I needed this ...

[grateful]

Hello, late December my niece came over to celebrate the holidays and catch up.  While I had been so looking forward to her and my brother and a couple of others visit I had just come off of a particularly challenging day with my 36 year old, undiagnosed PD daughter.   My niece saw my distress in less guarded moments and we ended up having this wonderful enlightening conversation that led me here to Out of the FOG.  My daughter is actually a step daughter from my dear late husband.  When I met him many years ago I knew he came as a package with a little girl that was the prettiest little thing I had ever set eyes on.  I made a very deliberate and conscious decision to make her my own too and love the both of them forever.  I know I have been a very good step mother and have been true to my decision.  When her father passed away 7 years ago her treatment of me didn't grow more harsh, it has always been severe, just the frequency of her attacks have increased and i am also more frequently blindsided not knowing how I could have avoided it.  i have felt quite alone at times and rarely engage with my other family members around the situation unless my daughter starts making a case with the others to validate whatever it is that I have done wrong lately.   Fast forward and for the first time since these episodes started about 24 years ago i set a boundary, I decided on no contact, indefinitely.  It did not take long for the smear campaign to start but frankly when I finally shared with the closest members of my family what I was doing and why they have been supportive and not critical.  They all see it but we have also adapted to her bad behavior and they did not realize the extent of what she was putting me through.   i miss her terribly but something new and fresh is emerging in my own psyche, some kind of release, as sense of being let out of a cage (aka Out of the FOG).  I don't really know where I go from here but will take it one day at a time and welcome any advice or feedback.   

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum grateful,

i'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband, and for the long road you've been down with your daughter.   my stepmom is a better parent to me then either of my biological parents and i met her when i was an adult.  i'm sorry your daughter did not appreciate you in that same way.

in your situation NC makes sense because with the loss of your husband, she really does not have a reason to engage with you if she doesn't want a healthy and loving relationship- so the attempts she's made do seem abusive towards you, at least in my opinion.  i only hope time will help you heal further from what's already passed between you and that you can continue to get support here and from your friends and family as well.

how close is she to her other family members?  is she the same with your husband's ex?  does she manipulate them as well?  asking to see if we can find some good articles for you in the toolbox-  hope to hear from you soon, i'll leave the general toolbox link so you can explore a little on your own if you feel comfortable-

Toolbox     

we have a community board specfically for parents of adult children who may be PD/uPD.  please do check it out

Parents' Discussion

be gentle with yourself.  her responses do not indicate you failed as a parent or did not try hard enough.  in my experience, i found that sometimes with a PD/uPD there is never enough no matter what you do or how much you compromise or give of yourself-