My interest in them is not reciprocated

[chowder]

It seems it's always been this way....but lately it's really obvious.  DH and I are doing Zoom meetings with his two sons who live far away, just to check in how everyone is doing with the virus, etc.   We ask how each one is doing, their families....and of course his sons listen to their dad "hold court" on various topics.   When we hang up, I realize that no one has asked about me.   In the past I've noticed this - especially years ago, when I had a car accident and someone hit me head-on and I had back surgery.  At the next in-person gathering, no one took an interest in my situation at all.  One of his sons had been transferred overseas and was seldom seen, so when he attended the gathering, he was the focus of everyone's attention with his new venture.

I told DH the other day about my feelings....at first he was defensive - but I said I hope I'm wrong, but see if anyone asks how I'm doing.  At the end of the Zoom call he actually said, "You were right."

Though we've enjoyed our relationships over the years (30+ years of marriage), there's lately been a history of interactions with DH and his sons that should have included me but did not.  I've always pointed it out to DH, and feel he has ownership in this too.  Now it's at the point where I don't even want to do these Zoom calls ... it's hurtful to see no one take an interest, yet I take an interest in them and definitely ask specific questions about them, their work, etc.   If I withdraw from these calls, I probably won't be missed ... though will add to the distance that is already there.

It's just amazing how my interest in their lives is not reciprocated ... has anyone else ever experienced this?

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh behaved like that. He would talk about himself for hours and was not even a little bit interested in what was happening with me.
How do you feel, now that you know they are not interested in you?

[chowder]

Well, how they act is certainly on them, if they want to be in mixed company and not take an interest in others.  I think part of it is that my husband dominates the conversation too, and I'm the extra.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ooooh yes. I've been the "extra" in many a Zoom call with my in-laws. I said less and less and eventually just didn't go on camera at all, and finally the Zoom calls stopped all together. Not because of me. They were supposed to be so they could see the kids but they didn't actually have interest in the kids either. So many "technical issues" forced them to revert to phone calls I guess. With only DH on the line.

I said something to my DH once about how they never addressed me. He must have said something to them because they made a point of asking about me the next time... I froze! I couldn't come up with a single thing to say! So then they were justified in not talking to me because I was so dull.

For you, what do you hope for for relationships with your adult stepsons? At this point is your interest in them still genuine or are you going through the motions yourself? It's ok if you are feeling less warm to them. How will you feel about letting your level of engagement more closely match what you are already experiencing? What if you just started talking about yourself? I tried that tack with my MIL too. Suddenly she needed to take the opportunity go through photos on her phone. At that time my therapist was encouraging me to view these relationships much like a scientist, or outside observer. Conduct an experiment. "Change the steps to the dance." If I do this, this is the result. Draw conclusions and next steps based on the evidence.

[chowder]

Wise words, indeed, Cordelia.  I think I will step back and observe (which I've been doing anyway, but will do more so) and watch how the players interact.  Lately the Zoom calls have deteriorated into politics and have not been not family-oriented.  They started arguing, and on one call they got so loud and out of control that the originator of the call disconnected it without warning.  Hopefully that's a lesson learned.  I'd rather spend my time in so many better ways...

[AlisonWonder]

I think it's fairly normal for younger people to not be interested in the lives of their parents and other older people, I am used to that with my steppies,  but it's also normal for them to be very interested in receiving our support and talking about themselves to us.  If even that isn't there, then yes there is something wrong.