Discarded by Narc Mother

[Twinkletoes88]

Since learning my mother has NPD in therapy I've read nearly everything published about narcissists.  I like to think I am pretty knowledgeable – at least on a logical level – and understand many of the terms and behaviors etc, but apparently when the narcissist in question is someone close to you, like your mother, you can still be blinded to many things that you would "understand" if you were looking at someone else's narcissist. 

Over the years I have read  loads of articles about the idolise – devalue – discard cycle. I never really felt that it applied to me because nearly everything I read was written about romantic relationships, so it was different. I read it all but I guess because it didn't feel relevant to me, I kinda skim-read bits and bobs and went on my way...

Until I find myself upset recently that my mother seems to have totally given up trying with me. I've posted a bit recently (sorry if that is annoying – it seems to come in fits and starts).  I posted that it was my birthday and that she gave my card to my grandmother to give me rather than asking to see me herself.  She's not bothered to text me like she used to and it has been 3 months now since we saw each-other, which was due to my initiating for mother's day.  I have felt weird about this and in therapy this week I told my T that it feels really strange.  I said I feel like a hypocrite because I don't want to see her particularly, but her absolute lack of interest in me hurts. It feels like a rejection I suppose and it has made me feel uncomfortable.  I admit that I cried Monday nearly all day at work (in the toilets) and felt another wave of grief take over me following my birthday and her disinterest. Her and my sister actually.  I felt really sad – I am better now, but it was tough. I felt dissapointed and a loss.

And then I got into bed last night and I realised – I am being/have been discarded!!!

I have been back on Google searching up "discarded by narcissist" today and yep – I've been discarded and I am relieved to read that I am one of many, many people who feels hurt by this despite not actually wanting to be a narc's plaything. That's a relief.   

I guess she's bored now and she's decided I am not worth her effort or time.  She's given up trying to get me back into her orbit and I guess I've maintained my boundaries for long enough now that she's no choice but to adhere to them, but rather than do that (because it doesn't' serve her), she's gone completely.  It is literally the case that I am no longer of any use to her. I am not giving her any attention/supply. 

Despite it all it is still shocking to me.  Just like that she's gone – no interest in me or my life.  No interest in how I am.. what I am doing.. how my marriage is, how my stepchildren are, how my infertility struggle is.. nothing.  NO interest whatsoever.  I am irrelevant to her.

I guess this is a new stage to my healing journey and with it comes a fresh bout of grief.  The image that comes to mind for me today is a cat that had a mouse which it played around with, picked up/put down and has now discarded in the corner somewhere with it fighting for its life. May sound a bit dramatic, but that's the image.  Maybe my mother has found a new toy, she had a habit of becoming BFFs with women my age and dangling them in front of me when I was growing up.  At least now I won't be there to see it I suppose. 

Sorry for the long message. Partly I wanted to write here for comfort from people who will understand, but also partly in case anyone else is experiencing the weird feelings this discard brings – you are not alone.  I get it. 

I suppose deep down I still hoped she wanted me and that the distance between us was because of me - on my terms - when really, that is not the case at all.  The "relationship" between us was never about me at all.

[Amadahy]

Hi TT88,
I'm so sorry for your grief. I was so proud of myself when my brain realized my Nmom was incapable of loving me.. it took 2 years more for my heart to get and it hurt deep enough to catapult me into therapy.

I am now low contact w Nmom and practice grey rock and medium chill.  If she didn't have dementia, she'd probably not be satisfied with that, but as it is the superficial relationship seems just fine to her while it is terribly unsatisfying for me. 

All to say, I am so sorry. Many of us here know the crushing grief you feel. I'm glad you're in therapy and have a lovely FOC. Gentle hugs and deep peace to you.

[all4peace]

Twinkletoes, I am so sorry for the deep pain and grief of your loss. It does feel strange to grieve and hurt over something we've been trying to get away from anyway, but I think we are often grieving what we never had, hurting over what we hope they will start fighting for (a relationship), and so when we're truly discarded it's like we have to finally come to face the fact that it is very likely over.

I believe it can help to grieve it as if it were a death, because in some ways it's even worse than death. Someone is CHOOSING to not have relationship with us, their child. For me, I had to run, cry and punch out a lot of anger and tears over the course of months to years. It comes in waves. It helped me to stop fighting that and let it work its way through. Sometimes it feels like the grieving would never stop, but it doesn't last forever.

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi all4peace, nice to see your name - I hope you are doing okay.

I absolutely agree with everything you said. I've been grieving the loss and it has felt like a death in many, many ways - like you say, the things we've missed out on and the things that could have been etc.  I've been grieving on and off for nearly 5 years now in therapy with my T but this is like a brand new "stage" if you like. 

I feel like things are much more manageable than I ever have before but that is only because I have come through so much of this grief and pain and I'm still here and surviving so I know I can do it. Still, it sucks though huh?



Amadahy: thank you for your message. 

I went NC with my mother for 6 months and then went VLC with her for the last 14 months.  Like you, I was prepared to have a LC "relationship" with her even though it felt empty and superficial and I had to also practice grey rock and medium chill BUT it seems my mother has different ideas and it seems that isn't working for her so she is totally discarding me instaed!!!

Thank you for understanding the pain of it all - it is so reassuring knowing people here really do understand, this isn't the sort of thing you can talk to your average friend or colleague about is it? 

Thank you for the hugs xx

[blacksheep7]

Hi TT88

I'm so sorry as it is very painful to be rejected.

I understand your grief as the others, been there, done that.  It is very hard to accept that our Mother is Not interested in us.....much pain.  How come?  What did I do?   After all the research, reading and on this forum we finally understand that it is not us that is not lovable, still, it's tough to swallow.

Your M did/does not give you attention, mine quite the opposite which you would think is love, oh boy.... I got fooled.   She is a covertN with bpd traits and needed supply especially since she NF died.  I was single at the time and gave her all my attention and slept at her house for nearly five days even though I live 10 minutes away.  I felt sorry for her because she was alone and I understood what it was losing someone.

It didn't last long.  I got swept in her victim mode and drama with the family.  I wasn't giving her what she wanted, like calling her every day which I had done for a while after NF died.   She is Superficial, the news, the Gossip, the weather.  Could be in a super high mood and then another day go waify on us.  She would always ask me about my exs, wanted me to be her bff, aarrgh I Did Not Want.
I had 40 years behind me with many red flags that remained in my memory.

Never protected us from NF rages and still defends him telling us we were at fault, in our teens...we acted out slighty.  Now I understand why, we had no proper love or attention (nurtured).  But we are expected to be there for her today, no is not an answer.  She wouldn't  tell me up front, I'd hear it from FMsis.

She discarded me which is the end result, like you.  They sorely lack empathy, it's all about them.  She once told me that since  I didn't want to talk to her, vlc, she didn't call.  Gosh, they are like 12 year olds.  Not a Mother/Parent.

It took me a good two years to go through the whole process of accepting, grieving and healing.

All things must pass   It will get better.

[FugitiveDaughter]

I just posted about this above and then I found this post... OMG can I relate or what! It is very painful and I hope I can figure out how to get over it. First I have to get over the feeling that it is something that I did or was wrong with me for her to not accept me. I am slowly getting past that but it still hurts!

[Tribe16]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling the sting of this.

This is what I'm going through now. This started for me about 6 months ago. Mom has been caregiving for Dad and I don't know if she's snapped because of stress but I am finding out so much by researching narc and BPD behavior. Mom has always been a martyr and control freak, but it wasn't really bad (for me anyway). I am the oldest, I'm the one that has helped out with stuff - I really haven't dwelled on my childhood too much until all these uncomfortable feelings started coming up when my mom started criticizing me, devaluing my experiences, saying really horrible things, and when challenged about that said sarcastic things like "Oh, I was just the worst mother wasn't I?" or "You just had a horrible rotten childhood didn't you?" or the popular "I did the best I could". She hasn't called me in months, I try to call my dad once a week. I stopped calling the house phone (mom) because she won't pick up. It's gotten to where she stopped telling me she loved me the few times dad handed the phone off to her and she won't like any of my FB or IG posts anymore. This is just weird.

Then this past week she posted a gushy facebook post about how much she loves her family and tagged everybody but me of course. Sooooo passive aggressive! I have been feeling like the scapegoat for her generally miserable disposition, and now I'm chopped liver. I started therapy 6 weeks ago because of the feelings that are coming up. Today I told my therapist I don't want to be like mom and give her the silent treatment but rejection HURTS. Therapist said I wouldn't be - mom is giving me the silent treatment to punish me - I would be removing my exposure to her and protecting myself. Two totally different things. I've put mom on the 30 day snooze on FB - I need time to think if I'm really ready to go NC. I may not need to worry about it, because she's decided I'm of no use to her.

[Leonor]

Hi all,

I am feeling this ache right now, so here with you.

My mom discarded me when I said in a joint therapy session that I wouldn't be able to continue to have a relationship with her unless she acknowledged the fact that I had been abused. That's all. Not "unless she apologized" or "unless she totally agreed with me" or even "unless she remembered." Just acknowledge that what I was saying was true for *me*.

She said, "I guess we have nothing to talk about, then," and got up, left the room and drove three hours back to her house an entire state away.

It's been twelve, almost thirteen years, and I haven't heard anything from her or anyone else in my foo, for that matter.

One of my younger cousins (who was in her early 30s at the time) once, once!, sent me a Facebook request. No message or anything. Just a Friend Request. I suspected something was up so I did some research and came across my grandmother's obituary. Clearly, from the prose, my mom wrote it. She's the oldest GC and total Queen BPD, so she's the matriarch of the family. And there's the list of grandchildren ... all 7 of them. But not me. She literally *erased* me from the family records!

Needless to say, I did not accept my cousin's Friend Request.

Before that therapy session, I had been my mother's pet. But literally, too, like I was a favorite doll to dress up and take places and show off and confide in, but also to be set aside and ignored when anything more interesting, like a man or a promotion, came up. And I had no needs, no wants, not even preferences.  My mom was like a spoiled little girl that way, like when children say their toy wants something when really they want something. "Oh, Leonor, you really want to do or say or marry or work at this or that."

I'm trying to be patient with myself as I try to figure out who I am, but it's really disorienting.

It's so, so sad.

On the other hand, hearing from disordered people is just as creepy. My abusive stepfather also sent me a message-less friend request; my BPD sil silently followed me on LinkedIn; and my abusive stepmother sent me a Facebook message ostensibly to apologize and reconnect me with my step-siblings that began -- I kid you not -- "It's your Evil Stepmother"! 

So the discard is so about your mom and nothing at all about you. And if she reaches out again, it will *still* be about her and nothing at all about you.

I would encourage you to use this "free" time to treat yourself with all the gentle, kind, nurturing compassion you can, to really just smother yourself in love and light. You've studied her enough. Now it's time to shower attention on *you*.

[Tribe16]

Oh Leonor. 13 years. I'm so very sorry for you, that is a long time to hurt

I was super triggered by that Facebook post. But I called a good friend yesterday and honestly, she gave me words of encouragement, support and love. I realized sometimes we need to take mothering from those who know how to mother others. I am grateful that I have a good relationship with my kids (and will never take that for granted, ever). I need to look for opportunities to mother others, not in a forceful way but I have a greater compassion to know now what it feels like to be bereft of a functional mother. I'm grateful to have found a place (this forum) where we can circle the wagons so to speak. I'm trying to learn how to exercise self-compassion and speak to myself the way I would to my own children. It's a process isn't it? I'm less than a year into figuring out how to navigate this. It makes me sad that this is the new normal.

Blessings to you Leonor.