How to cope with being devalued

[Feeling sick]

I can't leave just now, so I'm staying in it, but how do you cope with the being emotionally ignored, when in lockdown? I going over our relationship am noticing all the things I've let slide, biking, music, writing because she thought I was bad at it, said they were no good , I wasn't making them pay, they were a waste of money. So I stopped them, to be with her for the argument to stop, for me to please her. In the beginning she was soo jealous, so sure I was attracting others, she used to analyse my behaviour, that I stopped being me.
What I'm struggling with is a few weeks ago she said she was the happiest she had been, and that was being with me, and in an instant I m now  like visitor or a virus to be kept at a distance. It's soo hard, I just don't know how to manage this, I am not in a position to leave, and I'm not so sure I want to, I still love her.

[NumbLotus]

Yeah, this hurts.

I can't claim I am anywhere near immune to this but I have definitely found improvement here. My husband used to make fun of my minor efforts to exercise, and that was hurtful and baffling. I did not understand it for years.

I finally realized that it was insecurity on his part. It took a period of time for that to really sink in, and when it sunk in to a certain extent, it lost most of its power.

If you take the devaluing at face value, then you aren't good at biking, you're wasting your time, and other even more biting criticisms. That hurts.

But what is really happeneing is that you are good at biking and it's good for you, and she is threatened by that. She is tearing you down to feel better about herself, and she wouldn't have to if there wasn't something wirth tearing down.

When I realized this about my H, I was able to stop taking him seriously. When he made fun of me, suddenly it wasn't me who was pathetic. Not at all.

And I can't take something so pathetic seriously.

One day, he was dropping me off at the gym (and believe me, I am the most pathetic middle aged woman at the gym), and he delievered his usual "joking" parting shot. I looked him in the eye and said "I know what you're doing." And that was the last time I ever heard that line of foolishness.

I'm not saying the line would work on your wife. My husband stopped but the real change was in me. If I heard it again, instead of feeling shame, I would feel disgust and pity toward him. (Okay, I admit, with 10% shame mixed in, it's hard to shake - but still way different from before.)

Another step is to stop expecting any kind of support. If I'm going somewhere with a friend and he says something critical about her, well, I expected that. Almost a shame if he didn't deliver, really. I coud detach myself and mentally check it off the list in near amusement - "that step is completed!" It could even be a Bingo game or something - "comment about waste of time - check! Comment devaluing friend - check! Comment about how this was the only day we could have done something I l'be been asking him to do with me for months - BINGO!!"

When the problem is them and not you, you can seperate yourself from it, at least to some degree.

[NumbLotus]

Sorry, I just wanted to add another key point.

What all of this meant for me was that my H didn't even believe the stuff he was saying. It was just a weapon to protect himself.

If I don't believe it and he doesn't believe it, then it's no threat to me. Just a silly game.

[heron]

you ask how to cope with being ignored. you also ask how to deal with giving up activities you value for your partner. these things are connected and are the answer to each other.

You cope with being ignored by spending some time on activities that nourish you, regardless of what your partner thinks. She may hate it that you get some joy out of something besides her, but that's actually a sign that it's good for you. Obviously don't choose something too expensive or impossible during virus or that you need to go get a bunch of new gear for. Think about all the things you enjoy, that you dropped to please her, and which you can do now, pick one, and do it consistently.

I'm training to do a sport I liked when I was younger, that I set aside for the demands of family. I can't do the sport during the virus, but I can train and anticipate it.

[SparkStillLit]

I used to play hockey. My team was mostly MEN!! OH THE HORROR!!! The *nonsense * that went on before every single session!!!! Sometimes I'd be left crying. Ok a lot. Still played. It was my release. My team loved me and were happy to see me, and chat with me, and treat me like regular people.
He was even on the team for a bit, but he quit it because he "hated those guys attitudes". He still coached kids.
Same with Zumba and any and all other endeavors outside his sphere.
Omg when I went golfing with the guys from work to celebrate one of their certification achievements after MUCH EFFORT and two attempts.....he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. HAHA!!
Yes. It's super hard to push through this stuff. It's also good for you, and in my case, its own reward. I feel like A MILLION BUCKS after a sport, the gym, Zumba, a fun outing with buddies.

[Lauren17]

Invalidation BINGO? Can I play?!
Mocks anything I grow in the garden. Check!
Tries to push me over when I'm doing yoga. Check!
Condescending chuckle. Free space in the middle.
Brings home ice cream and cheesecake if I'm dieting. Check!
Negates everything I say. Bingo!

I think this comes from the PDs thought that they are the same person as their spouse. Can't remember the technical term. They try and stop you from doing anything that they see as you demonstrating you are your own person.

I recommend Living Successfully with Screwed Up People by Elizabeth B Brown. That book has the most concrete suggestions to finding yourself again if any I've read. In fact, I'm going to dust off my copy. Quarantine has made everything harder.
Good luck!

[tragedy or hope]

Feeling sick,
so you love a person who is hard to love and can't give back to you what you hope for. You are far from alone. In fact, I don't believe many are in wedded bliss if they stick out the quirks of a spouse.

You don't have to give up anything. There are ways that handling the situation differently will make you a better person. I don't think all or nothing thinking is helpful. If you love her, honesty will be difficult but best for all.

It's okay to tell her you feel restrained and unable to live a life you love. It is okay to reassure her that you are not abandoning her for these other things. It is okay to take her along if she will go.

I read in "Games People Play" soooo many years ago that sometimes we say we can't do things because of a spouse disapproving... but we don't really want to do them. We have changed. Our interest(s) was our first love. We then find human love and our partner expects to be first.

I am not trying to offend. These things I have learned about myself. Some of our interests procure a lot of attention from others, and make us feel as if we are special. We get in a relationship and now instead of many others appreciating us, there is one who loves us for more than just our interest.

Maybe she feels neglected, ignored, or maybe she is a control freak. You love her, so it is up to you to find ways to make yourself happy without sacrificing someone you love to something inanimate.

Maybe getting out of the house just to go for long walks alone for awhile will help relieve the household tension. Things are different for everyone who is quarantined.

If you have to... find ways to enjoy the things you love, at home. Music, whatever. Watch you tubes, connect online with artists. There are ways to circumvent arguments and still satisfy your heart. The more she ignores you, the more time you have to give attention to yourself. Journaling helps also. Just keep it secured somewhere she will not find it. You own your private thoughts. No one needs to know them.

[Free2Bme]

Feeling sick,

I agree with the other comments here and I can particularly relate to Numblotus as my updxh behaved much like she describes her H. 

I am no longer married but I clearly remember the pain and difficulty that comes with living under the same roof with one that would tear me down at every turn.  I too realized that my updxh didn't really believe the majority of the vile things he said, it was just so pleasurable and irresistible for him to cause me pain, and I provided the payoff.  This was our sick dance.

A year and a half before I left, I had a serious conversation with myself.  I took inventory of all the ways I allowed him to hurt me, I was like an unfortified castle.  It really just came down to survival, and I wanted to survive (mentally, emotionally speaking).  I couldn't control his behavior but I could control what I cared about.  To survive, I had to stop caring and being hurt or effected by his words/actions, these were my Kryptonite.  This was his power over me, he was not gonna give it up so I had to. 

A big one was his emotional/flirty affairs with women at the office.  I realized that he didn't value them anymore than me and we were all held in the same misogynistic contempt.  I realized it was nothing personal on his part, this is just who he was, and no reflection upon my value. 

I had to be OK with just being me, I could soothe myself,  be happy in my own headspace, and I didn't need the small bone he would throw me now and then to keep me on the line.  In fact, I began to see these things as a threat to my self respect and dignity.  I pulled away.  He upped the ante to get me back into properly orbiting around him, and I'm not kidding when I say it got really bad.  He became exponentially more controlling and abusive, this was evidence that he would never change, que my exit. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive but 'you just do you', if she wants to join you (without sabotaging) then great.  Otherwise, give yourself permission to pursue these healthy, reasonable activities and enjoy them with no looking back.  I know this is easier said than done.  Sometimes we take small steps toward the greater good.

take care

[Wardog]

Hi!
I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very familiar to me.  My uNPD wife loves to build herself up by devaluing others, mainly me, of course.  I'm learning to play the Harmonica, so I get the "somebody is torturing a cat" type comments.  My gym is closed, so I do body weight routines in the garage, which she loves to come out and laugh at.  I'm sure you're familiar with the behaviors. NPDs are amazingly similar in their behavior.

It helps me a great deal to keep in mind  that she is mentally ill, and her thought processes and even her perception of reality are based mainly on her current feelings.  She is NOT a reliable source of feedback on my behavior nor a source of validation.  She is like a patient in a care facility, and I am her full-time caretaker.  When she makes her comments, or does her little "laugh," or makes her "jokes," I don't take it seriously.  It's like the crazy guy down in front of the Seven-Eleven that waves his arms around and talks to nobody.

I think she does it because she sees me learning and doing new things , and enjoying life instead of being pulled into her self-imposed misery.  There is a thing called "enmeshment,"  where the NPD tries to make the both of you into one entity, defined by their rules.  When they see you pulling away, it upsets them, and they try everything they can to draw you back in...

So when she attempts to devalue what you're doing, or what you say, or how you look, or anything, about you,  just picture her as standing in front of the AM/PM or Seven-Eleven, waving her arms around, maybe with a tinfoil hat on her head.  Rely on friends or family members with your best interest in their heart for feedback and validation.  If she has driven off your family and friends, rely on yourself.  If you are planning on staying with her for a while, you need to learn to emotionally detach from her, and build a happy life away from her.  You can "keep the door unlocked" for her if she ever decides to get help, but you need to do what you can do to keep yourself happy and sane.  Look over the techniques and advice in the "Toolbox" section of this site.  I find "Medium Chill" and Journaling to be the most helpful for me, as well as Self-Care.  One of the best books I've read on this is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissistic " by Dr Margalis Fjelstad.  It's directed more at people who are staying rather than planning to leave.

Good Luck, and Stay Sane!

[Mary]

Another step is to stop expecting any kind of support. If I'm going somewhere with a friend and he says something critical about her, well, I expected that. Almost a shame if he didn't deliver, really. I coud detach myself and mentally check it off the list in near amusement - "that step is completed!" It could even be a Bingo game or something - "comment about waste of time - check! Comment devaluing friend - check! Comment about how this was the only day we could have done something I l'be been asking him to do with me for months - BINGO!!"

When the problem is them and not you, you can seperate yourself from it, at least to some degree.

Oh wow, this is what my uPDh does too! Thank you for posting!!!! I need to try the Bingo game!

[ploughthrough2021]

Focus on what makes YOU happy and do it (even without her)