New member, old problems?

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yarlanzey

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New member, old problems?
« on: June 28, 2020, 09:57:00 AM »
Hi,

I'm a 35-year-old single guy. I have suffered narcissistic abuse, but not so much from romantic partners. Usually if you look for information on narcissistic abuse, it focuses on "romantic" relationships (that word "romantic" must seem very ironic if you've suffered from that!).

The reason I largely avoided that form of narcissistic abuse may be down to my avoiding of relationships for the most part, but I have been in some.

Anyway, the reason I'm here is because of my history with being in a narcissistic group of friends, and similar abuse from family members (close and extended), mainly while growing up, but some issues remain.

I'm not in that group of friends any more. The "leader" of the group, by the way, is by far the most toxic. I've gone completely no-contact with him in particular.

I've been having angry thoughts lately about a wedding I attended a couple of years ago. My cousin was the bride, and she's quite a nice person actually. Anyway, another cousin who attended, also female, ain't so nice.

I'm really annoyed at myself for being nice to this person, before she humiliated me shortly afterwards. I'm also annoyed at how people love her even though she's one of the worst human beings I've ever met. And how if I say anything about her, it's me who has the problem, apparently.

Similarly, I feel the need to be secretive about why I don't see my old "friends" any more. It's like the world wants me to just take abuse from people and never take any action about it, even though doing so would be extremely destructive to me.

Furthermore, while it's easy to go no contact with people in theory (and sometimes in practice), what if I'm invited to another family wedding? This person will be there I'm sure. I'm slightly afraid of my own anger to be honest.

Anyway, this isn't a complete message. I'll probably fill in more blanks soon.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2020, 12:16:47 PM by Bloomie »

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Bloomie

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Re: New member, old problems?
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 12:26:03 PM »
yarlanzey - Hi and welcome to OOTF. When thinking about attending further events with this person the toolbox at the drop down menu may be of help as you build strategies that allow you to participate in things you want to and have healthy boundaries and ways of coping.

Take a good look around the forum and make good use of the book recommendations and other media resources as you find the best way to heal and move forward with your life.
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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yarlanzey

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Re: New member, old problems?
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2020, 04:02:50 PM »
yarlanzey - Hi and welcome to OOTF. When thinking about attending further events with this person the toolbox at the drop down menu may be of help as you build strategies that allow you to participate in things you want to and have healthy boundaries and ways of coping.

Take a good look around the forum and make good use of the book recommendations and other media resources as you find the best way to heal and move forward with your life.

Thanks.

There have been times in recent years where I've handled things really well. I once worked for a guy who used to make a lot of hurtful "jokes" at my expense. A few years ago we happened to meet each other in the street and I kind of did the "grey rock" technique even though I didn't know about it at the time. I just gave short, to-the-point replies to his questions while steadily looking into his eyes. He quickly got visibly freaked out, said "Okay" and walked off lol.

At the wedding, I was talking to a friendly cousin when he said hello to this horrible "person" and that's how I ended up talking to her as well.

Conventional advice would be, don't worry about it, just go along to the next wedding and it will be fine. This is wrong however. This is saying, "don't trust your instincts, ignore your emotions" and so on.

I'll go to the next wedding or whatever if I feel like it. I won't be at all nice to any narcissists present. I'll avoid them, use the "grey rock" and similar methods if I have to, and basically keep distance between them and me. I'll be ready to leave the event whenever I want also.