Finally at that point of feeling able to move forward

[Fedup2020]

After years and years of emotional abuse and neglect as a child, to abusive relationships and an abusive child with a PD.

I've spent so many years dragging myself through the constant heaviness of life. It felt like no matter what I did, there was always something to keep me held back. Often times, it was myself. Admitting defeat and accepting my position as a punching bag.

Despite all of that, I consistently held the attitude that I needed to help and better myself for the sake of my kids, so i have been in and out of therapy throughout the years. Constantly looking up self help and self improvement things in my spare time.
Don't get me wrong, I dipped many times and ended up sinking. Sometimes I felt I couldn't get back up, but I did.

For the first time in my life it feels like there is a future. Where as before it was a case of making it day by day.

I need to keep battling my anxiety and agoraphobia to get to where I want to be, but I dont need to defeat it completely. Which makes it seem even more doable.

I realised that I need to be in nature. I need to be out there in the isolation of nature. Mountains, hills, landscapes. I want to join a walking group.

A small walking group sounds doable for my anxiety, and if I push myself to that point then it should lessen my anxiety over the longer term and for future things. Kind if like graded exposure.

I might not get there yet. Maybe not even for a short while. But it is definitely a place I want to get to.

Its a plan for the future. Something I have never really done. That in itself is a huge improvement for me.

I feel like I know who I am and what I want for the first time in my life. Its not somebody else's expectations of me, or what others want from me. Its me.

For the first time in my life I am excited to see what the future holds.

[notrightinthehead]

I totally agree - walking in nature has kept me sane. To enjoy that with a small group of people is even better than doing it alone.

[athene1399]

Fedup, I think it's great that you realize what may work for you. We all need different things to help us work through our fears and past. I think it's amazing you have been able to pinpoint what will be helpful for you. I think it's also good that you have set goals for yourself. Setting small goals helps us to feel accomplished as we work towards our larger goals and changes.