Husband thinks I’m exaggerating and too sensitive

[Amedee]

Hi, I got married two years ago, and about the same time decided to go almost no contact with family of origin.  The most pressing reason was because I needed as much emotional bandwidth and sanity as possible to successfully bond with my husband.
I am late middle age, first marriage.  My whole extended family are very attractive, winsome, intelligent, worldly people.  Emotionally there has never been any true connection.  My Recently deceased father was a covert narc, and it took me most of my life to see that.  I am the only one who sees that.   I was always his fave, because I could prop him up and make him feel good.   He could be sweet as pie, then turn on a dime and be sneakily sadistic. I always felt less-than, and like a ghost in my family.  Mother is/was a cold, dismissive woman.  Very rejecting, yet clingy and controlling.  I see now that she always partially  blamed me for my father's lack of love.  I was the "other woman".  Brothers have always regarded me with a suspicion I couldn't understand.  All this is super subtle and under the radar of course. I have been actively involved in my healing for years - it seems it will be a life long journey. 

Sooooo, this Decision to cut off from family is very isolating.  1.) Because life long covert narc abuse is a mind F, and almost impossible to get validation for.    2.) I have no way to explain my VVL contact to my extended family without looking like the crazy one, so I have sort of cut off from them, too.  Not that there was ever a ton of contact. I have always been the most symptomatic member of my family (depression).  3.) It is utterly devastating as a woman to cut off from your entire family - no matter how disconnected and painful it was.  The guilt is just about impossible to resolve.

Enter new husband.  Our problem:  In theory he gets the trouble I have with fam, but he is also captivated by their glamour and winsome qualities.  Also, they live in very interesting places.  He will sometimes bring them up, wonder how they're doing, and discuss the possibility of future visits.  I am so not healed.  It is such a painful, grief-filled, shame inducing topic for me.  I just quietly implode and have to get away from him, since explanations only lead to him seeing me as slightly crazy and way too sensitive.  It is like running into a brick wall.  His heels are dug in.  It's the invalidating family all over again.  I do start to feel crazy.  So I'm here to unload and maybe ease my mind.
I know I need a thicker skin, and stand my ground without all the anxiety.  But how to get it?
Can anyone here relate?

[Amedee]

Actually, I can condense my post to this:  How to respond when your spouse likes and is flattered by your covert N family, and agrees with them that you are being too sensitive.

[MamaDryad]

I think it really depends; there's a version of this situation where he just doesn't get it, and there's a version where he gets something out of you being in that position. Only you know which applies.

How much access do they have to him, that they can flatter him? Does he have contact with them separately from you?

[Amedee]

I hear you, MamaDryad.  They live a long plane flight away, and he only met them once for about a week.  He is intrigued - and maybe flattered - because they are all very interesting people with interesting connections, and they like him.   He would love to go back and visit.  Yeah, it's confusing and hurtful to me that he doesn't take my feelings seriously.   But, frankly, it is very very rare for me to find anyone who fully gets it and can validate me.  That's why I give him the benefit of the doubt.

I need more techniques to put aside my ever present guilt and self doubt, and simply stand my ground on this issue.  I may tell him that if he can't get it, then I am just not going to discuss my family with him for the forseeable future.  That is not good for marriage, but I guess it's on me to model self respect rather than collapsing into myself each time this comes up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

He met them once for a week and they were surely at their most charming. New blood, and all that. Surely he can fathom that you have a much longer and deeper experience with them? Surely as a grown man he understands that first impressions rarely tell the whole story? Surely as your spouse your well-being matters more to him than interesting and flattering connections and vacations?

You don't sound thin-skinned, you sound very reasonably hurt

[MamaDryad]

You don't sound thin-skinned, you sound very reasonably hurt

I agree with this.

It's good that there is no ongoing contact. In my experience, it's hard for people who don't come from dysfunctional families to really understand, but that doesn't mean they can't respect our boundaries. If you tell him that it hurts you when he brings them up, and he keeps doing it, that's a problem; he doesn't have to understand, but he does have to care more about his wife than about being right/keeping up appearances/preserving the good opinion of people he's only met once.

[Amedee]

Thank you for the validation.  Husband is empathy impaired, but I don't think it's malicious.  He just doesn't see it as being a big deal.  His own upbringing was no piece of cake, but he doesn't like to dwell on it.    I can't be the only one here with this problem.   

I will just tell him that it can hurt when this topic comes up, so I won't be talking about it.  Short and simple.   It will feel lonely. 
On the upside, he does have a growth mindset, and changes himself if he thinks it's reasonable.  It will be important that I stay calm and self assured so he can hear me.

[Lillith65]

[. If you tell him that it hurts you when he brings them up, and he keeps doing it, that's a problem

This is excellent advice.

[GettingOOTF]

You don't need a thicker skin. You need to be surrounded by supportive and understanding people.

I found that once I came to terms with abuse in one area it opened up my eyes to abuse in other relationships. I am sorry you husband is not supporting you in this. It's really not his place to decide how you should or shouldn't feel about how your family treats you. It's really his place to support you on his journey, but it's also his choice where he will or won't.

I am also considered "the crazy one" in my family as I'm the only one who spoke out. This is common in these situations, there has been a lot written about what happens to the person who speaks out in a dysfunctional family. You know your own truth. Hold on to that and find people and places filled with those who understand what you are going through. How you husband thinks you should feel has zero to do with how you feel.

There is a lot of support here. Many of us know what it's like to be in your situation both with the FOO and the unsupportive spouse.

[lotusblume]

I think a good question to ask yourself maybe, is this the only area or one of the only areas of your relationship where you feel invalidated by him, or is there a lack of understanding/compassion across many different topics?

It's normal for our spouses to not "get" everything that we are going through, but trust your instincts. Is this a pattern of behaviour?

To be honest, it sounds like you are gaslighting yourself a bit here and have every right to be upset over not having your emotional needs met here.

[MamaDryad]

I think a good question to ask yourself maybe, is this the only area or one of the only areas of your relationship where you feel invalidated by him, or is there a lack of understanding/compassion across many different topics?

This jumped out to me as well. In particular, the idea that you have to be perfectly rational and composed or he won't hear you... that is troubling.

[Amedee]

Well, yeah.  It is deeply upsetting.  Validation and loyalty are so healing. 

By "hear", I mean emotionally hear in a way that doesn't make him feel blamed or attacked for my feelings.  I do overreact by getting very sad, going into a shame spiral and pulling away/silent treatment, which is in turn triggering and hurtful for him.  I want to get a handle on that.  Hoping to find some practical tips here. 

[Amedee]

I want to say something like: "Honey, I know you care about my feelings.  When we talk about <family> and <family friends/locations>, I can get upset and go down the rabbit hole so fast.  There is still a lot of hurt and grief.  I'm going to avoid that topic for a while."  And then stick to my resolution.

He really is a good guy who has shown me he cares and is willing to grow.

[MamaDryad]

I get what you mean. It's just that have been in relationships with people who have demanded that I be able to discuss things unemotionally before they will listen to me, and whatever their reasons, it was very painful.

("too sensitive" may also be a bit of a trigger phrase for me, so I might be projecting a bit)

I'm glad that he's demonstrated in the past that he can change and grow when you need him to. I hope he can do so with this.

[Amedee]

"Too sensitive" is a huge trigger for me, too.  I feel reality slipping away and my legs go wobbly when I hear that in relation to my family.

So, I probably am too sensitive due to trauma.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Amedee, I totally get/have gotten into a similar situation as you, concerning my supportive (but at times imperfectly supportive) husband and the way he sees my family.

This is the first advice that comes to mind: with you being almost no contact with your family, maybe put it on him that if he wants to see/have any sort of relationship with your family, he will have to do all the work and make the arrangements himself if he wants to see them. And even then, he'll have to see them alone, or only rarely with your accompaniment (if you feel like it). I doubt that will be comfortable for him.

What's more, I get a sense (and I may be wrong) that your husband says such and such about your "charming" family to urge *you* to do the work to keep in touch with them so he can see them. He might change his mind if he is made to fully realize that is totally on him, not you, and wholly because of how painful it is to be any closer to them than you already are. It might even close the door on the subject forever and make him realize that it's completely not worth it.

My husband was also "charmed" by my extremely covert and what you could call "classy" family, and kind of still is, up until a few weeks ago when he found out how low they would go to drag us both into their games and false reality. He's finally beginning to be disillusioned by them, and I think in time your husband will start to get there, too (though the idea of NC and even VLC is baffling to him).   

My husband is also emotionally immature and empathy impaired in some ways, and though he's hugely supportive, he tends to learn the hard way and slowly about the true nature of people, which is really isolating for me too. I totally get it. I think things are at an early stage but still nevertheless very difficult, and I hope it does get better!

[Amedee]

DistancenotDefense, yes, I think he would love to go visit to enjoy all the perks and the travel.  Also, he probably thinks I torture myself over them unnecessarily, and should free myself up and get on with things.  I do work every day to attain that sort of emotional freedom, since going no contact with family is a desperate measure of last resort but not a real solution in my eyes. 

He really is a good guy.  I view setting calm, loving boundaries with him as part of my journey to attaining that health and freedom.

[Sidney37]

I get it, too.  My DH only saw my family once or twice a year and just a few brief times before we moved in together years after we started dating. 

My husband admitted, when we were taking about old situations with my family, that it took him almost 20 years to get it.   He gets it now.  It took therapy, VLC, drama, NC, their threats that I predicted but he couldn't believe might be said to an adult child or grandchild.  The idea that parents, who are supposed to love and support you, could be so covertly manipulative was foreign to him. He was naive because these things didn't happen in his family.  He knows that he would have handled things so differently now that he understands their motives and what they are capable of.  After years of refusing to block people on phones and social media because it was just so foreign to him, he is doing it and sees why it must be done. 

The "too sensitive" remark is a trigger for so many of us.  What my DH finally realized was that PDm used loaded words, phrases and language that had history and an intent to hurt me.  If those comments were made by another person in another context, they would not be abusive.  Because  my covert PDm had years of knowledge and experience on how to covertly abuse, I came across as "too sensitive".   Once he started seeing the pattern (because he had been around long enough to make the connections between previous incidents and her hurtful words) he realized that I wasn't "too sensitive".  Quite the opposite.   She is intentionally and covertly abusive and manipulative.  And once that behavior was directed toward his children (because her words were loaded and based on more recent incidents to which he was a witness) he clearly saw that I wasn't angry enough. He's done with them.

I say this all because with hard work change can happen.   It's not impossible, but it can take time, but understanding and work.   He didn't understand for a very long time. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

DistancenotDefense, yes, I think he would love to go visit to enjoy all the perks and the travel.  Also, he probably thinks I torture myself over them unnecessarily, and should free myself up and get on with things.  I do work every day to attain that sort of emotional freedom, since going no contact with family is a desperate measure of last resort but not a real solution in my eyes. 

He really is a good guy.  I view setting calm, loving boundaries with him as part of my journey to attaining that health and freedom.

Amedee, again, I relate all too much here! DH is definitely imperfect in my eyes but a good guy. Worth sticking with. As I'm sure yours is, too. He's supportive to a T and always has my side, but he has doubts of course because he hasn't "deciphered" how abusive my FOO actions are fully (even though they have even directed abuse towards him!)

Eventually, our partners will get it when they see the boundary-pushing in action....I think it's inevitable. Though it sucks to feel like you're being "too sensitive" while getting there (those words are a huge trigger for me too). Creating my own boundaries with him has helped enormously. And it's been a huge source of healing from my enmeshed, boundary-less family, it's like he gives me the practice in a healthy and non-threatening way.

If those comments were made by another person in another context, they would not be abusive.

Sidney37 you put this so well in words that I haven't been able to find. And this is exactly it, and why partners don't wise up to the abuse right away. Because it's designed to "seem" harmless when it really is harmful.

My DH is still in the process of putting the pieces together and he's worried about my decision to be NC. But he *has* seen enough strange behavior and been the receptacle for enough treatment that, while he doesn't "get" NC, he supports my decision and seems more willing to watch and see rather than question my choice at this time. It hasn't always been this way, it's a slow process.

[Amedee]

DistanceNotDefense, 
I *wish* my husband were supportive to a T.  He likes to make up his own mind about things, and my feelings don't always enter into his equation.  Like you, I have chosen to embrace this as a growing up and self-differentiation opportunity.  Whether I differentiate myself right out of the marriage remains to be seen.  I don't thinks so.  He is a good guy, and has a growth mindset.  I won't lie, though.  It's hard.  The empathy deficits are definitely there.

My FOO aggressions are so subtle and underhanded - I very rarely talk to anyone about it, because I inevitably come off looking like the crazy one.   I doubted myself for many decades until recent years, when my getting healthier and less depressed collided with my parents' increased (but still sneaky and covert) acting out to regain control of me.  My father has passed, but my mother is all curious and delightful with my husband, while talking over me and not at all listening to what I say.  Sadly, yes, he is flattered by that.  And sadly he doesn't see why I should be so hurt by that.  Ugh.  This isn't making him look good, is it.  Reality is, I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't act the same in that situation.