My thoughts on Loneliness.

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My thoughts on Loneliness.
« on: May 11, 2020, 02:11:24 AM »
One of the key parts of my recovery has been studying and gaining practice in emotional literacy. I've literally gone one by one through dozens of emotions, trying to understand what they really are and how to feel them.

The emotion I'm currently processing is loneliness. And it's an interesting one because I've never really been able to put a finger on it. I spent many days and nights by myself, and didn't feel lonely. And then I've spent many nights with lots of people, yet felt very lonely.

What I realized is that loneliness is the feeling of not being connected or being able to relate on topics or ideas. Loneliness to me is feeling like I'm the only person in the world who is going through something and having no one to share it with.

I noticed it last night when I was thinking about the reality of my mother. I got very lonely but not because I missed her; I don't. I got very lonely because I felt like no one understood my situation. Then I made a post on Reddit and texted a friend and once I felt understood, the loneliness passed.

Same thing today. I was having difficulty with something. I went to my online help group and recieved help and advice. Again, the lonliness past.

This also explains why I felt so lonely as a child even though I was around people. Those people didn't understand me and I didn't like them. They didn't enjoy the things I enjoyed or have the beliefs I had. It was incredibly lonesome and isolating. I didn't realize this just now, but for 30 days a couple years ago I drove around the Pacific Northwest. I didn't know what I connected to out there, but I found out now I connected to the open and empty spaces. The loneliness of that and the lack of connection out there was something I felt for a long time.

Anyway, now I'm starting to connect in a healthy way to myself, to others, and to the world around me. No singular person or singular event will cure my loneliness. For me loneliness is cured step by step, making more and more connections that are genuine and real. The more I can relate to people in a healthy way, the less lonely I will feel in the more I can enjoy life


Associate of Daniel

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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2020, 02:46:36 AM »
This is interesting, newlife33, and good on you for working through it.

I've never been one to need company to feel happy or content or validated etc..  I seem to get along with myself fairly well.  :bigwink:

I don't say that as a judgment upon anyone.  It's just an observation about myself.

I don't suffer from lonliness very often, thankfully. But I have had bouts of it every so often so I can feel for those amongst us who suffer from it more.

I think that the times I have felt lonely are times when things are difficult in my life and when I am unsure of myself.  But those times pass and generally fairly quickly.

I am alone a lot. Especially during this pandemic. But I'm not lonely.  In fact, I'm relishing the extra alone time.

I find that because of the noise (in my head mostly) of my pds and the nature of my work (instrumental teacher in primary schools), I need a LOT of alone and quiet time.

Just my 2c worth.

All the best.




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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2020, 10:02:37 AM »
You're right, loneliness is about disconnection. Maybe for extroverts there is another component but for an introvert like me, it's disconnection.

Until my husband got sick, I would have said I really don't get lonely. I can be by myself for long stretches of time with no discomfort. I know who I am and I can fill myself up just fine.

Now, I am lonely.

The weird thing is that I feel lonelier with my husband in the house than I can picture being ALONE. When I think about living aline, H gone from my life, it works. I will busy myself with this and that, cultivate a relationship or two to get out once a week maybe. All good.

But the snoring mass next door makes me feel lonely as hell. I keep thinking "two is the loneliest number, when the other one is a corpse." I picture a desert island, I could be completely alone, or I could be alone with a dead body. I know which one feels lonelier.

But yes, it's about the disconnection.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear



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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2020, 02:49:42 PM »
Thank you for posting newlife33. I relate to a lot of what you say.

I have also recently come to see that loneliness is about disconnection. I felt so lonely in my marriage and for most of my life as I never really connected with my spouse or my FOO. My spouse was abusive and was diagnosed with BPD so one could argue that he wasnít capable of connecting. I always felt like I was a prop rather than included.

I spend a lot of time by myself, more so how during the lockdown. I donít feel lonely. Sometimes I think I do but then I realize Iím bored or frustrated.

For a long time I havenít been in a position where I can express my emotions. It was punished as a child and also as a spouse to an abuser. Itís only recently that Iíve been able to focus on emotions and figure out how they feel and why.

I think this is great work that will really help us to live fulfilling lives.


tragedy or hope

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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2020, 04:11:01 PM »
I really like this thread! That's it! Why I feel lonely so often with my unpdh and so normal when I am alone or with others alone.

It makes so much sense. What wisdom. My life is sucked out of me with an unpdh and I get to breathe when I am able to just be me. It's that lack of connection, not from myself but I have often felt I live with mental static around me.

 It is very hard to be "alone" with my own thoughts when there is a pd around. Normies go on about their business, not mine. They ask for space instead of crowding into mine whether it is physical or mental.

pd's are like bulldozers who just run others over with their stuff. And Yes, Yes... we are alone with them because they basically care only about themselves. Most of the time I have learned to stay in my own mental space when I can until he catches up with me, whatever I am doing. He's so curious. He can't figure out how I can be so autonomous without him! ha! He pokes around at whatever I am doing. Later, he will imitate it. I am sure it is not as satisfying to him as it is me... after all it was my idea!
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H



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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2021, 09:38:52 AM »
Struggling a bit with feelings of loneliness, and searched for wisdom in the threads here. So thank you-   Thats a great reminder- its about connection, and feeling understood.   

When with exNPDh it was  lonely of course, in an awful, dark way.  I am so thankful to be away from that, a few years now.   SO SO much better.    The current loneliness is a bit different- perhaps much more 'normal''- a few changes in household, moving towards an empty nest, and changes in work too.  In general, and in this small community, being single middle aged woman can be a lonely business.  I tried dating, and into the frying pan, clearly I wasnt ready.  Its hard  to navigate, as I would like intimacy, but small communities are tricky- gossipy and judgemental- in this way.  I couldnt even have a coffee without being noticed.  Recently, an older work colleague complained about his marriage, and I was understanding and kind, saying I was sure he would be fine, and patted him on the back.  He then accused me of flirting with him, and it really shook me, as i have zero interest in him- but had previously felt safe in his company.  This is sent me into a spin (was I giving signals etc?) or is it simply enough to be kind, and be apparently single.  It has actually made me wonder about inventing a 'far away'lover to appear 'safe'.    And there is the thing- I would actually like a lover!

 Well meaning  friends proffer all the usual advice, including the gem 'lower your standards'.  I have completely stopped talking about repartnering or dating as a consequence :-), which now limits feeling ķnderstood '- because they cant possibly understand, which is of course, understandable!.  Married friends, although kind, do find single women inconvenient, and socially prefer partnered people, guess its a safety thing, although I have zero interest in affairs.     I have a regular weekly hobby which is enjoyable and a little social.  In the future, work travel might open a few social doors, but equally I need to be so careful not to leap in.  I wonder whether this might be it- becoming cat lady, and isolated, which is so far away from how I feel- warm and companiable, sharing time with a partner and with friends would be lovely.  Nothing too grand- conversations, walks, shared food, quietness, joy, support (actually  a grand list!)

So yes, its about connection and feeling understood in part-  and being a human being with unaddressed - ahem- needs.   I realise this is a common issue,  and both men and women feel it.      So here's to all the wiser, scorched, and slightly lonely amongst us. 


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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2021, 12:59:42 PM »
Poignant, lovely thread. Thank you.
It gets better. It has to.



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Re: My thoughts on Loneliness.
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2021, 02:19:26 AM »
I have recently had several different people say to me that they are lonely.  I read about it a lot online also.

Ever since covid, it's even worse for many.  I am in a live transition as well as a church transition and am starting to have some bouts of loneliness as I try to re-engage with a semi not engaging world.  When I visit places the people who hang out there have all changed as have the employees.  It's a lot like having moved to a new community.  Strange.