Where to go to church

[Mary]

I'm really struggling with where to go to church on Sundays.

In approximately 2-year cycles, my uPDh chooses a new church for our family, jumps in with both feet and encourages me to get involved, decides to back away from the church, and then talks bad about the church we just left to me and in front of the kids. It's an emotional upheaval for me each time we change churches.

I've decided to keep a relationship with one of the churches several cycles back. He will occasionally ask me where I want to go on a Sunday morning (ostensibly to be nice), and I choose them. But it brings on a string of vitriol about them, and the kids want to go to the new place as they are making friends and uPDh will take my son fishing afterwards-DH influencing his desires of course. I feel that choosing the place I am more comfortable will turn the kids against me. I also know that splitting up the family on church attendance statistically worsens the chances for kids to grow up as believers. But it's only a matter if time before we move on again...

It's a weekly family tension. Is it important to ask the family to do what I want sometimes and somewhat keep up the relationships that I think are healthy, or should I just back off for now?

I look forward to your thoughts.
Mary

[Thru the Rain]

Hi Mary - You are describing my childhood church experiences.

My Dad changed churches regularly - usually picking churches that had a strong emotional content in their services. But underneath the uplifting emotions on Sundays, every church is full of real people. And once my Dad decided he didn't like the real people, we had to leave.

When I was old enough to refuse to attend church, that's what I did. I didn't go to church for about 25 years - and when I decided to try church again, I visited many different churches until I found a good fit for me.

I would encourage you to stick with the church where you feel comfortable. And take your kids from time to time - maybe to youth oriented events. Eventually you know your Husband will move along to a new church, and it will be very disruptive for your kids. As they get older, they may choose your church since its the same one year after year.

[SparkStillLit]

Hey there. Not to revive a dead topic or anything.
But I was thinking of going back to church. I've been not attending church for 11 years (I call it "being a heathen". Just teasingly.) Updh was vehemently against churching when we met, and I was ambivalent, so did nothing. When we had our first kid, he got into "religion" in a big way, and we played musical church until he ultimately converted to my original religion, and we devoutly stuck with that for a good many years till he suddenly went off it. My DD had all her ceremonies but my DS had only baby one. Now he's (DH) back to vehemently anti churching. He does all things to sway DS to his ideas and ways, so I have not even bothered to mention this at all.
It's just something I've been thinking on a lot lately. I feel as though it's one more thing in a long long list of what has been taken from me.

[Mary]

Thank you for your perspectives. I resonate with what both of you have written, that uPDh will be over-the-top religious towards a certain church for a while, and then for some reason or other will back away. Sometimes it is people being people, other times, it's punishing me, still other times it's a benign reason. I think ADD may have something to do with it. The newness wares off, so he's on to something else new. And when you're new at church, you get fawned over a bit. I pray that the kids can see true faith in me, and won't be turned against God through it all. I do my best to teach them on the side and out of ear-shot so I am not being in his face about it. But Sunday's a comin...

[SparkStillLit]

I feel like if I do want to go to church, I'm going to have to SNEAK there. But he's started this obnoxiousness of getting up SUPER EARLY all of a sudden. He's never done this in the twenty five cotton picking years of our marriage, he isn't into morning, and most people aren't into 4:30. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was messing around in my brain and divining my thoughts so he could mess up my plans. I don't do anything at 4:30 except relax knowing he's sleeping and isn't going to come thump-thump-thumping up the stairs and interrupt me for heaven knows what stupid thing!
Well, no more. Now he hovers me at the coffee pot, and boxes me in the kitchen, and.....

[Mary]

Yes, been there. But then that phase passed, thankfully!!

Maybe you could find a church that meets on Saturday/Sunday night. Or lots of churches have during-the-week women-only Bible studies.

I'll pray for your solution. Please pray for mine. I'm so worn out from the crazy-making tonight.

[SparkStillLit]

I'll pray for our solutions and a way out of this sticky mess. I JUST want to go to church!

[Mary]

Update: I have completely backed off of requesting to go to my preferred church on Sunday mornings as uPDh is consistently and cheerfully taking the family to his choice for church. It is a huge relief to not wonder what we are doing Sunday morning and when. I take the kids with me to my church on occasion on Wednesday evenings or other events when DH is at work or doing something else. I don't know how long this period of stability will last, but it is a huge blessing to have this area of life settled for now.

[SonofThunder]

Mary, glad you are experiencing some relief (even if temporary) to your situation.

SoT

[Worthy of Care]

My situation is different since my children are adults. Also, my husband is passive. Because of issues in the church, I am the one who decided to leave the church that we had attended for decades. My H is still there. I'm not sure what I would have done if my kids were still young and attending with us.

To me, church is family. Very hard to leave and start somewhere else. Mary & SparkstillLit, praying for wisdom for you both and for the sea to be parted so that you may freely attend church.

[1footouttadefog]

I also feel your pain. 

I stayed in a church longer than I would have to keep the family together.

I worried about my kids not getting what I thought was ideal from the church but my spouse was comfortable there and I thought it was going or for the kids to see us all going as a family.

I am relieved that even after all the worry turbo d at University has found a group of Christians to fellowship with.  She attends various Christian functions on campus and engages in Bible study.  She is at the same time comfortable engaging in study groups or grabbing lunch on campus with kids whose genders, pronouns, and orientations she is unsure of.

My youngest is still reading her bible as evidenced by discussing various scriptures with myself and her sister in conversation.  We have not been attending and she is ready to find a church again. 

So even if things are not perfect there is hope they will turn out alright, and hold to their faith.

[Mary]

Thank you for your encouraging comments! Thank God that salvation is freely offered when we accept Christ's pardon. I appreciate the advice to teach them that church attendance does not save us. I hope the kids will grow up knowing a handful of other believers we have consistently interacted with that can serve as examples and confidants. I'm trying to strategically set up interactions with those folks especially when uPDh is not there. It feels like separating part of the church experience to outside of church, but it's working. I feel that the corporate worship experience is important on a number of levels (maybe worthy of another thread later), but I can live with it not being my first pick of which church. Just glad it's consistent for the time being!

[1footouttadefog]

I think many Christians often fail to build up chosen families/tribes because they are enmeshed with their churches.

I think that many see the church as a one stop shop for all needs outside the home.  Many churches set them selves up as the one stop solution.  Many mega churches use this as a growth strategy.

People often go for the social life and family activities etc and worship is secondary.  I also notice that these types of churches are often light in Bible study and worship and mission efforts and high on payroll and entertainment.

There are no perfect churches, and fortunately there are various types so everyone should be able to find a match.

The  Church is paralleled with marriage in the Bible.  In the same way some e mesh with the church for alln all in one social structure, some people over depend on a marriage partner for all emotional and friendship needs.

I think this sets up marriage partners to fail.  A husband cannot be a group of girlfriends and a wife cannot be the guys. 

[thedoghousedweller]

Mary, I can identify.  Uspdw never is happy in church.   She has decided she will continue to watch the service from home while I go with DD.  She talks about attending a different church although this was the one she chose.

I feel isolated at church as I am a lone wolf so to speak.   Truth is. I feel for the single folks in the midst of all the couples and families.   

Pdw has said that people at church are too cheerful too early in the morning.   Really that means she doesn't want to be part of a community.   I seek relationships  with others and won't let her behavior stop me.

Anyway,  I don't feel bad for attending without her.   I am getting used to being the married man who never appears with his wife.   

DHD

[1footouttadefog]

Amazingly I can relate to the being left out as a single despite being married.

My souse is awkward socially and worse.  We just cannot socialize well as a couple.  Yet married couples in churches often feel uncomfortable with a spare around.  My being twenty years younger than the average couple I attended church with made this more difficult.  Many women saw me as a threat.  I was not included in their retired women days out and all the recounting if them at gatherings or fellowship time,  And was seen as a threat if I chatted with the men.  Like not girlie enough to shop at the boutique and grab lunch at a bistro, but so powerfully female that talking about gardening or fixing lawn mowers was going to muse the old guys .

[Mary]

I think many Christians often fail to build up chosen families/tribes because they are enmeshed with their churches.

That is a really interesting way of thinking about it! From this lens, it is healthy to have a chosen group to associate with that may or may not be part of your particular church. I have heard/read that you become like the people you associate with, so it makes sense to choose strategically.

On the topic of being a "married single" at events, my small group is now accustomed to me and the kids coming without my uPDh, so it's not awkward anymore. I've been with this group long enough that some have personally experienced PD behaviors from him. It makes them a great support for me when I need it, Thank God!