Does anyone try to spend as little time with their partner/spouse as possible?

[Consumed]

If so, has it helped you at all? My thought process is the less time spent with him, the less he affects me and gets into my head, reducing my rumination and fatigue, and allowing me to be more productive and happier overall.

[blunk]

I think I initially did this subconsciously with my bpdxh, especially when he was home all the time as he was unemployed. Mostly because I would get a knot in my stomach when I started to think about having to go home.

I would find myself staying later and later at work, which didn't make sense as I was in a salaried position. I also worked a weekend job, and would pick up extra shifts when asked. I would go to the gym several days a week, and joined a running club that met on Sundays.

The thing was, it didn't really help me feel any better. When I wasn't home he would bombard me with texts, including when I was at work. And if I didn't answer within what he considered a reasonable amount of time, it would turn into a string of progressively more nasty messages. And that only added to my feelings of dread at the thought of going home.

I think he eventually realized that I was intentionally spending more time away, and would yell about having to do the dishes or feed the dogs. And, of course, this led to him lecturing me about "taking away from our time".

I apologize f it seems like I am trying to discourage you, I certainly can't say what will work for you or your situation, but this was my own experience.

[Xyz]

I am grateful whenever I am alone.  I think the less time spent with a PD the better.

[2_exhausted]

I was in a long relationship with UNPD bf, we were 69 miles apart....so we were not seeing each other during the week...except for the 2 years I lived there....yes, I did avoid him...not inviting him here for weekends, because it was too much...I also avoiding spending time there because there was so much drama.....my basic needs were never met...
Eventually he cheated, which ended the relationship, but that is another story.....
Living with him & his son was so DRAINING. I knew I would be raged at and treated like dirt...so Netflix seemed like a better option

[GettingOOTF]

I did this subconsciously with my ex too. Staying late at work, encouraging him to see his friends etc.

Ultimately it didn’t make me any happier and on some level I think he sensed my avoidance so when we were together the abuse was worse.

I eventually chose to leave the marriage. I have no regrets.

[ToAudrey]

Yes. Being much more Out of the FOG after the pandemic started it has been difficult as stuck at home. During the week I have my work and sometimes calls at night. The early hours help justify going to sleep early when our small child does. Lately unPDh is oblivious to it a bit as he is on the phone constantly with friends he can talk at.

[BefuddledClarity]

Usually I do want to spend time with ACoN(w/ fleas) SO, but I'm starting to notice that whenever I'm in a good mood around him, he usually does/says something to bring it down...like today. Whether it's intentional or him being oblivious to what he said/does is hurtful, per usual...

It just feels like there's been a big disconnect lately, I'm wondering if it's the pandemic---having to see eachother more?

All I can say is when MIL used to overstay her visits, I purposely stayed longer at work and went to bed earlier. I didn't want to be bother by her NOR my SO...and I hate my job. So that says a lot.

[Cascade]

Yes, I try to limit the time I spend with my pdh. I purposely go in to work on Saturdays instead of Fridays so that the weekends don't feel so long. I also do other things to stay busy when he's home. I think it helps me so I don't just dwell on him and all the upsetting things he does and says.

[Lauren17]

Yes. Some of it has come about naturally as I've tried to un-mesh and find my own interests.
Since quarantine, I've noticed he uses TV as a manipulation tool. He will turn on something I like when I'm making dinner or doing chores. When I sit down to watch, he switches it to something I don't like.
How to set a boundary against this? Don't watch TV and stay out of the room.

He's noticed that I'm spending less time with him and withdraws more and more.

[tragedy or hope]

I think I made a decision that haunts me now. We moved rural and my undph is now retired. I need a day until I feel like I am really alone. If he is gone for 2 hours I get a call. Do I need anything etc...

Comes home with things I did not ask for. Often take out food I would never purchase for myself. "I thought you like this..."

I used to be alone a lot before retirement so his presence didn't sink in as deep.
Since retirement, I have found this site. Imagine spending almost 50 years thinking something is not right and not even having therapists tell you what is wrong.

I worked on me for years and years. In all those years he never read a book or consulted anyone about improving himself or our relationship. Ns are perfect in their own eyes, needing nothing and no one to reflect on but themselves.

Now, I am kind of stuck. I don't work. With the covid thing and his retirement it's like the perfect storm.

I do one day at a time. I try to get out alone as much as possible.  Sometimes I tell him I want to go by myself. Internally it feels like I am a teen asking for the car, but I push through that to make a claim to my own life in my head.

I am practicing being alone while with him. (My own kind of social distancing) I barely listen to what he has to say and stay involved in things I want to do. Eventually he acts out to get the attention he thinks he deserves. MC works most of the time. Being lite and polite has it's merits. They don't want anything deep anyway. They are fulfilled just thinking about themselves.

[blews]

I wake every morning and often dread going downstairs to greet the day, for I know that my SO will be "off and running" in a few short minutes.  Even in my head I'll think "He we go!" when she starts her ranting about every perceived sleight that has come her way in the past 50 years!  So, yea, I get what you're saying.  When they are not around or you can manage to sneak off to do something alone, it feels like a blessed relief!

One solution that's worked for me is to take a continuing ed class.  I took language lessons last year and I knew that I'd have 3 hours by myself once a week.  Hard during Covid times, but something to consider going forward.  I also fish, which can get me out of the house for 3-5 hours at a time.  Not the ideal situation, but anything that can remove you from the stressor is a good thing!

As to counselors, don't get me started :-)   I went to a woman once because my SO thought I was depressed. (ha!) It was the classic case of "I don't know, what do you think?"  The reality sunk in years later;  it was not me, it was me trying to deal with someone who had a serious PD. It's no wonder the SSRIs didn't work -- the problem wasn't some deep seated problem in my brain! And I can just imagine if I turned the tables and said, "You know, maybe you should see someone...."

[tragedy or hope]

 blews,

[Dodo]

I do, it use to be fun being with him and sometimes its still fun as he can be a funny guy but 3 years later I am not happy and just want to be away from him as much as possible.  I get up before him as I like my time to myself in the morning, fortunately we are living in a  big house and he goes upstairs in the evening and I stay downstairs and enjoy it.  Does this mean I should live alone? Hmmmmm I could live alone, no children at home anymore, I thought I had found my partner 3 years ago but realize now how incompatible we are.  I am on holidays with my sons and their wives and kids now and I feel alone because he never wants to come on vacation or go for a walk with me and our dogs, go for bike rides with me as he says his bike riding days are over.  I realize as time goes on that I don't even want him to come with me as he would just be a downer anyway.

[Mary]

I worked on me for years and years.

In all of your "working on yourself", did you finally stop? My uPDh and I are attending a marriage class right now on Wed nights. I feel like it is giving him ammunition. Time will tell. For me, I feel like it's a lot of review material, some new insights, some guilt tripping. (Like when my new friend tells me I'm being unsubmissive because I set boundaries.) Thoughts?

[SparkStillLit]

It's not so much that I "spend as little time as possible with him". It's more that I've made way more room for me in here. It's like they amoebe you up, you know? Completely engulf you. You have to fight out of all the ooze and make a clear space around yourself that doesn't involve them. YOUR routine, hobbies,friends, shows, books, whatever. YOURS. Not shared, and most decidedly not HIS (which I bet the "shared" ones are).
Setting boundaries, which you've already discovered. Again, a clear space around yourself. You're not an extra arm.
As to the marriage classes and whatnot of that sort, I have personally had a rotten experience, and I saw others on here who did too. Weaponizing it is super common. Maybe don't share if you can POSSIBLY not, or stop the classes, or....try to keep safe somehow. I don't know how one does in that scenario. Maybe others have ideas.

[11JB68]

Re unsubmissive...
My GOAL is to be less submissive...
I would be shocked of any of my friends ever criticized me for trying to be LESS submissive

[blacksheep7]

I think I made a decision that haunts me now. We moved rural and my undph is now retired. I need a day until I feel like I am really alone. If he is gone for 2 hours I get a call. Do I need anything etc...

Comes home with things I did not ask for. Often take out food I would never purchase for myself. "I thought you like this..."

I used to be alone a lot before retirement so his presence didn't sink in as deep.
Since retirement, I have found this site. Imagine spending almost 50 years thinking something is not right and not even having therapists tell you what is wrong.

I worked on me for years and years. In all those years he never read a book or consulted anyone about improving himself or our relationship. Ns are perfect in their own eyes, needing nothing and no one to reflect on but themselves.

Now, I am kind of stuck. I don't work. With the covid thing and his retirement it's like the perfect storm.

I do one day at a time. I try to get out alone as much as possible.  Sometimes I tell him I want to go by myself. Internally it feels like I am a teen asking for the car, but I push through that to make a claim to my own life in my head.

I am practicing being alone while with him. (My own kind of social distancing) I barely listen to what he has to say and stay involved in things I want to do. Eventually he acts out to get the attention he thinks he deserves. MC works most of the time. Being lite and polite has it's merits. They don't want anything deep anyway. They are fulfilled just thinking about themselves.

I don't have a narc as a dh anymore but can relate to my exs and most men...sorry guys.   I know for the majority of men, they still have that male pride in them that was passed down many generations including mine.

I don't ask for time alone, I get it  without asking as dh is not a big talker.  We are comfortable in doing our own thing at home and/or going out shopping as well as doing it together.

But I am still working on being comfortable by myself, less approval in my petty decisions.

I can tell you that all those years of T and work, this site were all worth it! 

[tragedy or hope]

I worked on me for years and years.

In all of your "working on yourself", did you finally stop? My uPDh and I are attending a marriage class right now on Wed nights. I feel like it is giving him ammunition. Time will tell. For me, I feel like it's a lot of review material, some new insights, some guilt tripping. (Like when my new friend tells me I'm being unsubmissive because I set boundaries.) Thoughts?

I continue to work on myself so I have a good life. I used to think working on myself had something to do with him, until I realized (recently, sadly enough) PD's don't change. They don't change... yes, I said it twice. I have to keep telling myself that during the good times or my heart will get broken one day again. I do not want to let that happen. I work on being who I am and acceptance of him the way he is. He is NOT going to change.

I have been through the marriage classes etc.. many hours with different therapists. Most do not support staying in such relationships. It's MY business and MY convictions I need to live by. IMO, pd's are sinners just like me. The difference don't let go of their mechanisms for sinning or repent. Thus you have a proud man/woman who thinks they are in their role and can sometimes use religion to do it. (By the way a "role" is an act not a character trait.)

Don't be fooled by the submission thing. We submit our lives to Christ. HE alone is Lord. No man. Did you read the verse before? Submit yourselves one to another. There is no man, woman, bond or free, we are all equal in Christ.

Submission is voluntary based on the behavior of the one asking for it. It's a willingness to go along with a certain kind of "servanthood" for the good of the family and relationship. Yes, "servanthood." (This makes many men cringe. They want to be boss.)
Something most men do not understand about leadership. Christ was a servant leader. He died for mankind. Husbands are told to give them "selves" up for their wives. Why? B/c at heart men just don't care that much about others, especially how their wife feels unless it affects him in some way. Sorry guys, this is my opinion. Who does all the killing in history, scripture? I could go on.

God would not command it if it were easy. This will be long...

There was an old movie about Peter Marshall, a preacher. In the movie his girlfriend (I think, been awhile since I saw it) gives a speech in front of a bunch of young people about how women have lowered themselves taking up some of the vices of men; smoking, carousing etc. (old movie). She tells the young women what they have given up by not allowing men to open doors or hold then in higher esteem, (because men inherently know women have a bit more character than them.) (MY interpretation.) And that by demanding rights to BE just like men they have lost a certain honor. So men treat them different.

One more thing... have you read in Genesis... the story of Adam and Eve? Eve's name means "the mother of all the living." ADAM named her. God named Adam, and his name means dirt.

In the temptation judgement in the garden, Eve was told she would have pain in childbirth.
Adam was promised to go back to the dust. Hmmm... whose life seems more productive? That was God's idea.

Don't let old fashioned men who misunderstand scripture try to get you to be "submissive" to another sinner, by way of obedience to his sinful harshness. This is not even congruent with God's character.
(This does not work in the home. I did it for years and was grossly mistreated. I should have told God's truth to his sin and abandoned any of his affections. This would please God instead of being "submissive" to his rude abusive behaviors.
(Truth is always the best way. Even though for women who love PD's it can be really painful, especially if you are a woman who wants to please God.)

We submit to Christ as a couple. We love and serve one another. When a man serves his wife she doesn't think about submission because he is self sacrificing for her, and her "going along with" or "following" comes naturally. 'When a woman loves her husband, he will want to be that man if she loves him according to scripture... meaning... don't take his guff, he's just a sinner and needs to be confronted and/or reminded of his position in Christ. Don't argue. Don't let his habitual sinful ways with you go unaddressed. Boundaries infuriate someone who wants to control you. You have been given your own life by God. You get to share it at will, yours; not your husbands. People, spouses who have PD's can steal your soul too if you let them. You must learn to be a little tough about your own world.

P.S.Physical equipment does not make one superior.