Free to think for a week

[tragedy or hope]

My unpdh has been sick. We think it is a bad cold, no fever etc. but to take precautions, he moved to the other side of the house to the guest bedroom/area. We have a very long hallway that leads to a bedroom, study and bath.

For a week he has been relegated to that area 24 hours a day. He does sit outside on our deck, but we are 10's of feet apart. I have passed food to him in the middle of the hallway on a tray. Done all the suggested stuff. Hand sanitizers etc. We have hardly talked.

Anyway, the house has been so peaceful. I have had most of it to myself. I was able to get things done that have always been my job he races me to do when he is ok.

I have quiet afternoons to be alone. When he is well, he surveils me day and night. He get's up when I do and will sleep on the couch until I am ready for bed. He watches every move I make, he follows me a lot when I am going about my day at home. 

I am grateful to have a life partner at this stage in my life, but I have to say... I haven't felt this free in the 6 years since he retired. I mean MENTALLY free. He absolutely consumes me when I am around him. I have let relationships with our grown kids kind of slip because his ways are so over-powering.

It's been a week and he is almost back to normal. Today he may emerge. I am glad. I don't wish illness on anyone. But... now that I remember what I have been missing and my head is on straight, I am disappointed that I have to do the whole mess again.

It has been really good for me to see I am NOT who he thinks I am. It is kind of like being caged. I can go and do pretty much as I please, but the constant  observation is really unnerving.

He has little if any inner self. He syphons from me and any "entourage" he can create from people outside our home. One of our sons has even called him a narcissist, which he just ignored.

I think this motivates me to encourage him to go out and be with other people as much as possible. But when I do that, he gets suspicious about what I want to do. As you know, they get in your head. Even when they are gone. It is not the perfect solution but better than none. No verbal contact and staying out of his presence has been very energizing.

Anyway, it's been delightful.  I am refreshed to remember my self and how well I do without his constant supervision. Narcissism is real, and it does just as it is described.

I have never seen it so clearly as people here attest, after they leave the PD in their lives... and it's only been a week!

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you got a break. Perhaps you can find away to get some separation even while in the home together.  I moved to the basement years ago.  After dinner in the evenings I will ask my PDh if there is anything I need to know then let him know I ak off for the night.   

[Lauren17]

TorH,
I logged on tonight to share something very similar.
UBPDh is out of town for a week as his father is ill. I don't want anyone to be sick, but I'm so delighted for the break.
Before he left, H apologized to me for being gone for a week. I almost laughed.
I feel so light.
Hoping you can carry some of the breaks clarity with you going forward.

[GettingOOTF]

I had totally forgotten how my ex used to follow me around. How he always had to be where I was. If I was taking a bath he had to use the toilet. If I was watching a show he had to watch it with me. If I went out with friends he always just happened to be passing and stopped in to say hello. If I was reading he needed to know what I was reading. If I laughed he needed to know what I was laughing at, who I was emailing, what I was eating. It was so suffocating.

I'm glad you had some respite.

[Mary]

What a great revelation! I'm looking forward to hearing how you harnessed this experience to make some positive space for yourself. Encouraging him to go out with his friends sounds like a win-win. Something like this happened to me by mistake a year or so ago. I was having asthma problems, and our bathroom had some mold in it. So I stopped using it. Wow! I got so much freedom from using another bathroom in the house. Who would have thought?

[Cascade]

I'm glad you were able to get a break! My husband does some of the things yours does, and he worked from home for six months so I understand a bit of what you go through. I can't imagine how hard it must be once they have retired! Hopefully you'll find a way to put more space between the two of you even now that he is feeling better.