Golden Child and Scapegoat during the divorce

[calculon]

Any advice out there on handling the golden child during the divorce?  The GC still thinks the NPD mom is the best thing in the world.  In reality she has bullied the scapegoat and manipulated the GC into thinking that all is true about the scapegoat.  I see my great child in the GC, but its like the NPD mother wants the golden child's relationship with the scapegoat to be exactly like the mothers to the scapegoat.  Add to that the parentification that the mother is putting onto the GC and I fear the GC may need more counseling than the scapegoat before it is all said and done.
The only silver lining so far is that the scapegoat has gotten out from under the NPD mother and is blossoming.  I feel that the scpaegoat has been saved.  Now, how to help the goldenchild? 

[escapingman]

How did you get on with this? I am having exactly the same problem with npd wife, golden child and scape goat. I am still in the relationship though but close to getting out.

[JustKeepTrying]

To be candid, I wasn't sure what you were talking about at first.  It felt a little whos on first kind of thing.  Then after several reads, I understood.  I hope I can help because it would help me.

My GC (as ordained by my OCPDxh) is completely in the fog when it comes to him.  I on the other hand, as the one who left, am evil and tolerated.

The scapegoat is Out of the FOG and trying hard to go NC with their father.

The Middle child who is a scapegoat one day and a golden child the next is financially dependent on their father.  So I stay away from that.

Here is my suggestion - there's not much you can do.  If adult, then the GC is in the fog. If a child, they don't understand yet.  Until they emerge and can deal on their own, all you can do is love and support and let them know you will be there.  If they are adults, like mine, be direct and honest without piling on.  If younger, be vague yet let them know you love them.

I hope this helps and would be interesting to hear other's opinions.

[pushit]

escapingman - please share a little more info.  Are your kids grown up and out of the house, or are they still living with you?  How old?

I could share my experience with elementary age kids, but will wait until I know if it will be useful.

[escapingman]

Pushit - I have 2 kids approaching their teen years. The younger one scapegoated and the other one the golden child. uNPDw  behaves like GC is her best friend, put her on a pedestal and they bully SG together - GC not knowing whats going on of course but loves all the attention received. Yesterday it all kicked off again, the 3 of them sat in the playroom with GC and NPD doing jigsaws and SG doing some art. SG hates when NPD sings, so NPD sings all the time, as you would imagine. Both NPD and GC kept singing until SG left the room to go and be on her own in the lounge. GC then followed her and got in to the lounge and started singing, SG losing it of course storming out. I go in to tell GC off, and she laughs ans smirks as she knows she will be backed by NPD. I am trying my best to do my MC and ignore it but sometimes I just have had enough so says loudly why does she and NDP have to bully SG all the time. NPD hears this and confronts me, long arguments, circular of course, I try to explain, pointless of course, so I have to remove myself and go and sit in another room. The following hour she is in and out ranting about everything, I bought the wrong cheese which she is not letting go off, I bought the cheaper one and she needed the one that was slightly more expensive (if I had bought the more expensive one she would have had a go for spending to much money on the cheese). Ends up with shouting at me to leave the house, I am making her life miserable, she has apparently given up everything for me (she doesnt work but is pretty good at spending the money I bring in).

Sorry for rant, but after the first fog cleared I can see what she is and I am feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach that I have spent to much time with her.

[Free2Bme]

calculon,

I have had a front row seat to this drama with my sons, one is GC the other SG.  It is very sad.  I have no sage words of wisdom but I would mirror what Justkeeptrying said, very insightful. 

There is some literature that suggests the SG actually fairs better in the long run than the GC.  However, a lot depends upon particular family dynamics.  So it's anyone's guess.

All you can do is focus on cultivating the best relationship you can with both SG & GC.  Don't bash NPD mom, but don't sugar coat it either. When my young adult children come to me with some crazy thing their F said/did, my go-to response is "Well, that's what your dad does.  How does that make you feel?  What do you think about that?"  Try to get them to process.

Keep the line of communication open with you and be there for them when it hit's the fan.

[pushit]

My oldest (D10, 8 at time of divorce) is the GC.  Lots of creepy enmeshment going on.  Mom sleeps in her bed every night, D10 tells me they have "secrets" that no one else should know about, mom shares way too much with her about her work struggles so D10 is more of a friend than a child, etc.

My situation is unique, as there is no defined scapegoat, though D8 is sort of the forgotten child and is pushed to be a carbon copy of D10.  Same activities, same expectations at school, etc.  The two girls have very different personalities.  D10 is highly intellectual and aloof, at times she has acted like no one exists but her.  D8 is extremely empathic, I worry more about her being taken advantage of by people later in life.  The third, S5, is neither a SG or GC like D8.  Just having some issues with my ex not recognizing that life isn't all about D10, the boy needs some activities too.

At the beginning of the divorce, and for awhile after, my exPDw pulled off a good act of mother of the year.  Particularly with D10.  I remember getting frustrated about D10 proclaiming how she hates her time with me, how mom's house is so much better.  Over time, the sheen has worn off at mom's house.  Mom has changed her story a lot, been caught in some lies, and D10 is seeing through things a little even though she doesn't say it.  D10 and I have a much better relationship just two years later, all I did was sit back and let exPDw do the work for me while I remained honest and consistent.  It's been almost a year since I've heard "yay, no more nights at dad's house!!"

One of the best things I ever did was give each kid the opportunity for private one on one talks with dad at bedtime.  Anytime they ask, if there's time, we kick the other two out and chat.  I believe in telling them the truth, age appropriate of course.  I'm honest, speak about mom positively, but if they're getting different stories from the two of us and questioning my intentions I will back up my side with proof if necessary.  A lot of the time it's not even about mom or the divorce, just about life and the questions kids have.  But it's gone a long way with them, just knowing that dad is available and will give honest answers.

The other thing I think I've done right is not playing into the game of trying to win their love.  I'm their dad, not their friend.  I keep my boundaries with them, make sure they know priorities (homework first, then extracurriculars, then fun), don't buy extravagant gifts, etc.  I view parenting as a job to teach them, not do it for them.  One funny example of that is I require my girls to make their sandwiches for lunch and make their own breakfast (easy stuff like microwave pancakes).  They used to complain since they don't have to at mom's house, but now our mornings are pretty seamless.  They just make their own stuff and we get on with the day.  The bonus of that approach is they have developed self confidence through competence.

The best advice I can give is just be honest and consistent, and never bash mom.  And remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.  You'll have a lot of frustrating days when the kids seem to hate you, but hold your head high and they'll eventually come around.

[JustKeepTrying]

Here is an added bit - consider counseling for each child.  There excellent therapists who specialize in children.  Tell your ex you want them to see a counselor to help them adjust to the divorce.  Tell the counselor in the confidence of your ex's diagnosis.  I did this for my DS at the age of 15 before I left and we were just dealing with living with him.  He has consistently seen that same counselor since then and I found that it has been helpful.  Nice to have someone they can talk to outside of the family.  Beware though, it takes time to develop trust before the kids talk.  My DS's therapist has really worked with him on developing coping skills. 

[pushit]

Excellent suggestion by JustKeepTrying.  Therapy has helped my kids a lot, and that is without any known diagnosis for my exPDw.  It gives the kids a neutral third party to talk to which is great.

Making the therapists aware of your wife's diagnosis will greatly help them help your kids.  In my case the therapists have seen enough behavior from my ex to get an understanding that something is off, that combined with me being stable and easy to work with has clued them in to where the problems lie. 

Make sure to take the approach that the therapists are there for the kids, not to sort out issues between parents.  Always remain objective and don't try and turn it into you versus your wife, any good therapist won't put up with that.