How does your PD make you feel like everything is your fault?

[lifebalance]

I've been married for nearly 25 years to a undiagnosed PD. Until the past 3–5 years or so as I began to see my own codependence, I was blinded to how much she blamed me for which wasn't my fault at all. She blamed so much of her hurt and anger in all areas of our relationship on ways I'd legitimately hurt her in the past. I felt such guilt for the wrong that I'd done that I found myself convinced that all of these other unrelated complaints were my fault, too. She blamed me for being controlling, self-absorbed, uncaring, and so many other traits commonly associated with PD. To the extent that I questioned many times if I was actually the deceived one. It's like I was under a spell.

It may be worth mentioning that I don't believe she's intentionally twisting reality. I believe her accusations are the ways she genuinely sees things. But after a lot of self-reflection and searching, I believe most of it is nothing more than her own issues she's unknowingly projecting onto me. It's as real to her as my confusion and hurt is to me.

What I'm looking for here is the experience of others in this area. What types of behaviors has your PD partner accused you of which you believe to be completely false? Also, does it seem to you they truly believe what they're saying, or do you believe they're knowingly twisting reality to disorient you?

[Lauren17]

This is what I think of as the Emotional Whipping Boy. Remember the stories that no one could lay a hand on the young prince?  So they would find a little boy of the same age to be his playmate. When the prince was naughty, the playmate was punished. He was the Whipping Boy.
My uBPDh only allows himself to feel "fine." So if there's hurt, anger, frustration, etc., I have to feel it. I also have to be responsible for it. At least, in his mind. I don't think this is premeditated on his part, it's just how he's learned to cope.
Yes, I've been called selfish and bossy and mean and controlling and on and on. For years, I would feel guilty and apologize and beg for forgiveness.
Since I learned about the Emotional Whipping Boy, I've stopped accepting the accusations. I've stopped accepting the feelings. I'm learning, slowly, that he can't make me feel anything. I own my own feelings.

[Samuel S.]

My wife has twisted reality so much so, that I had believed it so much. I came to blame myself. For example, with money that I inherited, I have improved our home. She has never once contributed. We have also gone on some nice vacations, she, I, and her side of the family. I even gave money for her therapy. I even gave one of her friends some money as a loan, none of which has been returned. I have paid our mortgage consistently every month for the last 19 years, and we have 3 more years left of mortgage payments. I also pay for a lot of bills related to our home, Internet, etc. I have even saved $500 a month for her daughter's education which I now have stopped.

There have been many times that she said that I have spent too much and that our home would be paid off, if I hadn't spent so much. So, she blames me that we don't have enough. In the meantime, she earns way more than I do. She pays for her daughter's rent, and she takes care of her own credit card bill.

So, our SOs do like to twist reality, make up things, manipulate things so that they are the innocent ones without ever looking into the mirror that they share, if not, have total responsibility. Bottom line, they are like wounded animals who decide to hurt instead of being realistic and working with us.

[losingmyself]

I am accused of 'Yelling' quite often. "I didn't do it because you yelled at me." when I know that I didn't yell at all. I am not a 'yeller'.
I am always blamed for spending money frivolously. I don't.
I am not mean, angry, manipulative, nor do I have any nefarious plans to bring him down, or make him look foolish.
I also am not cheating on him, but I don't know if he believes this or if it's just a way to criticize me.  Suggesting that my knees hurt because I am on them all day at work.
I honestly don't know if he truly believes some of this stuff, but I remember when it started, I was so taken aback, I was speechless, and all I knew to do was JADE.
Now I just say to myself, "your thought, not the truth." Doesn't have anything to do with me.
I think often times that it must be awful inside that head. Imagine always looking for the bad, expecting people to let you down, and if they make a mistake, now you have to hate them forever. What a weight to carry.

[lifebalance]

Thank you all for your responses. I can relate to a piece of every one of them. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in experiencing this. I appreciate the support.

[Dave-41692]

My BPW will say I ruined her life and I've never done anything for her. It's hard for that to be true because it's so extreme. I also know she has a history of misery well before me. Another good example. We were on vacation and her behavior started to escalate to the point where I walked in on her and her 2 girls and the 2 girls were crying and she punched me as soon as I came in. Her behavior was bad enough that hotel manage was aware and arranged for me and her 2 daughters to stay in a separate room undisclosed to my wife so she could cool off. I took the girls to dinner and shortly after the police approached me saying that my wife said I'm a pedophile and have kidnapped the kids. The police interviewed me, the girls, her ex-husband and my wife and determined the girls would be safest with me. So yeah...

I believe she truly believes what she is saying. Even when she has said later "I didn't mean what I said, I was just hurting". In the moment, when I look into her eyes, she is fully invested in what she is saying. It's like watching a great actor, you don't think they are acting, you think you are watching how they truly are.

I do not believe she is twisting reality to disorient me although it does disorient me. There is a storm inside of her that eventually reveals itself in erratic behavior that takes it out on me. The pain of what is inside her is so intense, causing a fight with me is a way of distracting her from that pain. Which is why the most loving thing I can do is remove myself which forces her to sit with the pain so she can learn to manage it. This whole disease is a miracle of evolution because there are certain things they do that are very effective, albeit unproductive, at arguing and throwing you off balance, but I don't think it's orchestrated. Couple examples: 1) She gets hyper critical of me. It could be out of the blue or in response to me asking her for something. It's very effective in keeping me from criticizing her because I'm always on the defensive. 2) She accuses me of doing exactly what she does and may be doing right at that moment. It's brilliant. All you could say is "That's what you're doing" and now you have 2 nuts accusing each of the same thing. But I don't think she's using a strategy to throw me off, which is why I say it's a miracle of evolution.   

[tommom]

I can certainly relate. I was shocked to read about it in "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and End the Drama" by Magalis Fjelstad. I had never realized it was...anything. BTW,  if you want to look it up, it is on pages 33 and 34 under the heading "Blaming the Caretaker".

If you haven't read it, it is a life-changing book. I highly recommend it (and, in fact, got the referral from this site).

As the child of a PDm, I was blamed that all of my life, so my PDh blaming me was not new. I simply accepted it. Not any more and I am no longer shocked by it, but it is, as always, still deeply disturbing.

[Boat Babe]

All that projection, wow!

That's the pathology of the disorder being played out in real time. Healthy people just don't do this type of crap. It's so damaging, especially when there are kids involved. Still leaves me breathless.

Sending  to everyone.

[1footouttadefog]

Its like a toddler saying, no you are a liar, no you are being a meanie,

Thet are stuck at a very young age emotionally. 

And never under estimate the degree to which it is knowingly a play act to them.  The goal is to suport the false self and they will do so at all costs.

[Samuel S.]

My wife told me yesterday that she is still working so that I have insurance. When she retires, she continues having insurance, but I don't get the coverage. I said that's more the reason why I need to get my own insurance. She replied that only her insurance is ideal, that if I were to get another insurance, that I wouldn't get the same "ideal" insurance as hers. Consequently, any bills coming in, she would have to pay, if I wouldn't be able to cover them. As an example, she said my meds would cost of $8,000 a year. I told her I will pay for my part of the insurance that she is covering weekly to which she said she could continue taking care of it.

So, these are some possible options I have, it seems. I leave her. I die while I live here. I buy insurance that doesn't necessarily cover everything. So, it seems I am at fault for being older. So, it seems I am at fault for even living!

[losingmyself]

Samuel, her 'ideal insurance' idea might be just her opinion, like her opinion of your doctors.
I would check out my own insurance if I were you. You never know. Go to an insurance broker, and they will find the best deal for you.
It just seems controlling for her to 'own' your insurance, and this is one way to assert your independence.
Says the kettle to the pot

[Call Me Cordelia]

So your wife is sure that you would not be able to get insurance that covers your medicines? Interesting. So she thinks her working forever is her best option. At least until you have the decency to die?

[Matteblak]

I am accused of 'Yelling' quite often. "I didn't do it because you yelled at me." when I know that I didn't yell at all. I am not a 'yeller'.
I am always blamed for spending money frivolously. I don't.
I am not mean, angry, manipulative, nor do I have any nefarious plans to bring him down, or make him look foolish.
I also am not cheating on him, but I don't know if he believes this or if it's just a way to criticize me.  Suggesting that my knees hurt because I am on them all day at work.
I honestly don't know if he truly believes some of this stuff, but I remember when it started, I was so taken aback, I was speechless, and all I knew to do was JADE.
Now I just say to myself, "your thought, not the truth." Doesn't have anything to do with me.
I think often times that it must be awful inside that head. Imagine always looking for the bad, expecting people to let you down, and if they make a mistake, now you have to hate them forever. What a weight to carry.

This sounds so familiar!!! Thank you for sharing. I would think I was going crazy.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh, blaaarrggghhh. I have been accused of being controlling, of never allowing anyone any space (this from somebody who demands to know my THOUGHTS!!!!), of cheating -I'm sooooo sick of that one, twenty five years of that bullcrap, heaven forbid I breathe in anybody elses's space, the latest and greatest nonsense is how mean and cold I am. Since this is all projection -I hate to assume the cheating is too, but wtf?-, then I guess he's feeling mean and cold of late.
I am NOT the mirror for how he feels about himself. His favorite thing to say, if I stupidly engage with him, is a somewhat adulted up version of I know you are but what am I. You know, how kindergarteners taunt one another?
If we get there, I KNOW I've fallen off the wagon.

[Boat Babe]

Oh Spark ❤️ I don't know your story but that seems like a lifetime of misery. What are your plans going forward?

[SparkStillLit]

I don't have the....I don't know what you call it....means? to exit right now. My T says not to waste energy on that right now, but to focus on protecting myself where I am. So I'm doing that. Boundaries and self care. Sometimes I vent here.

[Witchita234]

My PD ex cheated, then got mad at me for being upset about it? She was pissed off that I couldn't just get past it and move on and felt like I was hanging on to the past. (Severe gas lighting and invalidation of feelings) I ended up feeling like it was my fault that we weren't on good terms like if I had just forgiven her and moved on with our relationship we would have been fine. . .

In addition to this. After I ended the relationship, I still wanted to be friends, not realizing this meant something completely different to her. She was prone to having sex with her exes a lot, usually cheating with them. And so when I declined to do this with her, considering I was still her by the cheating, lying, abuse ect. She decided that because she couldn't have me the way she wanted to, that she didn't want me in her life at all. As if, my decision was the one that broke us off in the first place.

I am so sad to hear about your situation!

[ploughthrough2021]

I ve been married to a PD for the same time as you plus 5 years together before. And yes, what you re saying is exactly what I am experiencing. I believe it s part of their character trait and now convinced that cannot be changed....