Am I living with a covert narcissist and not knowing it?

[Foreignwoman]

Today we had a fight and it hit me: I can't go on like this. There are things I never talk about that bother me, this is wearing me down and making me sad. I am an introvert so I keep things to myself a lot. The main feeling I have is that I'm not feeling happy. The things he says to me when we're fighting are hurting me.
Examples:

He screams: ' See what you've made me do!' Then I say: 'You chose to scream at me'. He go's:' You made me scream'.
Sigh. I say: 'When are you taking responsibility for your actions'. He says I was poorly raised. I say: 'That's true, but I work very hard in therapy to improve myself'.
He says: 'Your not trustworthy'. I say: 'Well, that's a feeling you have, it's nothing I can control, I do trust myself though'.
His finger pointing at me screaming:' Listen to me, listen to me! Listen to me! I say: 'I'm not your child, your not my father.'

Maybe it's nothing, but sometimes I think I'm living with a covert narcissist. He never has my back, he is about appearances, he leaves me deprived of intimacy. I have to initiate talks, things to do, intimacy.
He sweeps important things under the carpet and is very flat in his affects.
Am I living with a covert narcissist and not knowing it?
I'm confused and sad.

Any thoughts?

FW

[kat63]

Sounds like it to me, only because it sounds exactly like someone I'm married to, and my therapist who saw us together and then him alone says he is a narcissist, but I think mostly covert. I'm not one for telling him how I really feel, I also keep to myself, so that makes it difficult. I have to initiate hard conversations about the state of our marriage which he chooses to go on like we are some happy couple when I've repeatedly told him how unhappy I am....
I have learned he does not care about how I feel.
I as well have always felt he's never had my back, and he would throw his whole family under a bus, as long as he looked good or stayed in a good light with....complete strangers! or anyone who might see him negatively.  It can leave you very confused, empty and yes extremely sad. Therapy has helped me see the light of his crazy ways, and slowly come Out of the FOG. Try a good therapist, its helping me speak up and tell him things that hurt. But, it doesn't seem to matter to him, so make sure you do good things for yourself.

[coyote]

FW,
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. One thing you can do is you can look at Common Traits/Behaviors in the toolbox. While we can't diagnose here if it walks, swims, quacks like a duck it might be a duck.

Next I would study the Toolbox for Setting Boundaries, JADE, Circular Conversations, 3C's, and Medium Chill. These are tools that have helped me immensely with my uPPDw.

I see how you would be confused and sad after such an argument. These go rounds can be really draining for us nons. Please know we are all here for you though; you are not alone.

[kavetra]

Sounds just like my now husband who I YESTERDAY filed for divorce. My husband is a covert Nar as well. I cant like like this anymore and further more I have a 4 year old that I don't want to think this is the way families is suppose to be, men is suppose to behave, relationships is suppose to be.  My husband was never physically violent but he raged cursed me, so of course this means you have to walk on egg shells, he responds to EVERY situation with anger. Either he is emotionless or angry. Gas lighting, addicted to Porn, Alcoholic (though high functioning), intimacy anorexic, no affection, couldn't talk about anything serious he would get mad, avoid, or shut down so nothing is ever resolved. Always made promises to change, get help, go to AA but it was just ALL talk he did none of it or a half hearted effort at best that never last. Absolutely no reciprocity so that made the relationship feel like WORK. The final straw was when after my own therapy and 12 step Codependency recovery I finally started trying to open up with stuff that was vulnerable to me, but that information in his hands became a weapon to blame me for everything.  That was freakin it for me.  A few months of heart ache, relationship trauma bond withdrawl is WAY BETTER than year after year after year of a miserable commitment.  I had enough. I deserve better.

[Foreignwoman]

Thank you guys!

Interesting what you all wrote. Yesterday he wrote an email to me where he apologised. Sincerely I might add. When he came home he invited me to talk about it! I was happily surprised. I explained to him that I think he has traits of a covert narcissist and he listened. He agreed that it is better to just say it when he's scared, and not rage at me to disguise his anxiety. So that went well. He seriously scratched his head when I let him know how I felt and was his sweet self again. I really think this was genuine, my gut feeling says he's getting it. Of course time will tell if this is going to last, I think me putting clear boundaries helps a lot. I think a lot of people have traits of a narcissist when in an argument and that to me was very confusing.

Thanks again lovely people,

FW

[kaz]

I think a lot of people have traits of a narcissist when in an argument and that to me was very confusing.

True, when you look at the characteristics associated with a personality disorder, we all have some traits of each. An example is Dependent Personality Disorder. Someone with a disorder has a mental illness associated with dependence. At the same time, we all have some traits we carry related to dependency personality characteristics. The bar is high when it comes to a personality disorder diagnosis vs someone just having issues to work with. Co-dependency is related to DPD, but not as extreme. while some people depend on people in a healthy way. So there is a continuum ... DPD .... codependecy .... healthy dependent personality characteristics. To each their own.

[coyote]

FW,
I am so glad it went well for you. PD is a spectrum disorder and folks can show narcissist traits without being PD. Whatever the case I totally agree with you that boundaries are the key. You are awesome.

[Foreignwoman]

Thanks again folks, for taking the time to think about this issue together.

I thought it was heartfelt when he said to me: 'You're still as trustworthy as the bank of Switzerland'.
That reassured me that the feeling I have about myself is true. I do feel I can trust myself, also with putting boundaries, even when my initial reaction is to hide from feeling hurt and say nothing. I asked him if he noticed his anger goes from 0 to 10 and that an appropriate thing would be starting being annoyed at 2, then irritated at 4 maybe, and when we are both irritated we can leave it at 4 and don't have to go to 10, which is much more damaging IMO.

Thanks for the encouragement to come out of my shell and allow myself to grow.

FW

[reachedmylimit]

This Spartan Life Coach video opened my eyes to being with a CovertN

http://spartanlifecoach.com/20-signs-you-are-with-a-covert-narcissist/

Opened 'em REAL WIDE.

[Babysteps]

Great video, thsnk you reached my limit, I always wondered what that term meant and it helps a lot of things make sense. My unXN played the pity role of tortured soul - "I am so insecure, so less than, such a total victim."  It also explains how he would make such a show of helping others even though he would complain bitterly about doing it (but only to me, in private). He would also apologize constantly but he explained to me once that he would apologize and admit fault because "that's what people want" and it would get them off his back. So yes, perhaps he is covert!

As far as your situation foreignwoman, time will tell. If he's an N you will see the cycles. Hope he's not, for your sake.

Regards,

Babysteps
Babysteps

[kaz]

The video was helpful to me also. I have the benefit of a diagnosis with my exNPD/HPD. She's overt. No question. Recently, I have been having to deal with MIL regarding grandparent visitation because ex is no contact with DS. I was grounded in my understanding that MIL has a PD but hadn't dissected it because it doesn't matter much to me and I don't have a diagnosis. Clearly, to me, MIL is undiagnosed covert narcissist. I can see the difference between covert/overt clearly on my end - because I have one of each to deal with when it comes to my son. eeks, at least I understand better now regarding MIL. It wasn't the same PD in my gut, but similarities. The video cleared it all up here. Eyes open real wide.

[CreativeCat]

Hi, I know this post is old but I found it when I searched for 'covert'. I've just realised my husband fits the description of a CN and it is (partly) why my head has been spinning for the past 10 years.

I just wondered how you're getting on FW?