MIL upsetting DC

[scattered_78]

This is just a vent more than anything.  My son (aged 10) cried himself to sleep last night as he couldn't stop thinking about something MIL had said.  My son likes building airfix models and is interested in wartime aircraft etc.  MIL was in the car with DH and the kids, they were discussing wartime aircraft, and a Japanese one was mentioned.  MIL then told DCs (aged 5 & 10) about how the Japanese soldiers would kill themselves with their own swords.  My DH shut her up and told her to change the subject but the damage was done.  My eldest son was obviously paying attention and the thought of it really upset him.  Thankfully the youngest wasn't listening, but the eldest is worried that his little brother will have nightmares about it. 

It's not the first time she's said something inappropriate, I don't know if this is a symptom of her PD or is it just thoughtlessness. 

[Poison Ivy]

Could be either or both. My dad, who did not have a PD, told me something when I was a child that was really too much for me emotionally (about a family member who had committed suicide many years earlier). I was and am intelligent, but when I was 10 years old, I wasn't ready for this piece of family history. 

(Edited to add another situation this made me think of)

When my older child was in third grade, a standard part of the third-grade curriculum was (and maybe still is) learning about other countries (great), including Japan (great). What was not great (IMO) was that the teacher read "Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" out loud to the students. As you might be aware, the book is based on the true story of a girl who developed leukemia from atomic-bomb radiation. My daughter told me and her dad sometime after this (months or years, I don't recall) that she was very distressed after hearing the story. I think it's okay to give children some protection from the worst things in the world until they're old enough to process them healthily.

[BeNice555]

That is wretched. And it could likely be that MIL is so disordered that she doesn't have an appropriate filter around children, but it still brings me to an upset feeling when I picture them in the car.

I am glad that your DH shut it down, but as you said, the damage was done. Such a pity. I hope you were able to soothe your eldest DS and I'm glad that the little one didn't really register what she said.

When I was in third grade I remember learning about the Holocaust and I couldn't believe such a thing could have ever happened in our world. I went to a very small school and didn't have anyone to talk to about how I felt, but i was upset about it for a very long time. You seem like the type of mother who is available to your children in a healthy way, so that gives me hope that your DS will recover from the stress quicker than if he didn't have a safe space to talk.

Still... what a bummer. Sometimes my mind goes super abstract and I fantasize about a program (algorithm) that we could apply to these types of people - a censor of sorts - so that certain things couldn't come flying out of their mouths. Magical (wishful?) thinking, I know... I've been doing this during the whole pandemic lately to self-soothe probably. 

[scattered_78]

So DH contacted MIL by email after DS cried himself to sleep.  He showed me the email he sent and it was perfectly reasonable, not attacking.  He asked MIL to be more careful about the topics she chooses to discuss with the children.  That was several weeks ago and she hasn't replied.  She refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, or enter into any discussion about it.  She has even spoken to DS on the phone since and not mentioned it, or said sorry for upsetting him.  She pretends it never happened.  She is now cold-shouldering DH for daring to say she was in the wrong, and trying to use me as a go-between.  She emailed me asking if she can take DS out over half-term (which we are obviously not agreeing to).  She is pestering me to let her know what the kids would like for their birthdays and Christmas, despite me asking her to speak to DH about it.  If I don't reply I'll be seen as ungrateful as she is only 'trying to be kind and generous to the children'.

I'm feeling totally alone here, I know what I want to say, but she's so careful to make her message SOUND measured and reasonable that I will look like a maniac if I blow up over it.  She hasn't contacted DH at all, and although he knows she's been in touch with me, he seems quite happy to ignore it all too.  I think he's quite enjoying the fact that he doesn't have to deal with her while she is sulking and ignoring him.
If I just forward her messages to him, I'm effectively playing into her hands by acting as a conduit to draw him back in, but I also feel like I don't want to be the one to deal with her.  Why should I, she's not my mother?  Please help me with some reasonable ways to deal with this?

[bloomie]

scattered_78 - if this helps at all what has worked really well for me - after realizing that the in laws saw me as the weakest link vs DH who is a natural born gray rock - is to add my DH to the text thread/email thread I use to respond to the request or question (because I do not 'do' live convos one on one any more and say something like: "Thought it best to add DH to the convo and he will get back to you when we know more... make decisions...are able..." and then you can drop that hot potato right back in her lap.

Don't you let her cull you off from your strong support and defender H! Stand as a united front even in the small things and you will continue to send important messages as you and your DH have been doing. BRAVO for a strong daddy and DH who was able to kindly let his mother know she went too far and was out of line!

(that is kinda bossy sounding, but letting myself get stragetically used and isolated from my own DH is a mistake I have made with painful repercussions and I am probably old enough to be your mamma. I get a little protective over you all! )

[scattered_78]

Thank you Bloomie!

Things seem to be coming to a head.  After several weeks of ignoring DH's message, she finally replied with a one line, insincere apology for upsetting DS.  She is know claiming DH is being cruel for sending unpleasant messages when she is stuck in isolation (which is entirely her own fault as she chose to travel abroad, knowing the quarantine restrictions in place).  She has emailed me separately, not mentioning anything that is going on with DH, asking me to phone her.  I haven't replied, I'm trying to stay out of it. 

[bloomie]

Thank you Bloomie!

Things seem to be coming to a head.  After several weeks of ignoring DH's message, she finally replied with a one line, insincere apology for upsetting DS.  She is know claiming DH is being cruel for sending unpleasant messages when she is stuck in isolation (which is entirely her own fault as she chose to travel abroad, knowing the quarantine restrictions in place).  She has emailed me separately, not mentioning anything that is going on with DH, asking me to phone her.  I haven't replied, I'm trying to stay out of it. 

You are holding strong! BRAVO! We are standing with cheering you on!

[Entj]

Asking you to phone her?! Yikes! Bloomie is right, she IS trying to isolate you!

Wow, that's audacious, accusing you of upsetting her because you actually told her that she said something upsetting to your kid...

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. As you said, she's not your mom, there's no reason for you to handle communication with her. Keep blocking her attempts at manipulation ninja-style!!!