BP Sister just texted me she wants to leave her husband

[marymackblack]

We have only been in touch to talk about our mother who has Alzheimers, before that I had gone NC for 5 months. Now she drops this news. I don't want to get embroiled or help her through this.

[Starboard Song]

It is perfectly fine to have very little to say about this: "wow. That must be a hard decision." You don't owe entanglement to your sister. You can be decent and loving without listening to details, getting involved, or acting as a counsellor.

Good strength to you!

[marymackblack]

Thank you for this, exactly what I need to remember!

[guitarman]

Stay calm.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe, don't absorb.

It's what I try to remember to do.

[marymackblack]

Thank you Guitarman ! I really appreciate these and writing them down to keep nearby. Love your quotes too. Thank you.

[nanotech]

I agree. Be very careful.
There's that word 'want' in there. It's not a definite. It's probably a fish for your opinion. If you give one, you could end up getting the blame for how this goes.
In the past my family have even denied that they started the issue and claimed it came from me. It's a way of avoiding responsibility for their choices.
If she changes her mind she might do this.

[marymackblack]

Thank you nanotech , this is so helpful. Very good point. She is always fishing, she used to ask me tons of questions about what she should do- before I finally went NC. I used to feel obligated and only got burned. I have to remember, one of her episodes is always just around the corner.

[GettingOOTF]

You do not have to get involved with this at all. My family is like this. They will wait until the worst time to make some dramatic announcement that puts the attention on them.

My sister is in a very abusive marriage. She refuses to leave. She caused a lot of upheaval and stress in my life through her venting and expecting me to be her therapist. I eventually told her that I would not discuss her marriage with her. It was a hard thing for me to say and I felt so guilty and selfish but I was in no position to be there for her to dump on. 

She would say she wanted to leave and I'd run around like crazy trying to set things up for her. Then she's either stay or if she did leave go back the next day. It was exhausting.

You are not obligated to be there for her. I'd practice some Grey Rock phrases to say when she brings it up.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You say you used to feel obligated, but got burned. Remember that feeling because it is very real and tends to repeat itself. Take a breath. Those with PD tend to stir drama to get attention or until they get some reaction from us. Any reaction will due.
   
Her messaging saying she "wants" to leave is different from saying she "is" leaving, or "has" left. Wanting to do something seems to pull others into a process that is still unfolding. I question the timing of this message after 5 months of NC.   
     
I would do as others suggest and proceed with caution. Observe do not engage. If she does take a definitive action, then you can decide if you want to do anything further. Even then, you are not obligated to become embroiled in her situation or to help her. It is her life and she is the one that has to do the work. If you are like others here, you may have already done enough to help in the past to no avail - other than just becoming exhausted.

[Mazzie]

Her messaging saying she "wants" to leave is different from saying she "is" leaving, or "has" left. Wanting to do something seems to pull others into a process that is still unfolding. I question the timing of this message after 5 months of NC.   
     
Very well said. Nister would always pull something dramatic out of the bag after a few months. She told me she had tests for cancer (not the first time she has said this), and left a voice mail when I didn't respond, saying tearfully  'the prognosis is cancer' (WRONG wording; it should be 'the DIAGNOSIS is cancer'). All this against the backdrop of my lovely husband recently being daignoesed with terminal cancer. He died seven years ago, she is still alive and well. 

I think there may be a tiny niggling feeling in the OP's mind that nister needs help. How ironic that NPDs have highly empathetic siblings   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think there may be a tiny niggling feeling in the OP's mind that nister needs help. How ironic that NPDs have highly empathetic siblings   

I agree it is so ironic that NPDs have highly empathic siblings. I suppose our nature is what worked in the relationship, until of course the empathic sibling says 'no more'. If we don't, it seems the NPD sibling will just keep taking. I always think it puts an unfair burden on us empathic ones to have to make that choice. It lets the offender claim innocent victimhood. I am sorry about your husband's cancer journey. When us empathic siblings say we have a real issue, we usually do.