"Escape from Freedom" by Eric Fromm

[Afterthefox]

I have just enjoyed discovering a book which addresses directly and indirectly the issues that are discussed in this forum.

Escape from Freedom by Eric Fromm was written before such terms as codependence and personality disorder became popular. Therefore he describes relationship dysfunction in the very base terms of symbiosis, sadism and masochism.

He writes that both sadists and masochists use 'symbiotic' dysfunctional behavior as a way to avoid the fear of their responsibility of becoming truly aware of themselves as separate individuals. The sadist gains strength and the illusion of power by dominating and consuming a subordinate, and needs a masochist to supply him/her with the self-esteem he needs to be able to tolerate his fear of individuality. The masochist gains relief from his/her 'burden of freedom' or fear of responsibility by submitting his/her sense of self to another. He/she needs the sadist in order to avoid the fear of powerlessness and isolation.

Fromm argues that both mechanisms are defenses against the responsibility we face of becoming a complete, self-reliant individual - one who is able to stand alone as a functional member of society, who gains esteem healthily from their loving relationships, and pride in their work. He promotes the cure of individuation - taking responsibility for one's life by the cultivation of self-determination.

He relates the tendency towards our obsession with these power mechanisms to the human tendency to establish institutions, in the broadest sense of the word. Out of fear of our own impotence and insignificance, we attach ourselves to a sense of authority and a sense of stability outside of ourselves, usually in the form of our parents, partners, and/or social/political/religious leaders. In a lot of masochist cases, (and largely through conditioning by a sadist) our own conscience becomes the institution which assumes a 'inhibitive' authority over our personal freedom to be an individual - the masochist has been manipulated to enforce his own persecution through an obsession with his/her own powerlessness.

Both tendencies have the same result which is an inability to truly master oneself, to truly become an individual. Fromm wishes for such people to face with courage the prospect of unmoderated inner freedom that is our birthright in order to be able to live a healthy life of unhindered self-reliance, self-expression and spontaneity. He suggests that true power is to be found in our inner potency, and is not reliant on external influences.

I just wanted to share these ideas and to see if anyone has thoughts on this.

[lifeline]

Sounds like a very interesting book.  I can relate in ways.  I considered myself a bit of a masochist in my younger years.  Living with my uNh for the last decade and a half has actually granted me a great deal of introspect and healing on this aspect.

Lately I hear often from him that I am 'not who I used to be' in his eyes.  I suspect at the inception of my relationship with him I was still quite masochistic, and codependent.  As I explored myself and healed from my past traumas, I found myself asserting my individuality more an more.

Hence my present day situation of constant turmoil between me and my dominant uNh.

I hope to one day have the chance to read this work of literature.

Thanks for sharing!

[ChristinaK]

I haven't read the book but would be most interested to read it. For those who do play/live with the roles of 'submissive' and 'dominant' it is a very difficult thesis since to criticize what happens in those relationships is referred to as 'kink shaming.' They don't want to go too far into thinking about the psychology of their desires and behaviors.

Personally, I think it is necessary to determine if the relationship brings them happiness. There are people in the role of 'Dominant' who take their role very seriously and having a more defined relationship can bring those participants much happiness and joy. Submissives can revel in the attention and care afforded them and potentially reach their true potential in all ways under the care of a loving Dominant.

That said, it seems to me that personality disorders are quite prevalent in the BDSM space. The rigidity of some 'dominants', the need for 'rules' together with moodiness suggest they may suffer with OCPD issues. Narcissism is rife.

A 'submissive', perfectly well able to function in all other aspects of life, can find herself (or himself) exhibiting Caretaker qualities for the Dominant. My strongest suspicion is that, wittingly or unwittingly, the Dominant "trains" the submissive that she (or he) should respond to his needs, moods and desires instinctively. This is a direct road to fulfilling the Caretaker role in many cases.

From what I have seen and experienced, the notion that these relationships may relate to issues with not being a self-reliant individual rings true.