Passive aggression

[11JB68]

I am trying to take a closer look at my own dysfunctional responses to Updh.
I sunk into passive aggression this week
Such a long story. We ended up in a big fight about the cleaning of the house. He repeatedly used excuses that a) he doesn't know where things are kept and b) he's in pain etc and limited what he can do.
First, he has probably organised most of the house so not knowing where stuff is is bs. Also his physical abilities are arbitrary.
Anyway, there's a box of tissues in a spot where he uses them and I don't. Last week he reorganized the cabinet where extra tissues are stored. He also requested that rather than recycle the boxes I leave them for him to use for a project (note that in the past not only did he 'not know where the tissues w were, he also supposedly didn't know the process for recycling the empty boxes... Making the whole thing my job).
So this week I noticed the box was empty and ignored it. For several days. Tonight I get home, after a particularly long stressful day at work and he says "those tissues are empty".
I wanted to say 'and...?' but was so exhausted I just couldn't even imagine dealing with the fight that would ensue...
I know this was not a productive or mature way for me to handle this.
Partly it was an experiment, to see if he would replace the tissues and take the box. But no. It's not about him not knowing where the tissues are or what to do with the empty box. It's about making me do it for him.
Unfortunately I've learned that either I cave and do stuff, or we fight about it.
No in between.

[notrightinthehead]

Would the answer ...aha.....also have produced a fight? What did you end up doing? Did you replace the empty tissues? It does not sound passive aggressive to me if you don't care about the tissues.

[SparkStillLit]

"Those tissues are empty" is a statement. I totally get that it's a demand for action on your part.
Updh uses the exact tactic. He did it with young dog and teen boy, who can be a brat, but in this case it was PERFECT. Boy made a mildly snarky observation in response to the (rather shitty) statement, AND DID NOTHING. Me, I'm wayyyyyy too programmed, and would have hopped to comply. His stupid statements are like saying "Longing...Rusted...Furnace....Seventeen..." you get the idea. If you're a Marvel fan.
I'm working on that.

[11JB68]

Not right... Yes probably would have escalated to a fight. And thx...I guess I felt like I was being passive aggressive, but you're right... The tissues were not my issue.
Spark... Another night I may have engaged and fought, but actually I delegated and asked ds to grab a new box for me. Then asked Updh it he wanted the box 'yeah sure' (but no effort on his part to take it and put it away where he wanted it...I eventually did that too)

[Penny Lane]

I'm all for looking at your own dysfunctional responses.

But, and maybe I'm missing something, this looks more like he put you in a double bind?

He asked you to save the boxes, and you complied. Then he got mad that you saved the box.

I understand that leaving a tissue box out doesn't feel good. But again, it sounds like he asked you to? I'm not sure there's anything you could have done "right" in his eyes.

[11JB68]

Penny, sorry, I didn't explain well...
He wanted the empty box replaced with a full one, and the empty one put in his office for later use.
But I was supposed to do all that... Not him....

[Free2Bme]

 

...maybe you might respond with ..." oh yes, they are in fact empty"...shrug, leave room.  Validate the observation because it was a declarative statement. 
(I say this, but I know it's not always this simple, and there can be repercussions). 

Remember high school english class when we learned about the difference between declarative, interrogative, imperative statements.  Show him that you respond to a statement of fact differently than request such as..."would you please get me another box of tissue?" 

I would not respond to his 'commands' unless the house is on fire.  PD's often think they are above the law and above common courtesy, IME.

[Penny Lane]

Oh I see, got it.

I still say that you were not the problem in this interaction, but I am impressed that you are looking inward as well as outward here.

[tommom]

My PDh and I are going through this in a huge way right now. (Bigger than it has been anyway) It's the kitchen, particularly. I have been injured in such a way that I was told to NOT empty the dishwasher specifically -or anything else that causes me to bend and pick up anything "Heavier than a tissue" (Speaking of tissues!) Doctor's specific orders.

I will admit I have been trained -from birth- to be a servant (as were my sisters) to my PDm and then me and my sisters to three PDhs. I can't do that anymore. Too much time spent on this site, too much reading done in too many awesome books, too much therapy (no, can't have too much of that!), just too much awareness. I know too much. He and I are in a tug-of -war, though. The kitchen cleaning is way too much bending-and-lifting, so I told him he needed to clean it up and load the dishwasher. I could empty the top, I could cook -using a chair, I could do a number of things but NOT clean the kitchen up. It started to look like a bomb went off in it, he was so mad the slave girl quit. I finally took photos on my phone of what the kitchen began to look like and he saw them. (yes, in MY phone) He is fit to be tied but since I guess he didn't know WHY I took the photos,  and couldn't admit to having looked in my phone, what could he do? He cleaned it up. Not like I would, but, I can accept that now.

Oh, and 11J, I got the same in the beginning. "I don't know where things go." I sat down and told him as he emptied the dishwasher. Not that he puts them there, of course, but it let him know -in the nicest way - that cr*p of an excuse wouldn't fly. Before I'd just overlook it. But I had to stop feeling so perfectionistic about it all and let it go. He was mad when I told him I would "help him find the right places for everything", but....

And you are right about the "no in-between". As long as he is with me, I have to be vigilant. Last night he told me to "change the channel" on the TV. We were in bed and the remote was lying between us. Think that was a test of his need to control?

Anyway, I did what I do more and more. I told him to do that himself. (Because, of course, first of all, I am aware that choosing the "wrong" channel because I failed to read his mind properly might also open me to criticism.... ) But I said "I don't know what you want to watch, dear; that's why you should do your own surfing."

I thought when I started this (quite a while before the back injury, now) that it wouldn't work either. It doesn't sometimes, if he just wants to fight, But I just won't engage. I stay pleasant (I call him sweet names, keep my voice pleasant, smile) so, I don't know. Maybe I've managed to wear HIM down.

Anyway, best of luck. Be strong.

[11JB68]

Free2be... You know if he would just ask nicely with complete sentences that would be a huge step in the right direction. I made this specific request several months ago and it hasn't worked out... Often I get one word 'requests'... 'pizza'... 'Ice cream' ... Etc.
So rude and disrespectful, but I've realized that is not going to change.
Tommom...I am so sorry you are going through that. I had a similar experience about 10 or 12 years ago...Updh was MISERABLE that he had to take over household duties and was very unpleasant towards me. Also he didn't do a good job at it and skipped many things that should have been done... Plus couldn't manage to work and be a crappy housekeeper at the same time... Yet I'm expected to do it and with a smile on my face.

[SparkStillLit]

I have this new technique. I discovered it by accident, like "pooping" when I'm not (he barges in on me in the bathroom. Put a stop to THAT.). I guess I'm losing my hearing. I can't hear for sh*t if there's another noise, and someone is talking to me. But how HANDY, because now I can't hear any demands, EITHER!!!
😝😝😝😝😝

[Wilderhearts]

I've heard of using "hmmm" to acknowledge, but not validate or agree with a statement.

Acting out my boundaries (I'm not going to refill the tissues unless I am directly asked, in a respectful, polite way) without articulating them feels like "passive aggression" to me, although I've come to recognize it's not.

It was engrained in me by uNPDf that I was "wrong" to act according to my own boundaries without explaining them and giving him an opportunity to DARVO my boundaries, coerce me into doing what I did not want to do, berate and degrade me for having boundaries at all.

OCPD did this as well.  I withdrew and stopped engaging with her when she became overtly abusive.  It caused a narcissistic injury, and I wasn't "allowed" to disengage from her until we made an explicit agreement that we wouldn't speak except for necessary household issues. 

They think you're wrong to act in accordance with your own values unless you have their permission to do so.  You're also wrong if you don't ask for their permission to do anything, if it's not the thing you should have guessed they wanted. \

I could think of half a dozen examples of what would most definitely be passive aggression in this scenario (some of them are funny....).  Right now, it looks to me like you simply didn't cave into subtle coercion and practiced healthy boundaries (which, by the way, yay you!).  I understand how, for many of us, that can feel like doing the "wrong" thing.

[11JB68]

So yesterday he tells me that he no longer needs the empty tissue boxes. Which I assume the underlying message here is that I should go back to being responsible for replacing empty boxes and recycling them..

[11JB68]

So once again that today box became empty. It's been empty for at least a week. Tonight, I'm at the fridge getting water and I'm startled by a banging. He's banging the empty tissue box on the counter. I say what are you doing?? He says: the tissues are empty, and leaves the box in the middle of the counter and leaves the room.
I disposed of the box and got out new tissues.
Then he says to me, 'did I mention I'm in a lot of pain?'
(Yes, tonight, what about for the past week? Is he even really in pain? And if so, why won't he actually DO something about it? Or is his'pain' some pd thing used for attention and to get his way/sympathy?)

[Wilderhearts]

So once again that today box became empty. It's been empty for at least a week. Tonight, I'm at the fridge getting water and I'm startled by a banging. He's banging the empty tissue box on the counter.

OK now THAT'S passive aggression.