"Farewell Sex"??

[Scythe]

Background is that I told possibly-mildly-BPD husband I want a divorce about a week and a half ago. Since then, we've consulted with a mediator together and have spoken to our mortgage lender and several other real estate professionals about what to do with our joint mortgage. He's had at least four or five different friends over at different times to help him start sorting through and packing his stuff. I officially filed his acceptance of service yesterday to start our 90-day waiting period.

He just handed me this handwritten note saying that he's not comfortable discussing this verbally in person, but that the only way he can truly say goodbye to me for good and get closure on this chapter of his life is to have a 24-48 hour getaway or time period in which we can have sex for the last time(s). He cited an excerpt of his "How to Stop Hurting the Woman You Love" book and also a YourTango internet article about how men express their emotions through sex.

Now, our bedroom has been dead for months now, and our sex life before that was mediocre to poor, because my codependency killed my libido by always putting his wants and needs above mine. I am ridiculously shocked by this request, and I don't surprise easily. The answer is absolutely no. I have zero desire to ever be sexually intimate with him again. It would be rape no matter how I framed it. I'm just confused as to why he thought it was a possibility in the first place. The note is written in a way that pretty much assumes the answer will be yes. He also asks for optional "non-identifying photos" (nude pictures without my face in them), but he does admit that I might be uncomfortable with that request.

We're going to be living in our house together for the next 90 days, minimum. He wants at least 90 more days after that, because he has a lot of belongings here to deal with, as well as a lot of repairs to make to the basement to undo the damage he did using it as a hobby building workshop. He also has nowhere to go yet. All of this to say that I worry what my refusal may trigger as far as retribution during the time we're forced to live together. I do have a couple places I could go, but we both want me to keep the house, so I can't appear to abandon it. I could assume the loan early and evict him, at least after the divorce is final. But I wouldn't want someone to do that to me if I needed more time, so I don't want to do that to him.

[GentleSoul]

Goodness me!!  I am so sorry he has pulled this stunt. I am shocked too. 

"The only way he can truly say goodbye and get closure". What a load of rubbish. Manipulation in the extreme.  Pics too!  What? How dare he.

I hope you find a way to get unhooked from his abuse and insanity.  Sending you empathy and hugs.

[Starboard Song]

You are certainly already talking to your own attorney. I'd sure hope you could get out of the house without appearing to abandon it in any legal sense. A lawyer can tell you whether a letter of intent, for instance, is sufficient to make it clear that you are only leaving temporarily to give him privacy in the home until he can leave.

Good luck to you.

We guys are a little stupid about sex. But you should never ever do anything that you are not comfortable with.

And the pictures request, by the way, is truly over the top.

[Spygirl]

This is so difficult to go thru. I am sorry. I am not suprised at the requests at all. Its a manipultaion. My Stbxh did some stuff of many types. An early one was to stay overnite at my place sometimes when we were still trying to work out our marriage. He would complain the next morning because he was

Uncomfortable in a different place
Our pets were on the bed
Mattress was too hard.
He would snoop for whatever.....
He would expect to be sexually serviced(nope)

After the 3rd nite over a months' time, i finally said no more sleep overs. When he protested i repeated his complaints and framed it as i did not want his job to suffer because of poor sleep. He asked maybe 3 more times to stay with me, ( i was not allowed to stay at our marital hm) and then gave up. Shortly after i cut off visits to my hm.

Imo, perhaps you could offer to help get his items out with professional movers? Maybe pay for 2 months storage? That eliminates the excuse to keep hanging around, and you would be "helping him". having a separate place and privacy is so important to healing and clarity.

I dont have anything to add about the sex beyond what the others mentioned, but my libido died in my marriage because of my PD's
Behavior as well. I was pressured for photos early in the marriage, but would not allow it. I am so glad now. They would have been weaponized. I was astonished that my libido started to come back after being out 6 months.
Stress i suppose. So there is that maybe some uears from now.

[Starboard Song]

I just got outraged on your behalf again.

What emotion, exactly, does he propose to communicate via sex?!? The "I want a divorce" emotion?!?

Good lord. There are days I want to deny my Y chromosome.

[all4peace]

In my reading/listening, it's pretty normal for a man to seek emotional connection through sex. Regardless of your stbx's reasons, you of course are allowed to deny his requests and live with a sense of safety and security. The request for photos is in my opinion totally out of line. You've been given good advice and I hope for your sake that your DH stays calm and decent in this transition time.

[GentleSoul]

He would expect to be sexually serviced

And there it is!  I needed to see this phrase.  Accurate.

Thank you. 

[Hattie]

This is truly odd. BPDs can act very strange when a separation is imminent.

I think you are right to be concerned about his reaction when you say no. I concur with the poster who said you should seek to get him out of the house ASAP. I get that you want to be fair to him but does he really need a few months? You need to feel safe and it is ok for you to make that your first priority.

With my ex, I ended up putting all his stuff in storage myself and paying for a month's rent on the storage container.  He'd already moved out ( into his new girlfriend's house) but had left a load of crap behind. I felt like I needed him out properly to feel safe and rebuild my life.

[Scythe]

I told him no today. He seemed okay enough: He was just worried about not making things worse between us. So I said we could forget it ever happened. He said something noncommittal, like he'll try his best to manage without it. My family doesn't like that we live together, either. They think it allows him to be in denial about the relationship actually being over. He has kind of "protested too much" about how he's definitely not going to try to get back together with me.

[GentleSoul]

Glad to read your update, Scythe, that there was no unpleasant backlash from him.  I hope you are soon able to be free of this situation.

[Spygirl]

Yay,

At least you wont have to deal with that until he is out of the house. Less pressure on you is better. Good job setting a boundry, it is not easy with PDs.

[Littleblondie1983]

I realise this isn't a new post but just thought i'd let you know. My husband who I left 6 weeks ago it's asked me for 'one last night together' which I'm pretty sure means sex. I said no. I hope your situation is improving. Are you still living together? Take care. X

[Frankie14]

I don't mean to be flip, but just when I think I have heard or seen it all ... this is a new one...you are separating and asking for a divorce and they want to have 24-48 hours of s. e. x...

Wow.

Littleblondie - sorry about your situation, 'one last night together'     I can't ..

Scythe - hope you are doing well all things considered and I seriously jumped out of my chair when I read you initial post..

[openskyblue]

Moving out does not automatically equal abandoning your home. I had to leave my home very suddenly, but left behind a lawyer-drafted letter stating that I was not abandoning the asset of my home, and that was fine. Given the creepiness of your stbx, 90 days under the same roof sounds like it would be beyond challenging.

Moving out for the separation period seems like it would pass muster if your decision was challenged later. I think you are well within bounds to tell any judge that you felt unsafe in your home with your stbx, given the sexual service "request" -- and nude picture request. (I mean, seriously!) Also, you might want to start talking over with your lawyer getting the ball rolling on selling the house, getting an agreement hammered out for that either through a lawyer or mediator. It's been my experience (and that of many here) that mediation is pretty much an inclusive and expensive  long shot with a PD in denial.

[Scythe]

Came back to the forums to rant about his smear campaign, but I'll give this a brief update, too. A few weeks ago, he offered me money for his requests: over 6 grand, to pay for brain treatments for my depression that I can't afford myself. He doesn't have the money, either, but he can save it up over a few months. He said since the depression has me so numbed to sex, emotions, attraction, etc. that it won't "damage" me further, and it'll just be a transaction. He gets what he needs, and I get what I need. He does have a point: I don't feel anything anymore. He just continually keeps disrespecting my "no"s when they go against what he wants.

A week or two after that, he also asked me to stay married on paper and live together as roommates, with him paying me rent, so we could both afford to get the help we need. Then he admitted that he'd like us to get back together for real after we were both feeling better, but he supposedly also understood that that might not happen, and he said his main goal was for me to get better, not for us to get back together. (His smear campaign is based on how mentally and emotionally broken I am, and how that's where my divorce decision is coming from, not because I'm an overly rational and logical decision maker and a divorce would be the best thing for me regardless.) Living together is fine when he's not trying to negotiate and re-negotiate with me. If he were worth staying married to, he'd respect my decisions and accept no as an answer.

[Spygirl]

OMG!

you must be furious! I think i would be speechless if my h had attempted that line with me. Wow. You know, he still has the full ability to address his sexual needs alone. He could also find "professional" help, rather than making excuses to keep abusing you.

I am SO happy you got away from all that. Maybe very LC is an option for you?
He is a real piece of wk.

For me, anytime i have to speak or see my stbxh i am exhausted and depressed. That last 2 months, its been almost no contact, and wonderful. I feel like a human being now. I am getting excited for it to all end in another 2 months and be free. I am wishing you peace and freedom as well. My depression syarted to go away after i got away from my horrible marriage.

[littlepeach]

I know that this thread is probably dead, but I wanted to share a similar story that I had with my ex-boyfriend. Basically he was the type of guy that always goes to parties and prefers to stay with his friends instead of his girlfriend, but I wanted to be understanding and not condemn him for his behavior. One day a friend of mine that was at one of those parties, told me that about how he cheated on me with another girl. I couldn't believe him and when he got home I told him that we have to break up, after which he told me that he wants to have farewell sex without a condom. I refused but he started to blackmail me with nudes, I was too young and stupid at that time so I accepted.

[hhaw]

If you sleep with him, he'll likely have the divorce thrown out.  I know, bc my ASPD did that to me, all the while promising to give me an easy divorce, not destroy me, etc.

It's all a game...pushing your boundaries, making you appear unsure to your family and the court. 

I'm not gonna lie.  You're in a pickle staying in the same house with him.  The games and tricks.....empty promises....will likely escalate.  He intends to change your NO into a YES.

He's always managed it in the past.  He has you thinking about it. 

Calm yourself.  Know everything He says is meant to weaken your position in court and strengthen his.  He'll likely never keep his end of any bargain, knowing you'd always keep yours.

It's time to put solid boundaries in place regarding his access to you.

Limit it or completely end it as you can.

You owe him nothing.

It's time to save yourself and end the divorce more quickly for both your sakes.

He doesn't believe the divorce will happen.

What dies your gut say about how he'll handle it when it comes?

Stay safe.  Give him nothing.  Zero time, information, opportunity to manufacture Chad, for that's his goal.

Hide the things you care about most..,,GET them out of the house, and put locks between your spaces.

Good luck,

[Jsinjin]

This is terrible to read.  I feel for you and m so sorry that this man is such an a$$.  This is not only crass, it is unreasonable and devaluing of you as a human being.   You should be shocked, simply state no, do not JADE on this and continue with your process through the mediation and legal professionals.   Get away from him and stay away from the sickening manipulation.  You are valuable, your intimate relationships should only be with a person you love and who loves and respects you and isn't manipulative and his memory can be the same crass fantasy that any sick individual can have in their imagination but should not be something that you give him.   

Thoughts and prayers, I believe in you and I'm sorry you are in a situation with him because he is a jerkface.

[JustKeepTrying]

I would like to say I'm shocked but my OCPDxh asked for the same.  Fortunately, we weren't living together.

Scythe,
You need to talk to your lawyer.  You need to be direct and even if embarrassed, tell him what your spouse said and is doing.  Perhaps there is something to be done to speed everything up - or options for you to either move him sooner or you leave temporarily.

Keep your boundary.  Don't give in.  It would be rape.  This is emotional manipulation.  I am sending you support from afar.