walked out which looked strange so I got up and followed him out. He was walking up a dead end street along side the donut shop so I got in the van and started to catch up with him knowing I was going to stop him and ask some questions. Then all of a sudden he turned and was right at my window before I could even get out. Ya never want to be in that situation where they are out there and you are confined. So I slowly got my gun out and had it by my side and started asking him his name and address. We are only 6 inches apart face to face but me inside.

All of a sudden this huge rush came over me to get the hell away from this person and I told him to go ahead and take off. He then started walking down the main street and I ran his name and addy that came back bogus but I knew I was going to stop him again anyway but under my terms. I called for backup and when I saw them coming I hit my top lights and tapped my siren and I got out and told him to stop right there. He had his back to me about 15 feet away and he pulled something out of his belt and threw it up onto a lawn. I told back up to watch him while I went to see what it was.

It was a 12 inch chefs knife. I started burning and walked back and just grabbed him and took him to the ground cuffed him and then showed the other backup what I found.

Took him down town and started taking a statement and that's when he told me his plan.

He said he went to McDonald's first to kill everyone inside but there were only about 6 people there when he noticed Mr Donut had about 15 so he walked across the street because there were more people to kill at the donut shop but when he got inside noticed me sitting there so he was going to go outside and wait till I left then go back in and start slicing people up. That off duty cop with his back to the door would have probably been the first to get it.

Then he leaned over real close from across the table I was interviewing him at and smiled and said. You remember when I was at the window of your van...I had that knife in my hand to my side and I was just getting ready to cut your throat when a feeling came over me that you may have your gun out and shoot me so I didn't follow through and you told me to leave. Then he started laughing.

Got into quite an argument with the assistant states atty because his chicken butt wanted me to let him go because he really hadn't done anything...just said he was going to. Told him to take that up with my boss in the morning but this guy ain't going anywhere.

So long story short...trust you gut..This situation was like 2 gut reactions passing in the night...we both had one.

[Moon Shadow]

Yikes, Gary!
That made me hair stand on end!   Both of you having gut feelings at the same time.  Just think what  might have happened if neither one of you had a feeling.  Blood would have been shed for sure.

I'm guessing that there are so many things that go through the subconscious (reptilian) part of our brains that we just react to and never really know.  An instinct.  And I think along with that subconscious "gut feeling" for our safety, there is also a subconscious attraction to some people, physically and emotionally, and aversion to others.

So, while we "think" we are just walking around on a nice, sunny day - our deeper levels of our brain might be ticking things off, over and over again.

Amazing.
MS

[gary]

I meet my sisters almost every Friday night for dinner at differant places and sometimes I may be the last one to get there and the chair is not facing the door. i try and sit there and then I start to fidget and get real nervous and I'll stand up and just say, "You know I can't sit here like this." and one of them will trade places. You would think by now they would know and sometimes they make fun and snicker..they just don't know and it kinda pisses me off sometimes because it's real.

[Derelict]

I meet my sisters almost every Friday night for dinner at differant places and sometimes I may be the last one to get there and the chair is not facing the door. i try and sit there and then I start to fidget and get real nervous and I'll stand up and just say, "You know I can't sit here like this." and one of them will trade places. You would think by now they would know and sometimes they make fun and snicker..they just don't know and it kinda pisses me off sometimes because it's real.

I think this is a great example of something. It took me a while to get an angle but here it is.

All our education. All our learning. All the time we spend around people over decades. Yet we still are pi$$poor at finding out the detail about how to be good around each other and actually know it is good.

How to know what is good about each other seems like everyone is always ignoring it. Like "bad" is more fun or something.

When you think on this it goes deep.  Most humans you know probably think the subject itself too boring or something - like the "issues" are better T.V. shows.

Weird to me.

Are we more "entertainment addicted" than making everyone feel included? And is this all good, to the senses, just so long as we are not the one in the fryer?

We're into humour here - and I can be pretty certain you know someone who can't help but laugh at someone elses misfortune. When you think on that some humour is very PD with a free ticket. Like if it can be made funny it is all good - just because the sacrifice cheered up so many as a trade off.

The PD of funny!

[gary]

I forget the actually footage. I think it's around 15 to 27 feet or something like that. But the way it works is if a person is standing at that distance with a knife already out...and you are standing there with your gun in your holster.....your dead meat because most people can cover that distance and be at you before you can draw and pull the trigger.

This was 6 inch's away. I can't see where they could find any humor ever on this one but they do.