how to avoid triggers during mediation?

[not broken]

I have the first mediation (wuth attorneys present) meeting coming up. I know his attorney is a negative advocate, and I know it is going to be high conflict and a huge smear campaign.  That said, does anyone have any suggestions for not getting caught reacting to triggers?  or suggestions on the process?  I have a great attorney and even so, I am feeling so tired and scared about his lies- they drive me crazy!

thx

[not broken]

and maybe what are the rabbit holes that I should stay away from?  because there is a difference between defending oneself and setting the record straight.

[Penny Lane]

Can you ask to be in different rooms? I think that's a common thing for mediation and the mediator goes back and forth.

[Stillirise]

We had this a couple months ago. It was a "collaborative" meeting, with both attorneys present. I made myself an outline before  going in, as to what were the matters at hand, with notes where I had specific concerns. I also knew what the PD was likely to get hung up on and triggered over.  I spent time beforehand doing prep work for my responses and reactions.  I also talked with my lawyer about where I expected things to go off the rails, and what the sticking points were.  I let her know I needed her help me keep him from turning the meeting into a gripe session about all the ways I have "wronged" him.   She handled him and his lawyer pretty effectively.  It helped that I was well-prepared, while it was obvious he was not. There were times where both he and his lawyer seemed petty, while we were taking the high road. 

It was a very tense and stressful meeting, but I feel I maintained my composure quite well. I went for yellow rock....seemingly pleasant disposition, but showing no actual emotion, or saying anything that wasn't necessary.  In the end, I don't feel like we resolved a whole lot, but it wasn't completely useless.  The PD did try getting his hooks in me a few times. However, either my lawyer or I would say something like, "that doesn't seem to be relevant to moving the process forward."  We basically refused to hear or participate in any discussion that wasn't working to settle the matters in front of us, in a firm but polite way. It worked for the most part.  We did threaten to end the meeting once, when the PD was showing inability to stick to current matters.  His lawyer then reeled him in.  I also practiced saying out loud beforehand things like, "I will take that into consideration,"  "That doesn't work for me," and "I need some time to think that over."  I also brought in some water.  I would take a long swig before responding, especially if I thought I was going to say something I shouldn't, or use a tone that was not professional.

Best of luck. Bottom line—if it isn't actively settling your property, custody, or whatever topic at hand, you do not have to allow it to continue.  Remember the goal—getting a settlement agreement, not re-hashing the past.  Please remember you are not the things they say about you. You know the truth, and the truth will be revealed eventually.

[not broken]

Thank you both.  So mediation was rescheduled due to the mediator's medical issue.  I am still waiting and it has been a complete and utter sh&tshow.  His complete disregard for any boundary and manipulation to take control of every single thing is surreal.  I am exhausted from his cruelty to trying to reminisce and everything in between.  I never really considered him a liar before but wow- it really is constant.  funny how you can see things so differently when the screaming and yelling and constant angry outbursts while living in the same home are gone.

As much as I hate waiting, I am seeing that he as long as a do my best to not react (and regroup quicker when I do fall into the trap) his actions are ultimately counterproductive to what he is trying to do to me.  Even so, I am finding it so hard to handle the manipulation of my children- and used against me and eachother.  Kinda validates for me why I stayed so long- I think in my heart and gut I knew. 

I see life so differently now and I am wondering how I will ever trust again. 

[Bunnyme]

I also practiced saying out loud beforehand things like, "I will take that into consideration,"  "That doesn't work for me," and "I need some time to think that over."  I also brought in some water.  I would take a long swig before responding, especially if I thought I was going to say something I shouldn't, or use a tone that was not professional.

This is what I did as well.  I had the phrases written on a piece of paper, along with the wording I wanted to use on some key issues.  My therapist had me practice in the mirror, shower, while driving.  Over and over...saying no without explaining myself.  Also, "I will need to see verification of _________ before I can make a decision on that matter."  Helps with discovery later.

[GettingOOTF]

I didn’t have formal mediation as such but there was some negotiating. My therapist worked with me on this for a couple of sessions. I knew what his comebacks would be so she played him and we practiced. I also repeated everything over and over at home.

The biggest thing for me was not reacting when he was “stating his case”.

I got him to agree to walk away from alimony and any claim on my 401k. I’m shocked I didn’t bite my tongue off during the negotiations. Was totally worth the humiliation and then the frustration of letting him walk way thinking he was the good guy. It went against everything I wanted to do and say but I kept my eye on the prize.

[Prototypian]

My suggestions are 1) Grey and monotone for any response.   Be as boring as possible. 2) stick only to facts. 3)  do not JADE under any circumstances.   

None of that means being angry, mean, petty or inciting anger.   It just means that you don't give anything to the ex or the mediator in emotion that can either help their negotiation or help to throw you off.   Be a stone cold emotionless negotiator and answer questions specifically as asked.

[hhaw]

Yup.
RESIST being defensive.

Treat stupid statements and questions as opportunities to educate your audience.  Treat opposing counsel like you would an ignorant child in need of the facts.....keep answers short and simple....give the burger, maybe the bun, never the condiments or veggies.

You don't want to show your frustration while PD speaks.  Your attorney will get to the important stuff soon enough and who cares what the pd says?  Release expectation and focus on the end game.

The PD's biggest weapon will be infringing you with his lies.....please resist helping him sabotage you.

You keep your eye on the ball.

Kids are always front and center in discussing your needs.

Appearing as the calm, consistent parent you claim you are will help you and likely unhinged your pd, imo.

Esp if you have evidence you're the truth teller.

Esp if the pd can't control himself as you remain focused and on point.

Eye on the ball.  Have a list of things you MUST have.  Make sure it's super reasonable.  Don't feel obligated to argue all day if the pd refuses to comply.

If he does agree, HAND WRITE out that agreement right there, sign it and have pd sign it. 

DO NOT CANCEL ANY COURT APPEARANCES UNTIL YOU HAVE THAT SIGNED, FILED AND STAMPED AGREEMENT IN YOUR HAND!!!!!!

DO NOT ALLOW ATTORNEYS TO " CRAFT" AN AGREEMENT BACK IN THEIR OFFICES.  THE PD CAN BACK OUT....YOULL HAVE TO START OVER, ESP IF YOU CANCEL LONG AWAITED COURT DATES, SO
DON'T.  EVEN IF YOURE ATTORNEY FALLS FOR THE PD PLOY OF WASTING TIME AND RESOURCES ON THIS TACTIC.

But always be polite and calm and gentle with your attorney.  You WANT to settle as badly as he wants you to.
You're always reasonable.....always avoid being pegged as the reason your attorney HAS to go to trial.

Have your list of minimum needs.  Base them on your childrens' best interests, stick to it.  Don't be afraid to walk away if the PD isn't budging, ESP if he refuses to sign a handwritten Agreement at that meeting.

Stay calm even if nothing goes the way you want.  Trial is likely the quickest way out if this and I always had to do complete trial prep, even for the one time we settled.

The PD tactic of lying and doing almost zero trial prep ihurts us only if we let the pd whip us into a fearful state.

Do not fear.  Instead know documenting your case, organizing your evidence and being prepared to pull it at trial, as your attorney needs it.....will benefit you, IME.

Breathe.....learn to meditate.  See a trauma informed Therapist who practices EMDR so you can more calmly move yourself and your children through this difficult transition.

You need to lean how to regulate your emotions so you can be present with your children and find the joy in your lives.

So you can model THAT for your children, IME.

Good luck.  Try not to fear.  Learn to calm yourself.

Fearing all the time....worry worry worry us a copy g strategy, just as doing what you can, putting the story on the shelf and being present in the moment is a coping strategy.  One keeps you upset and trapped in your limbic system

The other gives you your life back and makes joy a regular part of you life....your children's lives.

You have choices.  Don't let the pd steal anything else from you.

[not broken]

I didn't do so well.  And as a matter of fact, I feel like I am going backwards with my confidence and emotional regulation.  It was like I started having e a panic attack at the thought of negotiating something with him.  Handling ANYTHING regarding custody with him has been harder for me than I thought.  My kids are older, and I don't know how to fight for what I believe in and stick to my boundaries while also honoring my kids saying they want more time with him.  He won't agree to communicate with me transparently.  He has locked me out of everything financially and I feel like I have to defend myself to my kids.  If I agree to 50/50, I am sure that won't be enough- then what is he going to come after?  He plays FOTY and I am having CPTSD reactions because he won't stop coming at me to destroy me. And my kids are mad at me.  I don't know how to talk to them about anything with their dad.  He won't agree with me on anything- so how am I supposed to communicate that to my kids without them seeing it as being a jerk about their dad? I feel like a sitting duck just waiting to react to whatever he does and I hate it. 

[Prototypian]

It's ok that you're rattled.   You're dealing with a person who knows literally every way to rattle you.   Don't let the way things are going define the ability to be positive about your own reactions.   

The reactions of everyone around you are not what defines for you what is a good step that's positive for you and your family.   They may not understand and it could take a while to get things fixed.

My only recommendation is to sit and write down what would be the best outcome for you and the kids.   Then during mediation be prepared to share facts and be grey and polite in the face of everything but those expectations.   It's hard, and it will be hard as you try to be polite direct and stick to facts but you will be able to push for what is ultimately beat for you and the kids.

Thoughts and prayers!