I'm feeling guilt a different kind of guilt

[sunnydays]

Hi everyone,

I've been NC a little while now and well supported in therapy. One of the things that has come up for me in learning more about BPD and moms BPD is that I was really lucky that I didn't develop it, or any other personality disorder.

I'm obviously deeply grateful I didn't develop a PD.  I have some things I need to work through but overall it will continue to get better for me. 

I feel almost a type of guilt that I didn't develop BPD after learning how genes and environment play into the development of the disorder.  I get to walk away from this situation.  And while it stinks and it is not fair she wont seek treatment, I feel sorry for her and her continued suffering.  I know that no one wants me to suffer with her.  I don't want to suffer with her.  I guess it's just hard to reconcile these feelings.  Someone I love is suffering, and will suffer more for my going NC.  But I'm feeling better and getting better from NC.

Has anyone else dealt with feelings like these?  Does anyone have any tips or resources?

Thanks 

[theonetoblame]

+1

Survivor guilt is real, I have often reflected on my own experiences in life and wondered how it is possible I'm actually OK. I have a good job, lots of higher education and a wife that loves me. Going NC has meant I don't really have any extended family anymore, but I have found peace with that.

Although I was adopted into a toxic situation with a mother who struggled with unresolved outcomes of childhood sexual abuse, my birth mother also struggled with a mental illness and this led to my apprehension by social services. I have siblings from her, one who is schizophrenic and another who is an alcoholic and becomes BPD/psychotic whenever he drinks, which he does frequently.

How I managed to thread the needle and to survive both my nurture environment and my nature/genetics has often left me puzzled. Like you, I have my wounds and things I need to work through, but I also know from therapy and other education in my life that I'm not PD.

I think the term is 'morbid introspection' for when a person spends excessive time introspecting in an effort to uncover their true nature/problems even if they are fundamentally healthy. The insecurity I have experienced as a result of the above has led to some of this 'morbid introspection' but at the end of the day I could find nothing there. I went so far as to poll the others in my life to make sure I wasn't fooling myself.

The only suggestion I would have is you continue to focus on accepting that you are actually healthy. A trap for me is that when things start to get stressful in my life I still second guess if I'm healthy and responding well, even though I typically do. It is the chronic insecurity and second guessing that seems to cause me the most stress.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, Sunnydays, I have felt pangs of guilt knowing that someone in my family who I still love is suffering due to my act of going NC.  One thing to remember though is that you are not responsible for anyone's happiness. Nobody holds the key to other person's well being.  You may have felt like you were responsible for them or even tried to make their life happy but just realized in the process you sacrificed a bit of who you are as a person and perhaps your loved one still was not happy.   
No Contact is not a punishment we hand out to those we are mad at, nor is it a grudge where we are giving them the silent treatment. You are not lashing out. You are saving yourself mentally and emotionally. You may be taking time to recover from that which has hurt you and to gain healthy perspective.  We owe it to ourselves first to do what we need to be healthy and well. Nobody can do that for us, so we have to do it for ourselves. I suggest to take the focus off what others might be feeling, and focus more on your own healthy status.  In time, you might find you gain a perspective to re-approach this relationship from a position of strength and calmness.  You do not have to though.  Your NC decision is OK. 

[sunnydays]

Wow theonetoblame, you really hit the nail on the head with the things you said!

It took me a long time to be certain I didn't have a PD, because I watched my PD parent be told they had a PD and then deny it happened or not remember it/accept it.  I was frightened that somehow it had been missed or I didn't have the perspective to see I had one.  I was so scared I was hurting people and was unaware as it seemed my mother was.  'Moribid introspection' is a great term, I will look it up.

I can see now my pwBPD projected her diagnosis onto me and there is confusing gaslighting I'm still processing.  The reality is that I have asked to be checked multiple times by professionals for a PD over periods of time, I explain my situation and to many people it's almost meet with a kind laughter that I feel I could have had one.  I've gone through the DSM step by step with psychologists and that really helped.  I explained where I was unsure of my behavior to a diagnostic criteria and we spoke through where my actions I was concerned over actually sat on a diagnostic scale; which was within a normal range of actions/emotions.  I too have resourced people close to me on PD's and said they should never feel afraid to tell me if I am acting this way to tell me or intervene, people felt they could see no similarities, and again almost humorous that I felt there was the potential.

My biggest stress too in most situations is that I am acting in a unhealthy way, I am happy to have therapy to stay on track and I'm growing confidence over time.  Also growing acceptance that just because I might not make the best decision in a situation that this doesn't equate to being unwell.  All people have bad days or make mistakes.  It's been enlightening to learn more about what makes a PD a PD compared to having a bad run in context.

I think you're right.  It is important to focus on being healthy and every bit of evidence I have, including from professionals says that I am. The only evidence I have to the counter is pwBPD's "diagnosis" of me.  I think this is a step in the process of separating myself from the situation, but I am sad and sorry that I get to get better and enjoy my life and someone I love doesn't.

Thanks Blueberry Pancakes.  You're right, I am not responsible for someone else's happiness.  I still do catch myself fantasizing about ways I could help and it's hard to accept I can't.  Thanks for your kind and supportive words.

[theonetoblame]

That's some serious gas lighting your pwBPD laid on you! I have another sibling who has a diagnosis of ADHD but to me is very narcissistic. Amazingly, in a fit of anger one day he started labeling me as narcissistic. Looking back it's laughable, because I have no symptoms of this disorder. It didn't matter though, off I went to read the DSM and engage in the 'morbid introspection' (I think this is the right term, google was ambiguous though).  I spent the time to review my historical behavior in detail to make sure I wasn't crazy.

The goal of his remark was to throw me off balance, which he did. He does, after all, have a phd in clinical psychology... didn't stop him from chronically cheating on his wife and leaving her for their neighbor when she was pregnant. Apparently he thought it inappropriate that I, in any way, take issue with the behavior... cuz, you know, he's bloody perfect.

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi everyone,

I've been NC a little while now and well supported in therapy. One of the things that has come up for me in learning more about BPD and moms BPD is that I was really lucky that I didn't develop it, or any other personality disorder.

I'm obviously deeply grateful I didn't develop a PD.  I have some things I need to work through but overall it will continue to get better for me. 

I feel almost a type of guilt that I didn't develop BPD after learning how genes and environment play into the development of the disorder.  I get to walk away from this situation.  And while it stinks and it is not fair she wont seek treatment, I feel sorry for her and her continued suffering.  I know that no one wants me to suffer with her.  I don't want to suffer with her.  I guess it's just hard to reconcile these feelings.  Someone I love is suffering, and will suffer more for my going NC.  But I'm feeling better and getting better from NC.

Has anyone else dealt with feelings like these?  Does anyone have any tips or resources?

Thanks 

I can absolutely relate to this. I said to T once that I felt narcissistic and big-headed but that I felt I had grown up and away from my dysfunctional family and their toxicity. I said I felt more powerful in a way (as in, no longer able to be manipulated by them or made to feel pathetic or insecure etc). It sounds awful saying it out loud but I now feel more emotionally intelligent and mentally healthier than them and sometimes I feel rather sad for her that they won't ever be able to see their dysfunction or heal.

Sorry I don't really have the answers of how to help but I just wanted to say you aren't alone. Also remember that we've done it on our own and so they could have/could still do the same. My mother (narcissist) would not consider therapy in a million years, she is so against it and blames my therapist for brainwashing me against her...... eye roll.

[sunnydays]

Thanks twinkletoes88, it does help to know I'm not alone in these feelings.  It's not an everyday situation for many people and it's hard to find people who could relate.  I'm starting to feel more internally robust as time goes on too.