Some encouragement

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Associate of Daniel

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Some encouragement
« on: September 06, 2020, 05:18:31 AM »
I write this at a promising stage of my co parenting (parallell parenting) journey.

Ds13 is doing well and he and I have a comfortable and I think, strong relationship.

There are still dramas with his uNPD dad and his uNPD smother. And I know we're only at the start of his teenage years. But things are looking promising for the end of the tunnel.

I want to encourage all of you who are doing the hard yards of coparenting with a pd.

We sacrifice so much for the well being of our kids. Especially when doing it in pd land.

But be encouraged that no matter how hard it is, no matter how bad it is, every second of the fight is unspeakably worth it.

Look forward to the day when your children are healthy independent adults.  Or even if they continue to have struggles then. Wouldn't you look back and think, "I'd do it all again."?

Every second spent with your children is an unfathomable blessing.  Even the hard times when they reject you.

Yes, I foolishly and ignorantly chose an unhealthy man to be my ds's father. I foolishly enabled the relationship between my uNPD H and his uNPD girlfriend throughout our marriage.

I'm sufferering the consequences for that now, and will for the rest of my life.

But the lessons I've learned, the growth I've grown is worth it. And the fundamental privelege and blessing of being a mum is incomparable to anything else in my life. Aside from God, who gave me my ds in the first place.

When my life is stripped back, the blessing of being a mum is incomprehensibly priceless.

So be encouraged. Keep going.  It's so worth it.

AOD

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athene1399

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2020, 11:38:27 AM »
Thank you, AoD. Sometimes I want to wish BM out of our life but without BM there would be no SD and I wouldn't' trade her for anything. :)

Well said!

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Medowynd

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2020, 05:33:25 PM »
Good for you taking a long view.  You may be surprised in a few years, that your son will want minimal contact with the ex and his wife.  Both of my stepchildren have basically very low contact with their mother.  My stepson has no contact with her except for an occasional phone call.  I think you will find many blessings in the years ahead.  I would continue to pray for your son that his eyes are always opened and that which is done in darkness is brought into the light.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2020, 06:22:16 AM »
Thanks.

I do pray for my ds13 - for pretty much what you said, Medowynd.

It's hard to know what to pray for as I want my desires to be aligned to God's will.

Lately it's been that he would grow up to have a relationship with his uNPD father, but that it would be surrounded by strong boundries. And that he (ds) would reach a point of healthy acceptance of the emotional unavailabilty of his uNPD father.

And that he would make the decision to go no contact with his uNPD smother.  Now that's the one I struggle with.  It goes totally against my nature. But I believe in this case it's the safest thing for ds. It's better than praying for her to die!

Anyway, he is an  amazing young teenager and I am so, so blessed to be his mum.

AOD

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athene1399

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2020, 09:04:48 AM »
We tell SD all the time there is nothing wrong with limiting contact with people who are toxic and bad for her mental health. It doesn't matter who it is. If it keeps her mentally and physically safe, that is all that matters.


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Medowynd

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2020, 03:55:14 PM »
I know that is can be a challenge on how to pray.  I ask for the Lord's wisdom in how to pray in many situations.  For the uNPD smother, I personally never having a problem with praying for an evil person to be removed from a life or situation.

I was married to PD and he was a "doormat for Jesus."  I can't even explain how evil this "Doormat for Jesus" was and how he expected me to accept any kind of abuse from him or anyone else.  This included, never using self-defense for your family or others.  So my view, is that we are never to be "doormats for Jesus."  Ask for wisdom and I believe that you will find the guidance in how to pray for this situation.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2020, 06:08:58 PM »
If it helps, I pray simply that my step kids make it through childhood mentally stable and healthy and go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives.  I pray they become the people they are meant to be, not the people anyone else wants them to be.   I pray that they end up in healthy and loving relationships with someone that treats them as a wonderful gift.

I would take all the difficulty away from them if I could, but the reality is there will no doubt be bumps and bruises along the way.  Sometimes these bumps redirect us in a different direction, sometimes a better direction.  I just hope whatever happens, they stay safe, healthy, and are able to spread their wings as adults to live the life of their dreams.

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Stillirise

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Re: Some encouragement
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2020, 11:35:28 PM »
Thank you for this. It has really helped me re-frame my thinking this evening.  I have been having one of those days where Iíve felt overwhelmed by single parenting and divorcing a PD. Iíve also been dwelling on how I allowed my life to end up this way.   

While DS11 and DD9 have handled the changes and the divorce process quite well so far, I canít help but wonder if Iím doing enough some days. 

I often pray for guidance, peace, and wisdom, for myself, for them, and for the stbxUPDh.  Our home is already much more calm and peaceful. Both children tell me regularly that they are grateful for me, and all that I do.  I will have to accept that as my prayers being answered for now, I suppose. 
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, Iíll rise.
óMaya Angelou