Does My Family Member Have a PD?

[Nalle]

Hi!  I'm new here, been looking for some support because I feel so incredibly stressed out and emotionally drained by recent events within my family.  I wanted to check if my family member truly has a PD or if I am simply behaving wrongly.

All throughout my life, until I became 16, I've had a great relationship with my Aunt, who has been like a mother to me and raised me since my mother could not, and my dad would not.  We were always extremely close and were very alike in terms of our hobbies and personality.

However, since I turned 16, things have went downhill fast. She has always had a bad temper, stemming from negative experiences in the past (such as an abusive, possessive boyfriend). These experiences caused her to drop out of school early, and she often feels disappointed with her life now - no job, stuck in a small town, etc. When I turned 16, I began dating someone long distance. My Aunt would always get mad at me for texting my partner on the phone. She'd always tell me any activity - be it grocery shopping or taking public transport - was 'family time' and I should not be on the phone. This is when our real arguments started.

Then I turned 17. I moved out to go to university. My political opinions changed. I no longer wanted to attend the same church my Auntie went to. When I tried to tell my Aunt I would like to go to another church as I feel unhappy at the one she goes to, she shouted at me, telling me I could not go to another church because I'd then be leaving my family behind and betraying the members of 'our church', and would not talk to me for the entire day. When I asked my Aunt if I could attend a peaceful political protest in a nearby city, she told me it was not safe and I could not go - when I insisted, she shouted at me, and told me she cares for everyone but no-one cares for her, and kicked me out her house, sending me to my Grandmother's house.

By now, my boyfriend began to visit me. My Aunt told me he could never stay over during Christmas, Easter or during our summer vacation because it was 'family time'. During these holidays, if I texted my boyfriend too much, she would shout at me and tell me I am doing everything for my boyfriend, but letting my family down in the process.

In 2018 alone, we've had so many arguments. She kicked me out of her house (and sent me to my grandmother's house) because I had annoyed her so much during an argument. At Christmas, I asked if I could please have a couple of hours' privacy to video call my boyfriend (since we share my bedroom at my Grandmother's house during Christmas), but she interrupted early, telling me it is time for bed.  I immediately left and went into the living room to continue the call so my Aunt could go to sleep. This triggered my Aunt, who began shouting, accused me of being 'as selfish' as another family member and then stormed out of my Grandmother's house, refusing to stay for the rest of the Christmas holidays.

Then, already in 2019, she has fallen out with me. Since I cannot see my boyfriend (of almost 4 years now) often due to 'family time' restrictions, I see him during some of my university holidays. I had two weeks off in spring, so I decided to go to him. My Aunt found out that I would not be back in time for Mother's Day. I left her a box of chocolates and a card, and said that I would be back on the 6th of April for my Grandmother's birthday, and I could treat her to dinner then instead. My Aunt raged at me and now hasn't talked to me properly in about a month, stating once again that she cares about everyone but no one cares about her.  I also heard her lamenting over the phone to my Grandmother, stating that she regrets raising me, and the fact that I will not be there for Mother's Day is a 'slap in the face' to her after all she has done for me.  Now it is Mother's Day, I've been told that my Aunt will probably not accept my card and chocolates, and also told not to phone my Aunt today by my Gran.

Throughout this time, my Aunt keeps lamenting how she wants me to be like I was when I was a child again, and how much she misses those days. I honestly feel I am constantly walking on eggshells with her all the time, fearing when she will explode at me and accuse me of being selfish and uncaring, after which she will not talk to me for days or even weeks. It's stressing me about more than university currently.

I feel guilty of even attempting to question if my Aunt is narcissistic, because she has always been so kind to me throughout my life, until I began to gain some independence. Is my Aunt narcissistic? Am I in the wrong? Please help me to make sense of what is going on, because this relationship is starting to truly strain me mentally.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum,

no one here can say if your aunt has a PD or not- only a medical professional can make a diagnosis like that.  what the group can do is give you coping strategies and supports so you can navigate a relationship with someone that seems very difficult to get along with.

in my experience with my uPD mother, there is a golden zone (for her it was kids between 11-13) where she could be super fun, etc but once the teen struggles hit and me and stepsiblings started putting forth any kind of independence it was like night and day different in how we were treated-  basically once anyone showed any need to be independent or different than her, she became very cruel, pegged us against one another, and eventually discarded us for younger kids who weren't even in the family until they too aged out of the golden zone. 

some good places to check out first are the toolbox and the dealing with PD relatives sections.  since your aunt is like a parent to you, it would make sense to check this part out
Dealing with PD Parents


Toolbox     

you shouldn't have to remain a child forever to maintain a relationship with anyone.  i'm glad you are reaching out and hope to see you on the boards soon.

[coyote]

Just wanted to add my welcome. Everything reshoes says si spot on and I am glad you found us.

[Zippydog]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is very confusing and disorienting. I would say, any time you feel guilty about a relationship for just being yourself, that is a toxic situation. You have been programmed since she started raising you, to be submissive, to not have any opinions or needs, and to be a satellite and mirror for her. You must take care of yourself and stop being twisted by the comments she makes about you not caring about the family. Hogwash. It is normal and natural for a young person to seek out a partner of her own. Her not wanting that for you is uncaring. So she is just projecting her own feelings and behavior. There is a lot of great information here about boundaries and self-care. Good luck!

[Nalle]

xredshoesx and coyote, thank you for the welcome and advice, I'll take a good look around the website!  And Zippydog, thank you very much for your sympathy.  It makes me feel so good to have people tell me that I should not feel guilty, because I am constantly told otherwise.  I hope this forum can help me relieve some of the mental strain this relationship is causing me.

[qcdlvl]

Welcome!

you shouldn't have to remain a child forever to maintain a relationship with anyone. 

  It is normal and natural for you to individuate, seek out your own "tribe" and seek out a partner and want to spend time with him, it's not selfish. It is uncaring and selfish to want you to continue to live the life of a child so that you can be at your aunt's beck and call.
Sometimes people help others in order to gain some control over them, from trivial things to big things like taking in a minor and then wanting to dictate her life. I don't know if that's what your aunt intended, but she sounds extremely controlling so maybe it's something to think about.